The Final Countdown

I am sitting outside, with the blue sky above me and the sun's rays beating down on my skin.

The grass is soft, the breeze is light and my heart is heavy.

My grandpa is in his 88th year... He went into hospital on the Sunday of Victoria Day wkend.

Since then, on top of his diabetes & original kidney issues, a fist-sized tumour was discovered in his liver, plus a blockage of one kidney.

Then he was no longer able to eat well-blended, soft purees without Gravol.

And then even that stopped due to an undefined throat and escoughagus issue.

He wanted no more interventions, no more tests, no anything

So he was moved (after some DR drama) to palliative care.

I've been here every day.

He's been basically non-responsive since a scary seizure he had yesterday when almost all of our family was present.

Yesterday, before the seizure, Grandpa was asking over and over to see Grandma. He said he wanted to see her again before he died and that it would be too late -- that he wasn't going to get to see her.

Well, he did see her and acknowledge her before the seizure.

Yesterday he saw Mom, myself, my sister & her father, our uncle, aunt, 2 cousins (and 1 cousin's long-time gf) and our Grandma.

Today he saw Mom, my step-dad, myself, my aunt & uncle -- my sister is coming up in a bit.

I had to come outside because Grandpa made it very clear that he wants to die alone. He wants his parents (whose spirits he's said he's been seeing earlier in the wk) to come for him and that he doesn't want any of us to be there when he goes.

On Friday he told me, "I love you too much to go."

So I am taking this opportunity - waiting for Hubs to pick me up - to give him some privacy in case now is the time.

But he was always such a sun-lover, I would not be at all surprised if he went at sunset or tomorrow's sunrise.

All I want is for him to go in peace.

Just fall asleep and cross over.

Is that too much to ask?


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		This message is brought to you by Rogers
	I feel the need to blog but it's hard to decide what to say. Today my Grandpa told me that he loved me too much to go... I told him that it's OK to go. That when his parents come for him that the love I have for him stays with him so it's OK... No matter how old someone is - death is incredibly hard to deal with

		This message is brought to you by Rogers
	When a loved one is dying...

What is there to say?

It's like I always have so many emotions and feelings churning around inside of me that it's hard to know exactly how I feel in any given moment because I'm almost always in turmoil.

I swear the meds just make everything worse.

It turns out that my family DR's office didn't properly fill out the paperwork for my new psych referral back in March and, apparently, also faxed it to the wrong phone number.

After numerous phone calls from me yesterday - they did fax to the correct number but it was the wrong form and they were supposed to do the correct form (I hope) today.

The wait time is 2-3 months. So I am hoping that the referral is able to be back-dated to the original (but screwed up by my family DR's office) referral.

Also having a crampy, bitchy time dealing with perimenopause... Having my first cycle since March 8th is doing nothing positive for my mood, lemme tell you.

I have some appts tomorrow - I'm hoping they go well and I have an important medical one on Thursday morning that I am really anxious about.

When it comes to the Ontario medical and mental health system - I really feel that people are at the mercy of the doctors and specialists that we go to consult and we have enough stressful situations that have made us or left us feeling powerless in our lives...

I find it appalling that in an area so vital and personal that we are treated like second class citizens.
And it's not just those of us with mental health issues, it's everyone. Though it can be a lot harder to deal with for someone with mental health issues, or children with behavioural issues and/or sensory issues etc...

Let's face it - being stuck with a DR because you have one - even if you aren't happy with them -- SUCKS!

And not being able to GET a DR, when you need someone to be familiar with your file and history -- SUCKS!

And dealing with the related stress of situations like this -- SUCKS!

You get the picture.


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She's alive

On Saturday night I was really down - sometimes when that happens (well I'm actually prone to this at any time) I burst into impromptu song which I made up as I went along...

The chorus being, "I hate my fucking life, could end it with a knife, escaping with a slice or three... But then my kids would hurt, while I rot in the dirt, missing out on their own progeny..."

So I do actually find it helpful - even if it may appear "crazy."

CBT is over. I thought it was one of the best groups I've done.

I feel a bit vulnerable and adrift right now though.

*sigh*


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It's difficult to post this...

I'm copying this from my CBT journal.

On March 26th, we discussed styles of distorted thinking and faulty assumptions.

These were the following statements we were asked to examine and reflect on:

#1 everything I do must be absolutely perfect; otherwise I am a failure

#2 I must always be at peak efficiency and performance

#3 Life is fair

#4 If others disagree with me, then I must be wrong

#5 I am only worthwhile as long as I am doing something for someone else

#6 The way to be accepted and appreciated by others is to give and give

#7 Anger is bad

#8 Being healthy will mean not having strong emotions

#9 I have to do everything I am asked to do

#10 I have the power to change people

#11 Good relationships have no relationships

#12 It is unbearable when life is not the way I would like it to be

#13 It is easier to avoid life's problems than to face them

#14 I need someone stronger or more powerful than myself to rely on

#15 I need other people to be supportive of me

The 1st one I identified with was #2. It applies to me in the realm of weight, mood, personal care and household upkeep.

Nothing I do is or seems to be or feels "good enough" because I can compare it to something I was or looked or did BEFORE (in my past) which, at that time, wasn't good enough but is now an unattainable "ideal" because of how far I have fallen.

Writing it like this -- it sounds like perfectionism and yet I have never tried to be perfect and I am one of the furthest people from perfection.

So I think I've just confused myself somewhat...

I can say that the farthest back that I can relate it to my life was to being compared to my older siblings by our mother and a few of my teachers.

Next #3. I must say that I get enraged at every instance where I am, once again, shown that life is not fair. My core belief is that all things should be fair and equal and I think, ironically, that it comes from the fact that being abused in my childhood by a neighbourhood bully and even though the school, my parents and his parents knew about the physical aspect of it -- no one stopped it and it continued for YEARS!

That clearly showed me that life was NOT fair and so it is a huge anger trigger for me.

#5 resonates with me in a few ways. Partly because a mother is supposed to be a martyr (learned at home) and partly because my emotional needs were ignored a LOT in my life and I don't want anyone I care about to feel that way.

#6 is very much the siamese twin of #5 in a multitude of ways with the added bonus of my adoption and abandonment issues thrown in. [Paragraphs not included] I am an adoptee who grew up in a household that was emotionally detached in so many ways.

Add to that the fact that both my adoptive parents died before I was 35.

[Paragraphs not included]... I claim some ownership in that one, but it still hurts.

#7 I struggle to express my anger in a healthy way and to teach my children how to do so as well which segueways right into

#8 I have been chastised and/or mocked for being "overly emotional" aka "too sensitive."

It is an on-going struggle to this date. It arises in all areas of my life but the only other thing I've learned to do is to squelch my emotions and feelings so it's like I can either choose to explode or eventually implode with the strength of whatever I am experiencing but not expressing.

It is scary and embarrassing and it's just as if my inner self has been transported so that when these overloads occur -- it is not a 40+ woman feeling this way at all.

It's a young girl, a child, my inner child, reacting to the feeling of being victimized, or controlled, or being under someone's thumb.

[Paragraph not included]

When I get emotionally overwhelmed like that I "time travel" and am not emotionally equipped, in that moment, to express myself in a way that feels safe so I react in two ways re: fight or flight -- I get aggressive or I acquiesce.

It has even happened with a mental health professional. I tried to avoid those two responses by communicating in the form of a letter because my feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger and depression lasted for weeks.

I ended up being literally chastised and then punished for it. The punishment being the assessment written about me by the so-called professional which was completed after that and after I terminated his services.

Stupidly I had trusted him to remain professional when I revealed my deeper emotional self rather than my protective intellectual self.

#9 I do feel that I am slowly but surely making progress with this one - though I am certainly the tortoise if this one is a race. I do find myself feeling guilty if I say "no" and I have a real struggle with creating natural and sustainable boundaries.

#10 Can fees into the martyr concept as well in a roundabout manner making me feel as if, "If I can change so-and-so, then I can change myself!"

#12 The big one that falls under (into?) this assumption for me ios the following -- "If our home was perfectly clean and orderly then everything would feel better; I'd have more hope!"

I cannot explain WHY this one is - it just is! Maybe it relates to my late parents being on their way to being hoarders? (Not messy or dirty - just a whole lotta junk)

My maternal grandparents are the same way.

#13 sometimes I do lose myself so far into the depression and the hopelessness of it all that I do avoid things. And not just the problems but anything and everything I can avoid or ignore or put off -- I will do that.

Taxes, other important paperwork are actually some of the toughest things for me to get done.

#14 I have actually always seen myself AS the strong person for others to rely on whoch is why it's so hard to accept where I am now...

#15 this is true but I still don't really understand why this one is a bad assumption??

If anyone actually made it through that, have you got any thoughts on it?
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It was a good day...

It was a day of family and celebration.

My youngest turned 3 so we had family over (for various reasons the friends we'd asked to drop in couldn't make it).

But I felt OK today. Even happy in moments.

The brightest joys in my life are my children.

And today, was a day where I thoroughly enjoyed them.

It's nice to say that I had a good day.
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On my mind

We were discussing our personal "bill of rights" in CBT group on Tuesday.

There were a number of things on it that I find challenging and; therefore, I find emotionally upsetting.

I am an expert at being emotionally separated from myself. Deliberately distant. It has been one of the prime ways that I have protected myself throughout my life.

It is probably how I kept myself going for as long as I did.

I do not know how to stand up for myself in a socially-acceptable way.

I am scared of men in "power positions" (especially medical professionals) and it makes me angry because I feel that's a large part of why I am still struggling now.

I am instantly transported to feeling powerless and controlled and it activates my fight or flight to the extreme.

I talked about it a bit on Tuesday and I ended up crying.

I HATE crying in public.

I apologized and I got hold of myself fairly quickly, probably within 5 minutes, but I felt embarrassed.

I don't cry in public.

Intellectually, I know how to connect most of my issues to specific events in my past and the groups I've been participating in have been helping me start to re-connect to MYSELF emotionally.

The scariest part of that is the fact that this means I end up having these spontaneous emotional reactions about my own life and feelings.

I'm used to spontaneous things when it comes to laughter, anger and fear but sorrow or grief about the things that happened to me - that's the sort of thing I've always tried to control...

I feel like I'm being helped - even though things are getting scarier because things are more real and connected than they have been in awhile...
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