She's alive

On Saturday night I was really down - sometimes when that happens (well I'm actually prone to this at any time) I burst into impromptu song which I made up as I went along...

The chorus being, "I hate my fucking life, could end it with a knife, escaping with a slice or three... But then my kids would hurt, while I rot in the dirt, missing out on their own progeny..."

So I do actually find it helpful - even if it may appear "crazy."

CBT is over. I thought it was one of the best groups I've done.

I feel a bit vulnerable and adrift right now though.

*sigh*


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It's difficult to post this...

I'm copying this from my CBT journal.

On March 26th, we discussed styles of distorted thinking and faulty assumptions.

These were the following statements we were asked to examine and reflect on:

#1 everything I do must be absolutely perfect; otherwise I am a failure

#2 I must always be at peak efficiency and performance

#3 Life is fair

#4 If others disagree with me, then I must be wrong

#5 I am only worthwhile as long as I am doing something for someone else

#6 The way to be accepted and appreciated by others is to give and give

#7 Anger is bad

#8 Being healthy will mean not having strong emotions

#9 I have to do everything I am asked to do

#10 I have the power to change people

#11 Good relationships have no relationships

#12 It is unbearable when life is not the way I would like it to be

#13 It is easier to avoid life's problems than to face them

#14 I need someone stronger or more powerful than myself to rely on

#15 I need other people to be supportive of me

The 1st one I identified with was #2. It applies to me in the realm of weight, mood, personal care and household upkeep.

Nothing I do is or seems to be or feels "good enough" because I can compare it to something I was or looked or did BEFORE (in my past) which, at that time, wasn't good enough but is now an unattainable "ideal" because of how far I have fallen.

Writing it like this -- it sounds like perfectionism and yet I have never tried to be perfect and I am one of the furthest people from perfection.

So I think I've just confused myself somewhat...

I can say that the farthest back that I can relate it to my life was to being compared to my older siblings by our mother and a few of my teachers.

Next #3. I must say that I get enraged at every instance where I am, once again, shown that life is not fair. My core belief is that all things should be fair and equal and I think, ironically, that it comes from the fact that being abused in my childhood by a neighbourhood bully and even though the school, my parents and his parents knew about the physical aspect of it -- no one stopped it and it continued for YEARS!

That clearly showed me that life was NOT fair and so it is a huge anger trigger for me.

#5 resonates with me in a few ways. Partly because a mother is supposed to be a martyr (learned at home) and partly because my emotional needs were ignored a LOT in my life and I don't want anyone I care about to feel that way.

#6 is very much the siamese twin of #5 in a multitude of ways with the added bonus of my adoption and abandonment issues thrown in. [Paragraphs not included] I am an adoptee who grew up in a household that was emotionally detached in so many ways.

Add to that the fact that both my adoptive parents died before I was 35.

[Paragraphs not included]... I claim some ownership in that one, but it still hurts.

#7 I struggle to express my anger in a healthy way and to teach my children how to do so as well which segueways right into

#8 I have been chastised and/or mocked for being "overly emotional" aka "too sensitive."

It is an on-going struggle to this date. It arises in all areas of my life but the only other thing I've learned to do is to squelch my emotions and feelings so it's like I can either choose to explode or eventually implode with the strength of whatever I am experiencing but not expressing.

It is scary and embarrassing and it's just as if my inner self has been transported so that when these overloads occur -- it is not a 40+ woman feeling this way at all.

It's a young girl, a child, my inner child, reacting to the feeling of being victimized, or controlled, or being under someone's thumb.

[Paragraph not included]

When I get emotionally overwhelmed like that I "time travel" and am not emotionally equipped, in that moment, to express myself in a way that feels safe so I react in two ways re: fight or flight -- I get aggressive or I acquiesce.

It has even happened with a mental health professional. I tried to avoid those two responses by communicating in the form of a letter because my feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger and depression lasted for weeks.

I ended up being literally chastised and then punished for it. The punishment being the assessment written about me by the so-called professional which was completed after that and after I terminated his services.

Stupidly I had trusted him to remain professional when I revealed my deeper emotional self rather than my protective intellectual self.

#9 I do feel that I am slowly but surely making progress with this one - though I am certainly the tortoise if this one is a race. I do find myself feeling guilty if I say "no" and I have a real struggle with creating natural and sustainable boundaries.

#10 Can fees into the martyr concept as well in a roundabout manner making me feel as if, "If I can change so-and-so, then I can change myself!"

#12 The big one that falls under (into?) this assumption for me ios the following -- "If our home was perfectly clean and orderly then everything would feel better; I'd have more hope!"

I cannot explain WHY this one is - it just is! Maybe it relates to my late parents being on their way to being hoarders? (Not messy or dirty - just a whole lotta junk)

My maternal grandparents are the same way.

#13 sometimes I do lose myself so far into the depression and the hopelessness of it all that I do avoid things. And not just the problems but anything and everything I can avoid or ignore or put off -- I will do that.

Taxes, other important paperwork are actually some of the toughest things for me to get done.

#14 I have actually always seen myself AS the strong person for others to rely on whoch is why it's so hard to accept where I am now...

#15 this is true but I still don't really understand why this one is a bad assumption??

If anyone actually made it through that, have you got any thoughts on it?
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It was a good day...

It was a day of family and celebration.

My youngest turned 3 so we had family over (for various reasons the friends we'd asked to drop in couldn't make it).

But I felt OK today. Even happy in moments.

The brightest joys in my life are my children.

And today, was a day where I thoroughly enjoyed them.

It's nice to say that I had a good day.
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On my mind

We were discussing our personal "bill of rights" in CBT group on Tuesday.

There were a number of things on it that I find challenging and; therefore, I find emotionally upsetting.

I am an expert at being emotionally separated from myself. Deliberately distant. It has been one of the prime ways that I have protected myself throughout my life.

It is probably how I kept myself going for as long as I did.

I do not know how to stand up for myself in a socially-acceptable way.

I am scared of men in "power positions" (especially medical professionals) and it makes me angry because I feel that's a large part of why I am still struggling now.

I am instantly transported to feeling powerless and controlled and it activates my fight or flight to the extreme.

I talked about it a bit on Tuesday and I ended up crying.

I HATE crying in public.

I apologized and I got hold of myself fairly quickly, probably within 5 minutes, but I felt embarrassed.

I don't cry in public.

Intellectually, I know how to connect most of my issues to specific events in my past and the groups I've been participating in have been helping me start to re-connect to MYSELF emotionally.

The scariest part of that is the fact that this means I end up having these spontaneous emotional reactions about my own life and feelings.

I'm used to spontaneous things when it comes to laughter, anger and fear but sorrow or grief about the things that happened to me - that's the sort of thing I've always tried to control...

I feel like I'm being helped - even though things are getting scarier because things are more real and connected than they have been in awhile...
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Frustrated by "the system"

I can't claim to know how it works anywhere else but the medical system in Ontario has it's benefits and it's deficits.

Major deficit: shortage of medical professionals

Last year I had a *massive* falling out w/ my psychiatrist after he and I had discussed something, and I was told we'd have our next regular appt and then I should make a specific appt to discuss the specific request.

At the end of my next appt, I asked for the specific appt and was blown off. I was told we'd never discussed any such thing, that he felt my family was taking advantage of me etc...

I left, went to my car and then texted a couple of friends while I flipped out.

I finally calmed down enough to leave but it sent me into a spiral.

It triggered a horrible downer. I barely left the house. I slept more hours than I was awake and I was livid and hurt.

I finally decided to write him a letter.

I had my husband deliver it.

When I went to my next appt -- it was ridiculous... He was accusatory, he spoke down to me, it was very much male in power holding that power over a female.
I felt victimized and abused.

He showed me his "notes" from my previous sessions with him. They were all of a few sentences.
A few sentences from 45 minute sessions.

He had to "prove" he was right.

I was in such a victimized position that I felt the only way to escape the situation was for me to apologize to him.

I asked if it would "adversely affect our dr patient relationship" and he sighed, paused and then replied "just give me some time to forget about all this."

I made a follow-up appointment, with plans to cancel it (I left a msg on the answering machine to cancel it) and then he also called me to cancel it, apparently he hadn't gotten the message (said he had a funeral).

Then I contacted my family DR (who I also have never been overly keen on) to say I needed to find a new psych.

This month I went in and I asked my family DR to see exactly what previous psych wrote in my assessment.

#1 - I was told that I could not view my assessment without the DR in the room

#2 - when DR was in the room, he glanced in my file, said the psych didn't say good things about me, that based on it my DR wouldn't assist me in applying for ODSP

I asked what was said - DR told me a certain disorder that the psych had NEVER said to me in all previous sessions...

According to the date family DR told me was on it; Psych did the assessment AFTER the falling out and after I stopped seeing him!

I did state to family DR that I was told I was bipolar, he glanced in my file again and told me, "he does mention that."

And yet my DR has the power to keep me from the assistance I could gain from ODSP.

DRs have too much power. They are supposed to work for their patients but with the shortages in Ontario, we patients end up getting screwed.

In a situation like this, I have no recourse - no alternatives.

I am on a waiting list for another psychiatrist but that doesn't help me with my family DR who I've had send me for psych referrals before and to a psychologist when I had coverage etc over the years.

Some DRs are not a "good fit" for a patient but we patients have to "take what we can get" and it sucks.

There's my vent!
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In emerg - not for the reason you think!

Ok so I cannot guarantee how much sense this post will make as I am on an IV, getting fluids, an anti-nauseaunt and I was given a shot of morphine or something through a port in the IV at some point before I thought to alleviate some of my boredom and work on a blog post (to be sent later).

I have turned off my BB settings because I have no signal at all here and I don't want to drain my battery.

I am concerned the painkiller might be making me slightly high because I find myself wondering if I can be half high.

You see, my left side is feeling much improved and I am no longer hunched over in pain. But I feeling body buzzed on my right side. Specifically the right side of my face of all places.

Hence -- half high...

It took 3 tries and 2 nurses before they could IV me. Even though I did warn them about my traitorous veins (*shakes fist at my Grandma, who I inherited them from).

They also have me sipping a big ass glass of ice water so they can send me for an ultrasound.

I keep picturing the WB dancing frog popping out (what spoof movie was that from?)

"Hello my baby, hello my honey..."

But seriously, ladies, this just goes to show you that you can NEVER rejoice about the days of bladder-filling for ultrasounds being over -- even if you *are* done having children.

So I think CBT is great so far. We did vision boards this wk and I found it fascinating that everyones was done in a different "style."

I'm well-aquainted with the idea but I always thought it was silly because I thought everyone's would be done the same way -- that there would be a uniformity to them or a sens e of conformity even and yet, we looked at them all today (I only stayed for part of group because I came here) -- they were all unique.

We all had the very same source materials, and the same instructions and we did them at the same time.

But they were all so very differnt and I actually found it relaxing once I started to really think about what I wanyed to put on mine.


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Cbt begins tomorrow

So I've been in serious hiding... Mood has been down, down, down.

And my thing is that I just don't want to have proof of how shitty I feel.

It's why I stopped writing in my diaries by hand, why I abandoned my livejournals, why I create and then hide or delete my blogs.

I *want* somewhere to express my self but it doesn't feel safe.

And then there is the fact that it is proof of my misery.

Maybe that's why I stopped writing poetry too - because my best poems came from my pain and when I am no longer here - what do I want people to remember about me?

That I was fucked up and miserable and mentally ill or would I rather have them remember me making them smile, or listening to them or whatever?

You know I deliberately make sure I look happy in pictures that I post.

Because that's what I want the world to see.

I don't want people to judge me as a welfare/headcase failure.

Or I don't want to judge myself through the eyes of the world that way.

Maybe that's what it is - that I still see myself through the eyes of strangers because those who know me and love me would be too kind, too forgiving.

Then again - it could all just be this fucking poisonous parrot inside my head.

Yes, I need to ignore it, or teach it to be kinder but those nasty birds are far-longer lived than many of the rest of us.


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It's really hard to write

I often think of things to write and then I choose not to because I feel repetitive. Caught in the endless hamster wheel, running and running while getting nowhere and becoming more exhausted.

Burning out while simply going through the motions of existing.

I am tired and sad and angry and depressed at the same time. In the same breath at times.

Tears well in my eyes, unexpectedly.

My head pounds. My anxiety is high again.

I had a panic attack that was triggered by seeing a shovel at Walmart the other day. What the fuck was that about?!?!?!?!!!!???

I don't know what else to say.

The groups make sense and what I am learning there seems to help temporarily but so much of what is happening to me these days is just VISCERAL.

What can I do for that?


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