Update

Receptionist from family DR phoned yesterday and said a properly filled out referral form was to be faxed to the hospital that day.

I was told I still owe $15 for a phoned in Rx from last Oct (that I was never informed of until Thursday) and that I was no longer going to be charged for the Jan appt I showed up for but other receptionist had given me the wrong time.

(That I *had* addressed with them as soon as I got a letter about it because I'd said something when I showed up for the appt, then when I got the letter and was assured back then that they would remove the charge and then I never heard anything about that again until Thursday).

Here's hoping it WAS done.

I'll call to follow up next wk.

Wish me luck!
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The on-going BS dealing with doctors

I am livid right now. Absolutely livid. Frustrated and disheartened and absolutely sick of the helplessness we deal with re: the medical system.

I'm going to have to backtrack here - last summer I was seeing a psychiatrist who I originally liked and thought he was going to help me.

He is the one who diagnosed me with Type 2 bipolar and ADHD.

I saw him for awhile but then he forgot that we discussed ODSP and actually told me that we'd never had a conversation about it.
That occurred at the end of an appointment and I was shocked and frustrated and upset.

I went out to my car and I flipped out. I called Hubs, one of my best friends and another friend and told them what had happened.

I stewed about it for a few wks and went into a massive downcycle - worse than my standard low.

I wrote him a letter - an upset one to be sure - so that he'd know how I was feeling before my next appointment in the hope that I wouldn't have to "waste" my next appointment discussing my feelings about it and just get to the ODSP info.

Instead my next appointment was spent with him angrily confronting me - showing me his "notes" on our previous sessions (which consisted of 2 - 4 SENTENCES per 45 minute session) though he did back-handedly say, "I have a lot of patients and may have forgotten."

He also asked me why I was getting emotional (I was crying) and the whole thing was traumatizing.

I have issues with men, and with authority figures and with feeling powerless.

That last appt was all about him proving that he, the almighty psychiatrist, was in the right and I, the lowly patient should suck it up.

I tried to kowtow to him because I was afraid and I never returned.

Following that, maybe a few wks later is when he deigned to write up an assessment on me and send it to my family DR.

In between my last psych appt and him sending the assessment (which I have never seen - though family DR said it was "unflattering") I had an appt with family DR where I said I'd had a "falling out" with the psych.

I felt so distrustful after it all that I didn't ask for a new psych referral until around March 3rd, at first for whomever was available but then I got the name of someone recommended for doing well-written assessments so I called to switch the referral to a psych at the local hospital. Plus the psych family DR had first recommended turned out to be the psych of a trusted friend (and she hated him).

I knew it would be a wait.

I followed up in May and found out from hospital that family DR had sent a referral in March but it wasn't filled out correctly.

Hospital had followed up with family DR and said they'd be ignored so they closed the file.

I asked them to contact again and then contacted family DR and asked them to correct the situation (this was around May 6th or 7th I think)

May was when Grandpa got sick and went to hospital and we found out he was terminal so from that point until Grandpa died in June I was occupied with that.

And grieving.

Followed up again about Aug 20th (found the whole sitch frustrating and upsetting so I had to work up my nerve to get back to it).

Family DR office said referral had been refused.

Hospital said DR still hadn't filled out the specific info on the form they had faxed back in May. They re-faxed to my DR's office.
I called family DR and explained the situation and asked it be resolved.

I have been doing phone calls with Dr's office and hospital since Aug 20th.

Today, family DR still hasn't done it. Receptionist now presented something totally different to me. Says I have an outstanding bill with them. One since last Oct re: prescription renewal and one for Jan re: missed appt.

Says family DR won't fix the referral until this is taken care of.

This is the 1st I've heard of the Rx renewal charge.

As for the missed appt charge, I did receive a letter about thta and I called them immediately because I had shown up for the appt time I was given on the phone and the DR wasn't there. I was told at that time I'd missed the appt. I said I'd come at the time I was given.

When I spoke to the person on the phone following the letter, she said that maybe she'd told me the wrong time because we'd been discussing 2 possible appt dates and times and said she'd take care of that because it was possibly her error.

Now, keep in mind this morning was the first time they've said anything about fixing my referral being held hostage.

Then she said she wasn't sure if I was still a patient.

I explained that I had gone to a walk-in clinic once for an inquiry which I believe a patient is allowed to do.

(It was a consult re: my doctor-patient relationship and if one could go on a waiting list for a different DR while still keeping one's own DR in the interim.)

Because I require a follow-up mammogram this month, I decided to do that first. I have an appt on the 24th with family DR about that.

I started crying on phone with family DR receptionist and said he'd better get this sorted or I'll be forced to lodge a complaint.

I cannot believe this.

And people wonder why I don't trust DRs. And why it's so hard for me to deal with people. And why I get so defeated and hopeless

Well, how would you feel?

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Went to the Psychic Fair on Friday

So my Mom, sister and I went to the local psychic fair on Friday. I haven't been in years.

We walked through to get a feel for the people but only felt energy from a few of them.

And we stopped and spoke to this guy: (I'm not sure if the image my sis BBM'd me will attach for sure or not)

He reads hair.

Yep, hair.

Mom had a full reading and he completely nailed her bang-on re: her personality.

Independent, conflicts with her mother - especially when younger, has to do things herself so they are done right, is more like her father in personality etc... And mentioned asthma being in our family genealogy & said that although she is mothering to us, my sister and I both gave the feeling of having 2nd mothers.

My sister had a mini-reading and he pegged her too: all-or-nothing thinking, topics that are close to her heart and very much on her mind, spoke about her having a 2nd mother figure when she was young & said it was Mom's grandma (true) etc... Also warned her about heart murmur from her father's side of the family - I think she'll have to check on that one.

He offered me a really mini-reading since the 3 of us were together and I was low on $

He said that I have a lot of anxiety, that I put a lot of effort into making it seem like I am OK on the outside though I am not and that I am not social like my sister, I tend to be lonely.
He said I just want my partner to take care of me & say , "I've got a good job so you just stay home and do what you want to."

He said I worry about work a lot but that I just want to be at home and enjoy what I am doing (we inferred this to be genealogy but he didn't specify).

He noted a number of pregnancies for me. It was correct only if we don't include miscarriage.

He also mentioned gestational diabetes. But I did not have that.
So he didn't seem as correct with me as with my Mom and sister but he also said there was a lot going on with me.

All-in-all, I'd recommend him

It was interesting


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Sometimes a lil peace makes the everyday seem harder

Let me preface this by saying I had a wonderful time in Fergus for the Scottish festival (or Highland games or whatever is the current correct name) when I attended a couple of weekends ago.

It was probably the MOST relaxed I have felt in -- well, honestly I couldn't then and still can't quite recall when I last felt that good.

The weather was beautiful. And so were some of the kilted men, I must say! ;)

But at one point I was standing at our campsite. The sun was dancing through the leaves and trees of "the thieves forest" and a slight breeze was quietly weaving its way through the camp as the pipers were piping and in that moment I felt uplifted.

I felt at peace.

I felt free.

The energy of the event as a whole and of my companions in particular was positive and welcoming.

When it was time to return home, I was loathe to leave.

Hubs and the children arrived and I asked if everyone could relax and be quiet during the ride home so I could hold the feeling as long as possible.

Well, being in a car with 3 kids aged 3 - 13 - as you can imagine - it didn't work out so well.

Since I've been home I've felt worse than before I went.

It could be that I'm really starting to process Grandpa's death. That finality has been hitting me.

But it feels like it's more than that.

Sometimes I feel like it's mania but there's so much anger in it - it's not even "enjoyable" mania if you know what I mean.

Plus I only get hypomanic.

I just don't know what THIS is.

There is an upside though... I now have a real version of a "happy place". I just need to work on my visualization skills for self-soothing and comfort.




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Had a meltdown after a relatively good day - wtf?!

So yesterday was a pretty good day. Had fun with the kids. Swam. Relaxed. Even had conversation with other adults. And yet, despite all that I was seized by a black mood so I informed my household I needed my space - holed up in the bedroom and had a hell of a cry.

I felt so overwhelmed and out of control at that point that I feared that it was it. The time I would finally have to give in and go to the hospital.

After maybe 2 hours I started to feel more in control again but I don't know what set me off and I still feel like some has loosely wrapped me in cellophane paper - the world doesn't look quite right and it's hard to breathe...


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Just realized one of my posts never went through

My Grandpa died on June 20th.

I had written a post about it. About how I was feeling but I noticed now that it isn't here.

It's really hard for me to tell right now how much of my depression is related to grief vs my "usual" low mood.

Am tossing around the idea of calling the grief counselling service offered through the funeral home but I am afraid that I might be too " whatever" for them to understand.


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Sometimes I think parenthood will be the death of me

Sad but true. The brightest parts of my life are my kids... I love them. At the same time - the temper tantrums of my oldest, I really think they will do me in.

Tonight it was over TWO HOURS of my 11-year-old freaking out because he wanted mini-doughnuts about an hour or more after he went to bed.

He came down, said he couldn't sleep and then saw the mini-doughnuts (he'd had some earlier in the day) and he demanded doughnuts.

I said no, it was well past his bedtime and he'd already brushed his teeth.

I said he could have some tomorrow and he needed to go back to bed.

Instead he immediately went into full-on tantrum mode.

Hubs and I were called "stupid", "idiot" "the worst parents ever", we were told that we "suck" and that he "hate[d]" us.

So we threw the mini-doughnuts in the garbage.

And still it went on.

Till after midnight - he kept coming back out of his room, yelling and screaming.

It's like he can't stop.

And I've read that some people with ADHD start arguments and escalate them because it does something for their brain chemistry.

I seriously wonder if my 11-year-old had ADHD as well as his ASD.
It's a tough combo. A family where everyone (except my youngest) has some diagnosis which relates to cognitive behaviour and emotional regulation.

After we finally got my 11-year-old settled down - we had a cuddle and a talk.

Here's an exact quote, "...but Mom, I just get too angry to think and I can't stop."

It feels like nothing works.

We are yellers - but we (Hubs and I) hate it.

We've tried anger time-out cards - but that didn't work.

We've tried traditional time outs.

We've tried whispering (the idea was to make the kids stop tantruming and get quieter so they could hear us).

We've tried revoking privledges.

We've tried saying "we are not talking until you settle down" and then ignoring (that time I got spit on).

We've tried walking away (and he's followed and then attached himself to my legs).

I've even locked MYSELF in my room and said I needed a time out from the situation and he sat and repeatedly kicked the door and yelled through at me. He didn't stop that time until *I* started bawling (this was last year).

I am at a loss here.

And I need to have a good cry.

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Tv talk - Switched at Birth

Spoilers for those who did not see last night's episode...

Last chance to avoid a major spoiler...

Re: John's heart attack at the end of the ep w/ Regina doing CPR after calling 911

(Cross-posted from the twop forums)

So am I the only one hoping that John dies?

A parental death can impact all areas of the kids lives: maybe Toby would postpone the wedding to be there for his Mom. It could draw Bay back to her Kennish side and also bring her and Daphne closer while giving Regina and Angelo the challenge of being there for the girls without over-stepping.

Kathryn could inherit or be waived into John's senatorial seat and maybe choose to become an Independent representative to get away from creepy dude.

Regina could feel redeemed by resucitating John so he could say goodbye to Kathryn but then he could die en route to hospital w/ Kathryn at his side and his last words showing his love of his family.

Bay could bond w/ Regina by confessing her feelings of guilt from their last conversation and bond w/ Mary Beth over how it feels to have someone that close to you die.

Then Ty could go away because he couldn't handle it emotionally and Emmett could come back into the picture as an emotional support for both girls.

Seeing them lose their father could help Emmett see how foolish he is being about his own father & he could apologize and encourage his dad to get the implant

We'd also have a storyline for Travis as Kathryn could reveal that John was truly considering him for the car wash management position and we could see he and Toby operating the business - both head of what they are best at. Toby at finances and advertising and dealing w/ problematic people.

Travis with hands on work and direct management of staff.

And it can help Angelo for when his daughter is found, he can speak the years John lost w/ Daphne and you have a tearjerker for the judge re: him not wanting the same w/ his youngest daughter.

--- additional thoughts

It opens Kathryn to new relationships (hopefully not too soon).

Adrianna could help around the house and feel connected and be a loving mother figure to Kathryn and give Regina a taste of jealousy - enabling her to parent both girls w/ new insight.

Oh and w/ Kathryn going independent - she could change her view on the proposed bill and support birth control, inadvertently causing an additional rift between Toby and Nikki, while gaining respect from Bay and Daphne.

(Sometimes it's just easier to focus on distractions like TV than to talk about real things)

Real life stuff...

Grandpa's funeral was exactly a week ago.

:(
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