I think I feel a bit better today

Yesterday we had one of our friends over, which was nice because she gets the way that MOH and I are and her youngest daughter gets along with our kids (they haven't met her older dau. yet).

Though because Friday was an out-of-the-house-all-day-day for me, Sat was a barely-move-to-try-and-recover-day-day which my friend hadn't seen before and it also ended up being a bit of an emotional day to.

My energy is a bit better today again, so it's back to getting some crap done around the house.  Which appears to be pissing MOH and the older kids off.  It's only 11:16 a.m. and there has already been a few temper tantrums from my son and a couple of emotional tantrums from our daughter.

And MOH and I have locked horns a few times too.

Fun, fun, fun - even though not everyone is diagnosed I kind of wanna call us the ADHD house or House of ADHD.

Even if not everyone turns out to be BPD, I think there's a 90% chance of everyone having ADD/ADHD.

So to aid the older kids, despite MOH losing his cool over it, I wrote the kids the following STEP #1 list:

- GET GARBAGE BAG
- Throw out any garbage like:  broken toys, loose puzzle pieces, clothing tags, old snacks or treats, food garbage, food wrappers, gift bags, empty toy packaging, really dirty clothing that you can tell won't fit (like underwear)

Then come get another garbage bag when the first one is full and repeat

But yet when it comes to what I have to work on at this moment, I am writing a blog post instead and feeling overwhelmed just thinking about it.

When MOH went to group on Thursday, I went to work on the area that is HIS task area because he hadn't done anything all this week (other than me forcing him to help me with the living room on Sunday afternoon) and I was getting fed up.

I still find it WAY easier working on other people's "stuff" than on my own.  There is some more um... I guess,  precise or nit-picky organization I want/need/would like to do in the living room but I haven't found exactly what I have in my mind to use for that yet.

And then there is the BIG job of tackling the very small but disastrous so-called dining room or what I like to call the table-that-collects-everything and I feel like I don't know where to start. 

Because when it comes to MY areas/jobs - I'm at a loss.  What kind of sense does that make???

None.

I know, right?

Healer, heal thyself - blah bloody blah.

Man of the House is In The House

I'm kind of at a loss right now about what to post. I have some concerns about some medical tests that I have to have done, I have concerns about my youngest having autism, or being bi-polar, or OCD, or ADD, or any combination of those. And I'm concerned about what my own diagnosis is going to be when I go to my Pysch appointment on Monday. On one hand it will be a relief to finally get a professional's opinion to finally put a "label" on this "thing" that has been plaguing me for years. But then comes the realization that I could be more fucked up than I originally thought. So, lots of thoughts in my head right now that I need to sort through.

MOH

I spent most of Wednesday playing Twister with Fear

Seriously.

Every time I took a step in one direction, it blocked me.  One, slippery, inky, immoveable foot on red, a long, strong, arm on yellow, toppling me over, like a turtle on its back.  Unable to flip over and get its bearings.

MOH and I had a big talk with our young man today who had some legitimate questions about the upheaval that's been going on lately and that, for once, have not been focused on the emotional/neurological issues of himself or his older sister.

He actually timed me the other day.  As soon as I walked in the door from my peer support group, which was followed by a smaller peer social outing for a cool beverage of a non-alcoholic variety, my pride and joy looked at me as if I had broken curfew and said, in an affronted tone, "MOM!  Do you know you've been gone for exactly 4 hours and 15 minutes?!?!?!"

To which I replies, "No I didn't.  Thanks for telling me, honey."

Then I ruffled his hair and gave him a smooch on the forehead.  Apparently not the reaction he was looking for.

He was gearing for a fight.

Now if it's one thing the more verbal members of our family have in common is that we all seem to leap into verbal sparring in the blink of an eye.  We're yellers and interrupters and we all like to get the last word.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Every single one of us is convinced that we are, without fail, almost always right.  (And you know that can't be the case since everyone should know that I am right at least 88% of the time!)

I was taking a break from my BPD 2 reading and reading about ADD/ADHD since I have been convinced, for years, that MOH has it - in part because our oldest girl has it and because in reading about it a few years ago so much of it sounded like him (granted, at the time I did say that a good portion sounded like me but I thought I was being some sort of hypochondriac or something) and, of course, along with my BPD 2 diagnosis, I was also diagnosed with ADHD.

So when I was doing this reading last night, I got very scared because I started to wonder if our young man, who already has an ASD diagnosis, might have a co-morbid case of ADHD that has gone undiagnosed.

And then I have to wonder - what does that mean for our not-so-little-one? The lover of pink, coins, shoes and animals?

So those were the fears I was wrapped up in today.

What in the world would it mean if EVERYONE in our family has some form of neurological disorder?

How could we survive as a family?

Would we self-destruct?

If we did, would it all be my fault because I took to many years to get some real help for my own issues?

Playing Twister with Fear, my friends.

And Fear is one nasty bitch of a player.

You know why?

Because she'll trip you, she'll push you and then she'll try to hold you down until you just give up.

But I don't feel like giving up right now.

Hopefully I will still feel that way tomorrow.