The white noise instead of the negative self-talk

How many of you understand this one?

Before I was on any medication - I had this constant stream of negative self-talk that often passed as general commentary on everything I did or thought and it would be in my head, rather than actually in my ears but yet I would hear it in my own voice.

Honestly, I thought that's how it was for everyone because that's how it was for me for as far back as I could remember.

It was also why I often would (and sometimes still do, though now it's out of habit) talk out loud to myself when I am thinking about something or doing something.

However; once I started talking the Cipralex it made a a huge impact on that and it was suddenly so strangely QUIET in my head that I felt like things had become surreal.

Now that I am fairly adjusted to my 20 mg/day I can assess the effect and say that it has taken away about 75% of all that "noise" - that commentary/negative talk and what I can best describe as something that feels like digital white noise. 

I still get it sometimes, and it's most noticeable when I first wake up or when I am trying to get to sleep but it's nowhere what it once was.

Sometimes, I still get a touch of the racing thoughts at night or when I wake up from a dream, or when I am startled by something during the day but again, it is vastly improved over where it was.

I did bring up with my psychiatrist - I'm going to call him Dr. Calm - the fact that I feel like the decrease in the anxiety has brought the depression to the forefront and made it worse, or made me feel the full impact of it because I am less distracted by the anxiety as I have been for all these years prior.

The only side effects I am noticing from my meds thus far are the dry mouth and the extra sensitivity to heat (ugh!)

Oh and I should note that the Wellbutrin is still 300 mg/day but the Topamax is 150/day now.

I added a number of bipolar-related blogs to read when I started this one because, like I said in my first post, I'm still really a bipolar newbie.

It's good for myself and MOH to do some reading on this.

At this rate, I'm never going to finish Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter...

The secret shame - uncleanliness

I feel like I need musical accompaniment here.  DUN DUN DA!!!!

Imagine it, a silent movie, a man with a black hat and a curlicue mustache, laughing menacingly as, instead of tying the damsel in distress to the train tracks, he carries her towards a house.

The card with the text appears: "And now, you'll see that I have destroyed you in a way worse than death.  Everyone you know is in your house right now."

Cut to the woman, flailing in his arms and obviously extremely upset.

Another text card: "No, people can never come in uninvited.  They can never know how bad it gets!"

End scene

I actually discussed this with a friend who has similar challenges.  And it made me think of other people that I know with various mood disorders.

Some people with mood disorders have issues keeping their homes tidy and organized, some get to the point where they let their personal care slide and some have a combination of the two.

I have experienced this myself.  MOH (Man of the House) and I both have a hard time keeping the clutter down and the dishes done.

When I get really down, I stop having baths and switch to showers.  I know that doesn't sound as severe as people who may stop cleaning themselves altogether but it's huge for me because I take great pleasure in having a bath.

It's peaceful (except for the kids coming in to talk to me. my friends phoning me, MOH coming in to ask me to tell the kids to do what he says... you get the picture)

But I will tell you this.

I *HATE* living like this.

Yet I feel powerless to change it.  We have too many things for too small a space.  We suck at organizatioin, and when things are out-of-sight they become out-of-mind and suddenly I am not paying bills on time and we end up over-spending because the budget goes out the window because I lose all sense of what's going on because nothing is right in front of me.

Have I mentioned that I was also diagnosed ADHD along with the type 2 bipolar diagnosis?  I've read up on ADHD because one of our kids has it (maybe all 3 - who knows?) but I haven't really read up on adult ADHD beyond what I've read that convinced me that MOH has it... so imagine my surprise that I got diagnosed with it.

And since MOH has been battling depression since before I met him, can you guess what I am worried about now?

Did you guess?

I'm worried that he could be bipolar as well.

Anyway,  I need to go.  I need to eat and get dressed because I have group therapy this afternoon and I really look forward to it.