So fed up

Some days I feel like everything in the universe is designed to upset/frustrate/anger me.

One thing about not having a fam DR is not having someone who can refer me to a psych.

This time of year tends to be especially stressful and challenging for me on many levels.

Last night I couldn't turn off my brain and it wasn't even CURRENT woes -- I was caught up in some mental loop involving some of the bad things I went through as a child.

I was locked into memories of being choked and assaulted in grade school by the neighbourhood boy who hurt me for years.

Then I got stuck in the memory of physically hurting a childhood frenemy (by high school we were friends without the enemyness).

Usually I bore the physical and mental battle scars of my altercations with her but ONE TIME I just exploded into a mindless rage and I badly hurt her when we were both 8 years old.

I remember my neighbourhood abuser cheering at me from his front yard -- he didn't do anything to me for maybe 2 weeks after he saw that incident.

He told me he was proud of me.

How fucked is that??

So that's how it went from me being caught up in the memories of being abused and transitioned to the first time I really hurt someone.

Then it went to a few other incidents of when I was older and responded to some situations with violence and from there went into the time I had alcohol poisoning and blacked out (I have some vague memories) and was stopped from jumping to my death from a friend's balcony in Toronto in my mid to late 20s.

I remember throwing up violently and then I was back in time and being hurt and it was a female friend who grabbed me and held me and tried to ground me in the present.

Now, none of that happened at this time of year so I can't explain why I was so mired in all of it last night.

Even blogging about it right now, I feel like I am choking on a rock and going to throw up.

I'm so sick of feeling fragile!!



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Sometimes you just tune out

Feeling so bloody disconnected from myself

I hate feeling like this...


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Haven't had much to say

Been gearing up for the holiday season...

Actually put our tree up this past wkend with Hubs and the kids - earliest I've done it in years (usually it's put up Dec 22 - 24th).

Got some shopping done but not all. In-laws & Grandma are tough to buy for and I am the least crafty person EVER so... Yeah, it's stressful.

The expectations placed on ppl at Xmas are hard to deal with. Picking out & buying gifts, decorating, cooking, coordinating and arranging family get-togethers to accommodate everyone...

We have a small place so we always do Xmas gatherings at other family members' homes.

But it's still stressful.

Trying to keep the youngest away from the tree is a challenge.

Actually being in a store or the mall is a challenge.

And I'm feeling disconnected from myself and my life. You know how sometimes it's like your life is a movie or film and you are watching it from someplace else?

Yeah...


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1st time out in ages

So one of my good friends was laid off after just over 9 years of employment.

This is my first time out since Aug or Sept I think... I didn't even go out for my birthday but my friend needed me so here I am.

Had a good day re: Doctor Who's 50th anniversary - hoping I do OK out here tonight.

Been here 5 mins - 1 free drink consumed...




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Stressed for past few days

Had to share the size of the wound hairball of all the hair I pulled out today...

:(

For size comparison I put it on my PVR remote.

Gotta toss it without Hubs seeing - he hates my hair-pulling...


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??

Thoughts?
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On June 29, 2012 my ex-DR had this...

(See image)


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It may not make any sense but I'm still feeling left out...

OK so I've been quite down for quite awhile.

I've hardly been talking to some of my friends because I don't want to bring them down and I usually socialize with them in public and I haven't felt up to being out.

That being said, one of them messaged me last night (when I stayed home instead of going out) and mentioned that a few wks ago 3 of them had gone out together - but they never even asked me if I was up to going out.

So even though I'm down and have been hibernating - my feelings are hurt.

I know it doesn't make any sense but it's how I feel.

Though it's given me something else to obsess about instead of thinking about if there is any month where it would be "acceptable" to commit suicide if I ever decide to kill myself.

Can't pick the months my kids' birthdays are in, or my siblings', or my parents' or Hubs or my in-laws.

Can't do May because of Mothers Day.

So that means March, April, May, June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov & Dec are out.

That leaves Jan - nope that my anniversary with Hubs.

So Feb is the only month I could choose.

But Feb has Family Day & Valentine's Day.

So that's the drawback of a large family & multiple parents.

Guess that means I really cannot ever kill myself.

Good to know that logic dictates there is no acceptable month for this.

When things get really bad, I'll remind myself about that one.


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