Slowing down

My mood is dropping, as is my energy.

Also finally got my period.

Connected? I don't know.

OW worker called today to tell me about a job fair I should send Hubs to.

But she didn't actually talk to him or ask to talk to him.

So why am I the middleperson?

Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive...


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Charges for your own medical records

Who governs this?

I called my family DR's office to ask (using *67 so they wouldn't know it was me) how the process works.

If a patient wants copies of anything - it's on paper (not digital format) and is $1/page.

If it's a transfer of care and is your whole file - it's a "lump sum" but it's up to the DR discretion & is delivered directly to the new DR.

So right there is another thing that traps ppl with DRs that they aren't happy with.

I know my file is thick - been there as a patient for just over a decade.

So how much is that going to cost on a limited income????

I read an article where a Kingston woman was charged over $600 for her own medical records.

(http://www.cbc.ca/m/touch/canada/thunder-bay/story/1.1305279)

I know when my previous DR left her practice (and I ended up w/ my current DR) that there was a number to call and an automated msg informed me (in 2002) it would be $1000 for my medical records.

I did not get them - no way could I afford that.

How much worse would it be now???

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health/want-your-medical-records-be-prepared-to-pay-a-lot/article9755471/

http://www.cpso.on.ca/policies/policies/default.aspx?ID=1686


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So much on my mind

You know how when you get a new car, suddenly you see that make and model everywhere? Or like how it seems everyone is pregnant the same time you are?

I can't stop the memories popping up.

I've been trying to stay up till the point of exhaustion (2 - 3 a.m. And then I'm up between 7 and 8 a.m.) But still - my mind whirls.

B.M. from college who attempted to assault me when we were hanging out. That was over 20 yrs ago - and he didn't manage to do it (though I did have a handcuff mark on the wrist he caught).

Then there's the creepy memory of being in the basement of an uncle -- Adam West's Batman on the TV... I really don't seem to remember more than that and that's OK. I can't deal with anything else right now.

Meds still have me hypo - but I'm riding the wave, channelling it into productivity.

Been returning phone calls and emails I've been avoiding. Reaching out to services, even did some exercising last night around 1 a.m.

Christ - just texting this post has my heart racing.

Trying to breathe.

No reply from mental health advocate yet - but when I left the msg, his outgoing greeting indicated he wasn't in the office until today.

Oh and I signed up for a one-day seminar "Raising your Spirited Child" -- hoping it's not too crowded.

Called about stress therapy group and anger mgmt groups (one for adults, one for Tweens and Teens).

All are Tuesday evenings which conflict with other activities our family participates in.

Still highly agitated.

From hyper to angry in seconds depending on external environment.

Craving chocolate like a mofo but perimenopause is totally fucking with me.

Had two periods last month with 18 days between them and now it's been 35 days (I think) since my last one.

Is the universe piling up on me like this because I'm still not coping or surviving well mentally?

Or is it my sense of my own fragility that scares me so much right now?


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A lil hypo

I didn't get out to get my Rx to re-start Wellbutrin till Sept 24th.

Am already experiencing a slight touch of hypomania at a 150 mg dose 1x/day.

Re-organization and cleaning spree began yesterday.

But I'm OK with that. Because being depressed for so long means things just haven't been done till my last episode.

I'm thinking it'll taper off as I re-adjust BUT for now, I'm trying to ride it out and get stuff done.

Sure, I'm surly BUT there's a give and take here.

At least I can get my ass off the couch.

And I'm not as angry and aggressive as when I was taking the Wellbutrin with Topamax & Cipralex.

No sex drive yet though. Last time that didn't return until I was on 300 mg of Wellbutrin.

Still wondering if an anti-psychotic is what would stabilize my moods BUT with my heart - I don't know if there is one that won't impact my heart.

Left a msg for someone re: mental health advocacy.

Cross your fingers and wish me luck.


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Feeling Moody (not like that's anything new)

So I had an appt w/ family DR on Tuesday to get the referral for my breast check follow-up.

While there he asked if I had any other concerns. I said no because I knew he wouldn't have the psych report yet.

I told him I had the assessment and the diagnosis. He said, "Any surprises?"

I said no.

I said that OW wants me on ODSP.

He said, "I prefer to see you working."

I said that he knows I haven't worked FT since 2004 & and PT 2009 and since my issues impact my ability to leave the house and deal with people.

He said, "You'll make a good forest ranger then."

I had my mom with me. She found him rude and said she understands what I've been complaining about.

BTW my appt was at 11:30 - I checked in at 11:20. Yet he didn't see me till 12:55!

I was told I was next and then he deliberately went into the room next to mine (I even said, "They said I was next" and he didn't say a word).

And when he did come in - he offered no apology or explanation re: his tardiness.

The question is now - how can I get a DR that I can have a good working relationship with?


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Still bipolar type 2

I think the assessment went well. Dr. H had me fill out a lot of questionnaires. And he asked me questions and he talked to me.

He said the easiest way to look at things is that there are some specific "main" diagnoses.

They are: Dementia, Schizophrenia, Bipolar & Depression.

Then he explained that you can be Biploar and have issues with anxiety, or obsessive thoughts or concentration etc... That all these others things are just part of that top tier diagnosis.

He recommends I see a psychiatrist to monitor my meds and a clinical psychologist or counsellor in tandem with that.

Of course he/the hospital do NOT fill out ODSP applications.

So once the report is typed up I either need to re-approach my family DR (who has already refused to help me once, despite my diagnosis of bipolar from last summer) OR fire my DR and try to find a new one who will help me.

That process will entail paying who knows how much for my medical records.

*sigh*

It's strange that one so often hears about people ripping off the system but the other side of things is people like me who are honest but being ignored/reviled/punished by the main professional who should be helping me.


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Assessment or consultation (1 time thing) is today

So, after much frustration and strife, I was able to be scheduled in this afternoon (now that fam DR finally got the proper info to hospital).

I am currently killing time before the appointment because I am afraid if I go somewhere else first, something will divert me from attending.

I know I want an, essentially, impartial assessment because of the personal strife I had with my last psychiatrist BUT now my fears are boiling over.

It brings up my issues with authority figures, with medical professionals, with men in roles of power and influence; plus, my anxiety of being judged.

And I keep reminding myself that this is a step that should assist me in getting the treatment outline that I require. A guide.

BUT I am afraid.

I am afraid of not being heard and/or being misunderstood.
I am afraid of talking about all of these things inside of me. And the possibly mitigating factors involved with them.
I am afraid of following up with my family DR and still being "pooh-poohed" by him.

After all, this dr was of no assistance re: my child's diagnosis. And I feel he has been deliberately hindering and hampering me re: my mental health whereas my ex-husband thinks the dr is great (he treats both of us).

I am afraid that I'll be just as powerless and hopeless after this as I feel right now.

So I am writing this post to try and get the worst of it, the part that knots my stomach to the point of nausea, OUT.

Wish me luck and wellness and healing.


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Is it possible that breakdowns and meltdowns can be good for you?

OK.  I realize this might sound strange (or maybe it doesn't? Really, what do I know?) but I had such a bad day on Thursday.  And I completely broke down.

After the blog post I made - I tried to distract myself but I ended up feeling so defeated and powerless and hopeless that I actually called a crisis hotline.

I spoke to someone (albeit rather incoherently for probably the bulk of the call) about how I was feeling and what was going on with me and ended up, with some helpful advice on choosing to *not* go for intake at the hospital because, bottom line, I was not at risk for killing myself.

That being said - I've been in fairly rough shape for awhile.  I do my best to put it aside when I have to leave the house and I also try to stay engaged with the kids and take my own time outs when I can't handle the noise.

But Thursday I ended up having just a brutal cry.  Wrenching from the depths of me so much that it physically hurt to sob that way.  Keening wordlessly.  I was just fucking done.  I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't "put it in a box" and I had to feel it and express it.

It was cathartic.

Friday was pretty much a write off because I felt exhausted.  Not the same as the almost constant tiredness of the down zone but a bone-deep exhaustion.  A result of my meltdown.

Saturday I managed to get up in the morning.  I ate.  I gathered laundry.  I dropped off 2 bags of donation clothing.  I made it to Tai Chi for the first time in a week or so.

Then, I actually BBM'd one of my friends today.  I've been really quite incommunicado for the past while unless people call me and even then, I don't always answer the phone. Part of this is because I hate when I feel so bad and it's hard to put a reasonable spin on it for the people in my life.

So instead - I hibernate, so to speak.

I got the impulse to go out and around 11:30 - I picked up one of my friends and we went out to the bar to socialize and dance.  The last time I went out and did this was Aug 3rd.  And before that - I'm not sure.  I think I went out once to toss a few back after Grandpa died.

But that massive release seems like it might have been good for me.  Like draining the pus from an infection.

The thing is I am not adept at handling or expressing my own emotions.  I used to be really good (maybe I still am) at helping other people with things going on with them.  Yet as supportive as I can be for others (though sometimes I can't be present at all - let me be clear on that one) overall, I just cannot correlate that into being supportive for myself.

I get so angry and disgusted with myself that I have to do my best to block things.

My son commented earlier in the week that I will cry over music, or TV shows or books and movies.  He said I cry more over things like that than I do anything else.

And he's correct.

I think I may have mentioned this before but it's just easier for me to cry at those sorts of things, even if the basis of those emotions are coming from within - those outside forces help give me some release.

So - do I LIKE melting down or breaking down?  No.

But it feels like it helped. As if I emptied my "pain warehouse."

Will things build up again?  Of course.  It always does.

But maybe I can work on expressing some of these things before I lose control next time?

Who knows?

It's 4 a.m. and counting - I need to drag myself to bed.