So one of my good friends was laid off after just over 9 years of employment.
This is my first time out since Aug or Sept I think... I didn't even go out for my birthday but my friend needed me so here I am.
Had a good day re: Doctor Who's 50th anniversary - hoping I do OK out here tonight.
Been here 5 mins - 1 free drink consumed...
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Friday, 8 November 2013
Stressed for past few days
:(
For size comparison I put it on my PVR remote.
Gotta toss it without Hubs seeing - he hates my hair-pulling...
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
On June 29, 2012 my ex-DR had this...
(See image)
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sunday, 3 November 2013
It may not make any sense but I'm still feeling left out...
OK so I've been quite down for quite awhile.
I've hardly been talking to some of my friends because I don't want to bring them down and I usually socialize with them in public and I haven't felt up to being out.
That being said, one of them messaged me last night (when I stayed home instead of going out) and mentioned that a few wks ago 3 of them had gone out together - but they never even asked me if I was up to going out.
So even though I'm down and have been hibernating - my feelings are hurt.
I know it doesn't make any sense but it's how I feel.
Though it's given me something else to obsess about instead of thinking about if there is any month where it would be "acceptable" to commit suicide if I ever decide to kill myself.
Can't pick the months my kids' birthdays are in, or my siblings', or my parents' or Hubs or my in-laws.
Can't do May because of Mothers Day.
So that means March, April, May, June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov & Dec are out.
That leaves Jan - nope that my anniversary with Hubs.
So Feb is the only month I could choose.
But Feb has Family Day & Valentine's Day.
So that's the drawback of a large family & multiple parents.
Guess that means I really cannot ever kill myself.
Good to know that logic dictates there is no acceptable month for this.
When things get really bad, I'll remind myself about that one.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I've hardly been talking to some of my friends because I don't want to bring them down and I usually socialize with them in public and I haven't felt up to being out.
That being said, one of them messaged me last night (when I stayed home instead of going out) and mentioned that a few wks ago 3 of them had gone out together - but they never even asked me if I was up to going out.
So even though I'm down and have been hibernating - my feelings are hurt.
I know it doesn't make any sense but it's how I feel.
Though it's given me something else to obsess about instead of thinking about if there is any month where it would be "acceptable" to commit suicide if I ever decide to kill myself.
Can't pick the months my kids' birthdays are in, or my siblings', or my parents' or Hubs or my in-laws.
Can't do May because of Mothers Day.
So that means March, April, May, June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov & Dec are out.
That leaves Jan - nope that my anniversary with Hubs.
So Feb is the only month I could choose.
But Feb has Family Day & Valentine's Day.
So that's the drawback of a large family & multiple parents.
Guess that means I really cannot ever kill myself.
Good to know that logic dictates there is no acceptable month for this.
When things get really bad, I'll remind myself about that one.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Monday, 28 October 2013
Apparently it takes a wk for the files
Called ex-family DR's office today - was told it's $25 for copies of all mental health records, breast-related records, cardiology-related records & for records re: my LEEP.
Had to pay up-front (sent Hubs to do it) and the reciept is very non-specific.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Had to pay up-front (sent Hubs to do it) and the reciept is very non-specific.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Thursday, 24 October 2013
Still no luck
The name of the DR I was told about is in a different area and only take patients from that area.
I had a cry about that.
Still no word re: my medical files that *I* want copies of.
On Wed, I spoke to one of the receptionists and explained why I was leaving the practice and said I wanted to know how much it would be for copies of the following:
-anything in my file to do with mental health
- everything from the cardiologist
- everything re: my breast health
No one called me on Wed.
I called back on Thurs and was told it was $75 for tranferring my complete file to a new DR.
I re-explained that I didn't have a new DR yet and what I wanted and added that I'd also want any and all info related to a LEEP I had done by my OBGYN at the local hospital.
This receptionist (different from the one on Wed) said the note for the DR *had* specified exactly that. And she said she'd get back to me.
No phone calls from the DR office the rest of Wednesday or today.
Of course this is the same DR who took from March - till Sept to properly fill out a referral so I should not be surprised.
I know that, legally, he cannot deny me my records if I pay for them. But I just feel like he's deliberately stalling to fuck with me.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I had a cry about that.
Still no word re: my medical files that *I* want copies of.
On Wed, I spoke to one of the receptionists and explained why I was leaving the practice and said I wanted to know how much it would be for copies of the following:
-anything in my file to do with mental health
- everything from the cardiologist
- everything re: my breast health
No one called me on Wed.
I called back on Thurs and was told it was $75 for tranferring my complete file to a new DR.
I re-explained that I didn't have a new DR yet and what I wanted and added that I'd also want any and all info related to a LEEP I had done by my OBGYN at the local hospital.
This receptionist (different from the one on Wed) said the note for the DR *had* specified exactly that. And she said she'd get back to me.
No phone calls from the DR office the rest of Wednesday or today.
Of course this is the same DR who took from March - till Sept to properly fill out a referral so I should not be surprised.
I know that, legally, he cannot deny me my records if I pay for them. But I just feel like he's deliberately stalling to fuck with me.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
Breakthrough, breakdown or just another day in my effing brain??
Middle of the night last night had my mind whirling out of control.
Was feeling so hopeless and powerless that I started to examine in my head exactly why I DON'T kill myself.
Suicidal ideation is like my shadow - sometimes it gets worse and I freak out but generally, it doesn't usually phase me.
But last night I was going over in my head all the times in the past where I've been at that point.
Bottom line is that I always decide to hang on because of the people I love.
Which is good, because it *does* keep me here BUT why is it - why is it that it never occurs to me or feels like I need to stick around for myself???
So I don't know how to describe the state I'm in. I get like this sometimes - it's like joy and happiness are behind an unbreakable glass wall - I can see it, I can sort of fake it but it's beyond me right now.
And it was the further thinking (which I am NOT comfortable writing about - no point in giving the universe ideas) that made me finally fire my family DR today - because part of the reason I feel hopeless and powerless is because he doesn't listen to me and doesn't respect me.
I've been unhappy being his patient since early 2006 but my fear of change kept me sticking with him.
Isn't that one of the definitions of crazy - doing the same thing and expecting a different result??
His office never phoned back today...
Of course I am immediately thinking it's because he's shredding my mental health assessments while laughing diabolically.
Or he was too busy popping champagne because he's been covertly trying to get me to remove myself as his patient for years and I was too naïve to realize it...
But I don't need the extra burden of negativity that being his patient and being at loggerheads with him brought upon me.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Was feeling so hopeless and powerless that I started to examine in my head exactly why I DON'T kill myself.
Suicidal ideation is like my shadow - sometimes it gets worse and I freak out but generally, it doesn't usually phase me.
But last night I was going over in my head all the times in the past where I've been at that point.
Bottom line is that I always decide to hang on because of the people I love.
Which is good, because it *does* keep me here BUT why is it - why is it that it never occurs to me or feels like I need to stick around for myself???
So I don't know how to describe the state I'm in. I get like this sometimes - it's like joy and happiness are behind an unbreakable glass wall - I can see it, I can sort of fake it but it's beyond me right now.
And it was the further thinking (which I am NOT comfortable writing about - no point in giving the universe ideas) that made me finally fire my family DR today - because part of the reason I feel hopeless and powerless is because he doesn't listen to me and doesn't respect me.
I've been unhappy being his patient since early 2006 but my fear of change kept me sticking with him.
Isn't that one of the definitions of crazy - doing the same thing and expecting a different result??
His office never phoned back today...
Of course I am immediately thinking it's because he's shredding my mental health assessments while laughing diabolically.
Or he was too busy popping champagne because he's been covertly trying to get me to remove myself as his patient for years and I was too naïve to realize it...
But I don't need the extra burden of negativity that being his patient and being at loggerheads with him brought upon me.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)