March 4/14

A busy day (for me). Got some things done, emailed a friend (out of town) to whom I haven't talked to in WAY too long!

And I predicted her pregnancy - just like I did when she was pregnant a over a year ago.

No phone calls re: extended family drama.

Did call Mom and also had a brief visit w/ Grandma.

POSITIVES

• went to the MALL w/o totally losing it (I was with Hubs and Moochie - new nickname for our youngest for now) had to do bday shopping
• did photo errand for Grandma
• attended CCS meeting with Hubs *annual review
• dropped pics off for Sis
• retuned to a store who over-charged me (which I discovered on the receipt)

March 3/14

Lots of family-related drama today from extended family plus the kids weren't listening; Hubs was cranky & Rhyme Girl was giving me some attitude to us during our call tonight.

I took Boy-o (replacing the nickname from "Little Man") to ABA.

Have been quite teary today thinking of my late Dad.

(OK both my adoptive parents are deceased, I have a great relationship with my blood maternal relatives and only really talk to one cousin on my paternal side).

Feeling guilty for not phoning Grandma or Mom re: my shite mood.

POSITIVES

• talked to J to follow up on how he was doing (Fri)
• M visited me with her new/old/new bf, C (Sat)
• K and I talked on the phone & then I ran an errand w/her & talked about my mental health (Sun)
• took Boy-o to ABA  (mon)
• drove through the cemetery to relax during Boy-o's ABA (Mon) 
• listened to T on phone (Fri)

info

• first time off work re: mental health for more than 2-3 days Fen or March 2001 when I was the manager of P.I. - I believe my District manager said I had some sort of throat-related illness
• I went on sick leave for EI 2004-2005 for 15 or 16 weeks, whatever the maximum was which then rolled over into a "regular" claim with diagnoses of: stress, panic disorder, GAD, PTSD, agoraphobia re: crowds (grocery stores and such)
• the last time I worked full-time was 2004
• A former district manager (from 2 previous companies where I had been a store manager for him) asked me to work for him at least PT to help support myself since I had left my husband  and was struggling
• I worked very part-time (starting around 12 hrs per week and the worse I felt, it was 3 hrs maybe every 2 weeks)
• I had a surprise pregnancy and began to miscarry in early 2009 and I honestly I cannot recall if I ever returned to work after that
• I am morbidly obese :( and my health and weight changes have been what I would consider extreme since 2000 (160 lbs - 281 lbs, up and down since 2000)
• I skin-pick and pull out my hair and obsessively nail-bite
• In my childhood I discovered that creating physical pain to myself is somewhat of a mental release for emotional pain that I cannot deal with

I experience something that I call "phantom smells.:

1. fish
2. cigarette smoke
3. burning plastic
4. smoke in general
5. gasoline
6. ink
7. dirt
8. grass
9. skunks
10. blood (which I also taste)

I withdraw from the world, I panic, I can't always slow down my thoughts and there is ALWAYS something I am afraid of.

Freaking out

So, next Sat is my out-of-town psych appt & yesterday I got a distressing call from the person who had committed to driving me.

I still haven't figured out a solution. And now I cannot sleep.

I think I may have written previously in my blog that I was trying not to get my hopes up and tempt the universe into fucking me over.

Well, idiot that I am - what do you all think I did at my therapy group on Friday?

I talked about my hopes for my psych appt.

Then BAM!

Now it's all in jeopardy!

Sat is a very busy day for a lot of my near and dear -- moving, job-related commitments, activity/sports commitments & the need for childcare if Hubs ends up having to take me.

Plus he has a volunteer event that day that he doesn't want to miss.

I feel hopeless and sad.

Makes you just want to go sit in a snowbank and fall asleep and never wake up.

NOTE: this is not a plan of any sort - it is an expression of how pointless everything feels right now.

I wish I was alone and I could crank up some angry music and just bawl my eyes out.

But I can't - I'd wake Hubs and the kids and disturb the neighbours.

My fingers are already too sore from biting and picking throughout the day.

And I don't cut myself anymore.

If I eat, I think I'd throw up... I don't have any alcohol in the house and Hubs was too tired for sex.

What now??

I'm at a loss.


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Embarrassing confessions

I have bitten my nails for the majority of my life.

As you've seen on this blog, I pull out my hair (in Grade 9 I had a small bald spot for awhile right in the front).

I also pick my skin. Hang nails, cuticles, pimples, scabs...

And I scratch myself. Sometimes till I draw blood.

I used to own a special hairbrush just for scratching myself with.

Right now my biggest issue is that I am breaking out like crazy and subsequently picking my face.

Here's the evidence...


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Emotionally raw for no apparent reason

I watched a movie today called, "Jeff, who lives at home" and I found it strangely relatable - the feeling of a lack of destiny. Looking for signs in things. Wondering if you are on the right path and people finding your thought processes strange.

I am not going to spoil the movie but towards the end I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I just started crying and couldn't stop.

It was embarrassing - even though the kids were upstairs so they didn't see or hear me...

Later on tonight I was watching "Being Erica" on Netflix and one of the eps set off the same reaction.

I have no explanation.

I don't feel right...


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Strange mood

So my sex drive is on a high. It's constantly on my mind. Been busy with Hubs every night for days. But, other than that - I've felt even more exhausted than usual.

Though I have been out of the house more recently. Last wk I was out Mon for Son's ABA, I was out Friday for my first therapy group, I was out Sunday for 2 different family outings - 1 in public and 1 with my extended family.

Today I managed to get some laundry thrown in and have a bath.

And I shaved my legs. For the first time in - well, awhile.

I think group went well on Friday.

I did have a bad turn when I lost my car key BUT I must've lost it near my vehicle since some good Samaritan tucked the key under my windshield.

So that turned despair into relief.

I'm having a hard time focusing lately. I don't *think* I'm quite as "ragey" as I was before, but it's hard to say.

The only time I feel "normal" for more than a moment here or there is when Hubs and I are having sex.

But that doesn't help me in day-to-day life...


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All I want to do is eat

I swear, my feelings of hunger have been crazy this weekend. I eat. Then I eat again. And again.

Today:
2 bagels (one w/ butter, one w/ herb & garlic cream cheese)
Leftover mini-yellow potatoes w/ leftover homemade gravy
Special K w/ lactose free milk
3 chocolate chip cookies
A cup of milk
A large mug of tea w/ milk & a tsp of sugar
A can of Pepsi
A bottle of water
A popsicle (during a hot flash)
A rice krispie square

And, insanely enough, I am *still* hungry!!!

What the hell is wrong w/ me???


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