Cbt begins tomorrow

So I've been in serious hiding... Mood has been down, down, down.

And my thing is that I just don't want to have proof of how shitty I feel.

It's why I stopped writing in my diaries by hand, why I abandoned my livejournals, why I create and then hide or delete my blogs.

I *want* somewhere to express my self but it doesn't feel safe.

And then there is the fact that it is proof of my misery.

Maybe that's why I stopped writing poetry too - because my best poems came from my pain and when I am no longer here - what do I want people to remember about me?

That I was fucked up and miserable and mentally ill or would I rather have them remember me making them smile, or listening to them or whatever?

You know I deliberately make sure I look happy in pictures that I post.

Because that's what I want the world to see.

I don't want people to judge me as a welfare/headcase failure.

Or I don't want to judge myself through the eyes of the world that way.

Maybe that's what it is - that I still see myself through the eyes of strangers because those who know me and love me would be too kind, too forgiving.

Then again - it could all just be this fucking poisonous parrot inside my head.

Yes, I need to ignore it, or teach it to be kinder but those nasty birds are far-longer lived than many of the rest of us.


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It's really hard to write

I often think of things to write and then I choose not to because I feel repetitive. Caught in the endless hamster wheel, running and running while getting nowhere and becoming more exhausted.

Burning out while simply going through the motions of existing.

I am tired and sad and angry and depressed at the same time. In the same breath at times.

Tears well in my eyes, unexpectedly.

My head pounds. My anxiety is high again.

I had a panic attack that was triggered by seeing a shovel at Walmart the other day. What the fuck was that about?!?!?!?!!!!???

I don't know what else to say.

The groups make sense and what I am learning there seems to help temporarily but so much of what is happening to me these days is just VISCERAL.

What can I do for that?


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I never write

I think it's because whenever the thought comes to me, I'm on my phone and for some reason I always screw up and post a half-finished post and it makes me feel like a damn idiot.

I'm very sad.

The tragedy at Sandy Hook elementary school in the States really shook me to my core.

I've always been extra vulnerable to things that happen close and far away in the world because instead of having a healthy and natural separation between myself and the rest of the world, it's always seemed more like I have layers of white tissue paper and the rest of the world is red.

The events that happen are water, some are drops, some are storms and that effects how much of it ends up bleeding into me.

Yet another factor, another piece of this intricate puzzle that is my shattered psyche or soul - sometimes I'm not sure which it is. Perhaps both and the pieces have gotten mixed up and that's why things are so hard to separate because they've been intermingled for so long, in a damp basement.

Some of the pieces are stuck together and will peel if you try to separate them.

Of course it's a mess.

What else would you expect?


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Starting in some groups next week!!!!!

OK so I've been really down and struggling but I was referred into an out-patient program.  i am starting off slowly with 3 weekly groups:

• Getting Started In Recovery - this group consists of 4 modules focused on goal setting, procrastination, challenging negative thinking & positive coping strategies
• Distress Tolerance - the focus of this group is on the identification of emotions and the impact they have on an individual's physical, mental, emotional & behavioural state.  Grounding techniques, crisis tolerance, mindfulness and self-exploration are some of the strategies that will be explored in the group to help clients manage their feelings in healthier ways.  Setting time aside, outside of the group, to practice the skills learned, is an expected component of the group (*Note - I missed the first one as it started last week and I was accepted this week but I am OK starting this coming week rather than waiting another 7 weeks)
• Bipolar Management Group - this group consists of 4 modules focused on Triggers & Warnings signs - What is Bipolar Disorder?; Causes, types Signs & symptoms of Mania, Hypomania & Depression; Treatment; Lifestyle issues, Coping Strategies, Relapse prevention & Recovery

Later on I would really like to participate in one of the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy groups and probably some of the others.

There are also a couple of relaxation based "drop-in" groups - one is called a Leisure Activity group and the other is simply called "relaxation group."

*sigh*

I don't want to write because I feel trapped in this horrible cycle that I cannot escape.

That's it.
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Confession

Been bad with taking my meds...
Been either sleeping too much or not enough
Been moody, mostly sad

But I'm still here
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Politics

Some quick thoughts...

In America - I am pro-Obama!!!

Here in Canada, I tend to vote NDP (though I like some of the Green Party ideas)
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Getting some things done

Well yesterday was Thanksgiving so we were out most of the day.

Today I got my plate sticker renewed, went to the bank, ran an errand with a friend and took my son to Walmart.

I think that is the most I've done in one day since August.

Took most of the weekend to just be low key. No phone calls. No stressers. Just me, MOH and our girl.

The older two weren't home so it really was quiet.

We needed it


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