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Tuesday, 10 December 2013

So fed up

Some days I feel like everything in the universe is designed to upset/frustrate/anger me.

One thing about not having a fam DR is not having someone who can refer me to a psych.

This time of year tends to be especially stressful and challenging for me on many levels.

Last night I couldn't turn off my brain and it wasn't even CURRENT woes -- I was caught up in some mental loop involving some of the bad things I went through as a child.

I was locked into memories of being choked and assaulted in grade school by the neighbourhood boy who hurt me for years.

Then I got stuck in the memory of physically hurting a childhood frenemy (by high school we were friends without the enemyness).

Usually I bore the physical and mental battle scars of my altercations with her but ONE TIME I just exploded into a mindless rage and I badly hurt her when we were both 8 years old.

I remember my neighbourhood abuser cheering at me from his front yard -- he didn't do anything to me for maybe 2 weeks after he saw that incident.

He told me he was proud of me.

How fucked is that??

So that's how it went from me being caught up in the memories of being abused and transitioned to the first time I really hurt someone.

Then it went to a few other incidents of when I was older and responded to some situations with violence and from there went into the time I had alcohol poisoning and blacked out (I have some vague memories) and was stopped from jumping to my death from a friend's balcony in Toronto in my mid to late 20s.

I remember throwing up violently and then I was back in time and being hurt and it was a female friend who grabbed me and held me and tried to ground me in the present.

Now, none of that happened at this time of year so I can't explain why I was so mired in all of it last night.

Even blogging about it right now, I feel like I am choking on a rock and going to throw up.

I'm so sick of feeling fragile!!

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Thursday, 5 December 2013

Sometimes you just tune out

Feeling so bloody disconnected from myself

I hate feeling like this...

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Monday, 2 December 2013

Haven't had much to say

Been gearing up for the holiday season...

Actually put our tree up this past wkend with Hubs and the kids - earliest I've done it in years (usually it's put up Dec 22 - 24th).

Got some shopping done but not all. In-laws & Grandma are tough to buy for and I am the least crafty person EVER so... Yeah, it's stressful.

The expectations placed on ppl at Xmas are hard to deal with. Picking out & buying gifts, decorating, cooking, coordinating and arranging family get-togethers to accommodate everyone...

We have a small place so we always do Xmas gatherings at other family members' homes.

But it's still stressful.

Trying to keep the youngest away from the tree is a challenge.

Actually being in a store or the mall is a challenge.

And I'm feeling disconnected from myself and my life. You know how sometimes it's like your life is a movie or film and you are watching it from someplace else?


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Sunday, 24 November 2013

1st time out in ages

So one of my good friends was laid off after just over 9 years of employment.

This is my first time out since Aug or Sept I think... I didn't even go out for my birthday but my friend needed me so here I am.

Had a good day re: Doctor Who's 50th anniversary - hoping I do OK out here tonight.

Been here 5 mins - 1 free drink consumed...

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Friday, 8 November 2013

Stressed for past few days

Had to share the size of the wound hairball of all the hair I pulled out today...


For size comparison I put it on my PVR remote.

Gotta toss it without Hubs seeing - he hates my hair-pulling...

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Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Sunday, 3 November 2013

It may not make any sense but I'm still feeling left out...

OK so I've been quite down for quite awhile.

I've hardly been talking to some of my friends because I don't want to bring them down and I usually socialize with them in public and I haven't felt up to being out.

That being said, one of them messaged me last night (when I stayed home instead of going out) and mentioned that a few wks ago 3 of them had gone out together - but they never even asked me if I was up to going out.

So even though I'm down and have been hibernating - my feelings are hurt.

I know it doesn't make any sense but it's how I feel.

Though it's given me something else to obsess about instead of thinking about if there is any month where it would be "acceptable" to commit suicide if I ever decide to kill myself.

Can't pick the months my kids' birthdays are in, or my siblings', or my parents' or Hubs or my in-laws.

Can't do May because of Mothers Day.

So that means March, April, May, June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov & Dec are out.

That leaves Jan - nope that my anniversary with Hubs.

So Feb is the only month I could choose.

But Feb has Family Day & Valentine's Day.

So that's the drawback of a large family & multiple parents.

Guess that means I really cannot ever kill myself.

Good to know that logic dictates there is no acceptable month for this.

When things get really bad, I'll remind myself about that one.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Monday, 28 October 2013

Apparently it takes a wk for the files

Called ex-family DR's office today - was told it's $25 for copies of all mental health records, breast-related records, cardiology-related records & for records re: my LEEP.

Had to pay up-front (sent Hubs to do it) and the reciept is very non-specific.

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Thursday, 24 October 2013

Still no luck

The name of the DR I was told about is in a different area and only take patients from that area.

I had a cry about that.

Still no word re: my medical files that *I* want copies of.

On Wed, I spoke to one of the receptionists and explained why I was leaving the practice and said I wanted to know how much it would be for copies of the following:

-anything in my file to do with mental health
- everything from the cardiologist
- everything re: my breast health

No one called me on Wed.

I called back on Thurs and was told it was $75 for tranferring my complete file to a new DR.

I re-explained that I didn't have a new DR yet and what I wanted and added that I'd also want any and all info related to a LEEP I had done by my OBGYN at the local hospital.

This receptionist (different from the one on Wed) said the note for the DR *had* specified exactly that. And she said she'd get back to me.

No phone calls from the DR office the rest of Wednesday or today.

Of course this is the same DR who took from March - till Sept to properly fill out a referral so I should not be surprised.

I know that, legally, he cannot deny me my records if I pay for them. But I just feel like he's deliberately stalling to fuck with me.

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Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Breakthrough, breakdown or just another day in my effing brain??

Middle of the night last night had my mind whirling out of control.

Was feeling so hopeless and powerless that I started to examine in my head exactly why I DON'T kill myself.

Suicidal ideation is like my shadow - sometimes it gets worse and I freak out but generally, it doesn't usually phase me.

But last night I was going over in my head all the times in the past where I've been at that point.

Bottom line is that I always decide to hang on because of the people I love.

Which is good, because it *does* keep me here BUT why is it - why is it that it never occurs to me or feels like I need to stick around for myself???

So I don't know how to describe the state I'm in. I get like this sometimes - it's like joy and happiness are behind an unbreakable glass wall - I can see it, I can sort of fake it but it's beyond me right now.

And it was the further thinking (which I am NOT comfortable writing about - no point in giving the universe ideas) that made me finally fire my family DR today - because part of the reason I feel hopeless and powerless is because he doesn't listen to me and doesn't respect me.

I've been unhappy being his patient since early 2006 but my fear of change kept me sticking with him.

Isn't that one of the definitions of crazy - doing the same thing and expecting a different result??

His office never phoned back today...

Of course I am immediately thinking it's because he's shredding my mental health assessments while laughing diabolically.

Or he was too busy popping champagne because he's been covertly trying to get me to remove myself as his patient for years and I was too naïve to realize it...

But I don't need the extra burden of negativity that being his patient and being at loggerheads with him brought upon me.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Called DR's office to remove myself from the roster

Feeling terrified.

Worried DR will remove things from my file.

Wondering what sort of price (which is unregulated and set by the DR) I'll be charged for all pages in my file relating to my mental health, mammograms and the cardiologist.

Freaking out.

Got on a waiting list. No idea how many people are already on there.

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Monday, 21 October 2013

Everything is bloody pointless

Bottom line appears to be that I'll have to fire my DR; pay for my records and then DR shop till I find a good one (if that's possible) and one who will read my records and fill in the ODSP application.

*IF* I manage to accomplish all that - then I have no idea how long it is until ODSP decides.

I feel like it's all pointless and stressful and there's no guarantee that any of this will help.

Been bummed all day.

Back up to 300 Wellbutrin as of yesterday.

We'll see how it all goes.

Life sucks.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Compulsive hair pulling

Not pulling people's hair but compulsively pulling out my own hair and wrapping it into balls and then throwing them out.

Anyone else do this?

I've done it since I was a little kid.

In my teens I actually had a small bald area because back then I always pulled from the same spot.

Now I know enough not to do that.

I also bit my nails and pick and peel hang nails. I also have always picked off scabs.

And I love peeling sunburned skin.

Is this part of the bipolar disorder?

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Friday, 11 October 2013

Inordinately upset

Overall, it's been a decent day - pretty good even.

The weather was beautiful, the kids were good, I ran errands with my Mom (I have/had 2 moms), visited my grandma, briefly saw my sister.

Hubs made a nice dinner.

That being said, the end of my day has me feeling quite upset. Hubs was giving me a hard time over something he disagreed with & didn't drop it so I ended up having to partially address a long-time situation re: my sense of self-worth that existed before I ever knew Hubs.

He FINALLY got to the point where he saw beyond the surface and apologized.

However; I'm already down here - feeling like crap.

talking about it won't make me feel better. Neither will crying about it.

It's one of those things that I have to just accept.

But it's not easy. And it's something I've struggled with for over 20 years.

If I had somewhere to go - I'd go in the car and just drive but it's not the right time of year for that.

Our town is overrun with beer enthusiasts, enjoying a good polka at various festhalls.

Not a good time to be driving.

But I don't want to be here either...

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Does it ever get better?

I recently found a diary I briefly kept in 2004.

By this point in my life, I hadn't been doing much hand-written journalling like I had when I was younger.

I was more into at that point in time.

But on occasion I did sometimes physically write down my thoughts and feelings.

Here are some things that still apply to me NOW...

After a therapy session:

" big takeaway was her point that emotions/feelings aren't rational so that spending time trying to rationalize one's feelings is like running in a hamster wheel. Feelings just are.

"I need to exist now. Not in my past, not in the future."

*this is still a major challenge for me!!

My Mom:

"I've told friends before I learned to not experience emotions at my mother's knee... I wasn't kidding."

"She gave me some grief over my therapy appt, reminding me that when things bother you, you're supposed to throw them over your shoulder and not look back."


"What are the strong emotions I think I experience the most? Fear, anger, anxiety, joy. 3 to 1. That sucks.

"I am a pessimist because it feels safer but I can still sometimes dream."

"I'm thankful for the same things/reasons/people daily & I guess I take that for granted because I still find myself attempting to assign weight to things. Like these are the things I'm thankful for but the way I feel about [terminal cancer diagnosis for someone I still love and miss 9 yrs after her death] is over-shadowing everything else."


"I waver between hopefulness and despair. There is no middleground, not even a chemically-induced one. I stopped taking the Celexa because I don't want to have a false sense of security. I need to know that everything that happens and that everything I feel is real."

**I had started cutting myself for probably the first time since high school because nothing felt real to me.


"I tend to be naïve, gullible & over-trusting. I also feel the need to fix and to help and put all my energy into trying to make a positive difference for others because it's where I created my sense of self-worth."

"...the biggest thing I am feeling right now is POWERLESS."

" my life I use words as a shield and a weapon. If I can fully put something into words then I don't necessarily have to feel it."

**still true


"It's difficult not to get mad at myself for not handling this all better. I feel like having human weaknesses is unacceptable."

** I still feel this way about myself. I'd never be this hard on someone I love and care about so why is it my first reponse to myself? Where is my love and compassion for ME from me?

And, a poem I wrote back then...

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Feeling apprehensive

Have appt #2 with MSW at OW.

I've been plagued with late night paranoia and fears. I even erased what I was writing because I felt like my heart was being squeezed.

I used to think if I wrote out or thought out my fears and worst-case scenarios - it would prepare me for the worst but now I fear it would release things into the world I do not want.

Giving false intentions to the Universe.

Giving power to things that would destroy me.

So that's all I am going to write about that.

It's too hard to explain even if I could.

Not sure what I am going to talk about at my appt tmw.

I had considered doing a short-form cheat sheet of sorts for MSW re: my issues & external factors that exacerbate them.

But I didn't.

I guess I'll wing it depending how I feel.

Sometimes I wish there was a "how-to" participate in therapy.

If this is a test, I'm probably failing.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Monday, 7 October 2013

Slowing down

My mood is dropping, as is my energy.

Also finally got my period.

Connected? I don't know.

OW worker called today to tell me about a job fair I should send Hubs to.

But she didn't actually talk to him or ask to talk to him.

So why am I the middleperson?

Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive...

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Charges for your own medical records

Who governs this?

I called my family DR's office to ask (using *67 so they wouldn't know it was me) how the process works.

If a patient wants copies of anything - it's on paper (not digital format) and is $1/page.

If it's a transfer of care and is your whole file - it's a "lump sum" but it's up to the DR discretion & is delivered directly to the new DR.

So right there is another thing that traps ppl with DRs that they aren't happy with.

I know my file is thick - been there as a patient for just over a decade.

So how much is that going to cost on a limited income????

I read an article where a Kingston woman was charged over $600 for her own medical records.


I know when my previous DR left her practice (and I ended up w/ my current DR) that there was a number to call and an automated msg informed me (in 2002) it would be $1000 for my medical records.

I did not get them - no way could I afford that.

How much worse would it be now???

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Tuesday, 1 October 2013

So much on my mind

You know how when you get a new car, suddenly you see that make and model everywhere? Or like how it seems everyone is pregnant the same time you are?

I can't stop the memories popping up.

I've been trying to stay up till the point of exhaustion (2 - 3 a.m. And then I'm up between 7 and 8 a.m.) But still - my mind whirls.

B.M. from college who attempted to assault me when we were hanging out. That was over 20 yrs ago - and he didn't manage to do it (though I did have a handcuff mark on the wrist he caught).

Then there's the creepy memory of being in the basement of an uncle -- Adam West's Batman on the TV... I really don't seem to remember more than that and that's OK. I can't deal with anything else right now.

Meds still have me hypo - but I'm riding the wave, channelling it into productivity.

Been returning phone calls and emails I've been avoiding. Reaching out to services, even did some exercising last night around 1 a.m.

Christ - just texting this post has my heart racing.

Trying to breathe.

No reply from mental health advocate yet - but when I left the msg, his outgoing greeting indicated he wasn't in the office until today.

Oh and I signed up for a one-day seminar "Raising your Spirited Child" -- hoping it's not too crowded.

Called about stress therapy group and anger mgmt groups (one for adults, one for Tweens and Teens).

All are Tuesday evenings which conflict with other activities our family participates in.

Still highly agitated.

From hyper to angry in seconds depending on external environment.

Craving chocolate like a mofo but perimenopause is totally fucking with me.

Had two periods last month with 18 days between them and now it's been 35 days (I think) since my last one.

Is the universe piling up on me like this because I'm still not coping or surviving well mentally?

Or is it my sense of my own fragility that scares me so much right now?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Monday, 30 September 2013

A lil hypo

I didn't get out to get my Rx to re-start Wellbutrin till Sept 24th.

Am already experiencing a slight touch of hypomania at a 150 mg dose 1x/day.

Re-organization and cleaning spree began yesterday.

But I'm OK with that. Because being depressed for so long means things just haven't been done till my last episode.

I'm thinking it'll taper off as I re-adjust BUT for now, I'm trying to ride it out and get stuff done.

Sure, I'm surly BUT there's a give and take here.

At least I can get my ass off the couch.

And I'm not as angry and aggressive as when I was taking the Wellbutrin with Topamax & Cipralex.

No sex drive yet though. Last time that didn't return until I was on 300 mg of Wellbutrin.

Still wondering if an anti-psychotic is what would stabilize my moods BUT with my heart - I don't know if there is one that won't impact my heart.

Left a msg for someone re: mental health advocacy.

Cross your fingers and wish me luck.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Feeling Moody (not like that's anything new)

So I had an appt w/ family DR on Tuesday to get the referral for my breast check follow-up.

While there he asked if I had any other concerns. I said no because I knew he wouldn't have the psych report yet.

I told him I had the assessment and the diagnosis. He said, "Any surprises?"

I said no.

I said that OW wants me on ODSP.

He said, "I prefer to see you working."

I said that he knows I haven't worked FT since 2004 & and PT 2009 and since my issues impact my ability to leave the house and deal with people.

He said, "You'll make a good forest ranger then."

I had my mom with me. She found him rude and said she understands what I've been complaining about.

BTW my appt was at 11:30 - I checked in at 11:20. Yet he didn't see me till 12:55!

I was told I was next and then he deliberately went into the room next to mine (I even said, "They said I was next" and he didn't say a word).

And when he did come in - he offered no apology or explanation re: his tardiness.

The question is now - how can I get a DR that I can have a good working relationship with?

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Thursday, 19 September 2013

Still bipolar type 2

I think the assessment went well. Dr. H had me fill out a lot of questionnaires. And he asked me questions and he talked to me.

He said the easiest way to look at things is that there are some specific "main" diagnoses.

They are: Dementia, Schizophrenia, Bipolar & Depression.

Then he explained that you can be Biploar and have issues with anxiety, or obsessive thoughts or concentration etc... That all these others things are just part of that top tier diagnosis.

He recommends I see a psychiatrist to monitor my meds and a clinical psychologist or counsellor in tandem with that.

Of course he/the hospital do NOT fill out ODSP applications.

So once the report is typed up I either need to re-approach my family DR (who has already refused to help me once, despite my diagnosis of bipolar from last summer) OR fire my DR and try to find a new one who will help me.

That process will entail paying who knows how much for my medical records.


It's strange that one so often hears about people ripping off the system but the other side of things is people like me who are honest but being ignored/reviled/punished by the main professional who should be helping me.

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Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Assessment or consultation (1 time thing) is today

So, after much frustration and strife, I was able to be scheduled in this afternoon (now that fam DR finally got the proper info to hospital).

I am currently killing time before the appointment because I am afraid if I go somewhere else first, something will divert me from attending.

I know I want an, essentially, impartial assessment because of the personal strife I had with my last psychiatrist BUT now my fears are boiling over.

It brings up my issues with authority figures, with medical professionals, with men in roles of power and influence; plus, my anxiety of being judged.

And I keep reminding myself that this is a step that should assist me in getting the treatment outline that I require. A guide.

BUT I am afraid.

I am afraid of not being heard and/or being misunderstood.
I am afraid of talking about all of these things inside of me. And the possibly mitigating factors involved with them.
I am afraid of following up with my family DR and still being "pooh-poohed" by him.

After all, this dr was of no assistance re: my child's diagnosis. And I feel he has been deliberately hindering and hampering me re: my mental health whereas my ex-husband thinks the dr is great (he treats both of us).

I am afraid that I'll be just as powerless and hopeless after this as I feel right now.

So I am writing this post to try and get the worst of it, the part that knots my stomach to the point of nausea, OUT.

Wish me luck and wellness and healing.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Is it possible that breakdowns and meltdowns can be good for you?

OK.  I realize this might sound strange (or maybe it doesn't? Really, what do I know?) but I had such a bad day on Thursday.  And I completely broke down.

After the blog post I made - I tried to distract myself but I ended up feeling so defeated and powerless and hopeless that I actually called a crisis hotline.

I spoke to someone (albeit rather incoherently for probably the bulk of the call) about how I was feeling and what was going on with me and ended up, with some helpful advice on choosing to *not* go for intake at the hospital because, bottom line, I was not at risk for killing myself.

That being said - I've been in fairly rough shape for awhile.  I do my best to put it aside when I have to leave the house and I also try to stay engaged with the kids and take my own time outs when I can't handle the noise.

But Thursday I ended up having just a brutal cry.  Wrenching from the depths of me so much that it physically hurt to sob that way.  Keening wordlessly.  I was just fucking done.  I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't "put it in a box" and I had to feel it and express it.

It was cathartic.

Friday was pretty much a write off because I felt exhausted.  Not the same as the almost constant tiredness of the down zone but a bone-deep exhaustion.  A result of my meltdown.

Saturday I managed to get up in the morning.  I ate.  I gathered laundry.  I dropped off 2 bags of donation clothing.  I made it to Tai Chi for the first time in a week or so.

Then, I actually BBM'd one of my friends today.  I've been really quite incommunicado for the past while unless people call me and even then, I don't always answer the phone. Part of this is because I hate when I feel so bad and it's hard to put a reasonable spin on it for the people in my life.

So instead - I hibernate, so to speak.

I got the impulse to go out and around 11:30 - I picked up one of my friends and we went out to the bar to socialize and dance.  The last time I went out and did this was Aug 3rd.  And before that - I'm not sure.  I think I went out once to toss a few back after Grandpa died.

But that massive release seems like it might have been good for me.  Like draining the pus from an infection.

The thing is I am not adept at handling or expressing my own emotions.  I used to be really good (maybe I still am) at helping other people with things going on with them.  Yet as supportive as I can be for others (though sometimes I can't be present at all - let me be clear on that one) overall, I just cannot correlate that into being supportive for myself.

I get so angry and disgusted with myself that I have to do my best to block things.

My son commented earlier in the week that I will cry over music, or TV shows or books and movies.  He said I cry more over things like that than I do anything else.

And he's correct.

I think I may have mentioned this before but it's just easier for me to cry at those sorts of things, even if the basis of those emotions are coming from within - those outside forces help give me some release.

So - do I LIKE melting down or breaking down?  No.

But it feels like it helped. As if I emptied my "pain warehouse."

Will things build up again?  Of course.  It always does.

But maybe I can work on expressing some of these things before I lose control next time?

Who knows?

It's 4 a.m. and counting - I need to drag myself to bed.

Saturday, 14 September 2013


Receptionist from family DR phoned yesterday and said a properly filled out referral form was to be faxed to the hospital that day.

I was told I still owe $15 for a phoned in Rx from last Oct (that I was never informed of until Thursday) and that I was no longer going to be charged for the Jan appt I showed up for but other receptionist had given me the wrong time.

(That I *had* addressed with them as soon as I got a letter about it because I'd said something when I showed up for the appt, then when I got the letter and was assured back then that they would remove the charge and then I never heard anything about that again until Thursday).

Here's hoping it WAS done.

I'll call to follow up next wk.

Wish me luck!
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Thursday, 12 September 2013

The on-going BS dealing with doctors

I am livid right now. Absolutely livid. Frustrated and disheartened and absolutely sick of the helplessness we deal with re: the medical system.

I'm going to have to backtrack here - last summer I was seeing a psychiatrist who I originally liked and thought he was going to help me.

He is the one who diagnosed me with Type 2 bipolar and ADHD.

I saw him for awhile but then he forgot that we discussed ODSP and actually told me that we'd never had a conversation about it.
That occurred at the end of an appointment and I was shocked and frustrated and upset.

I went out to my car and I flipped out. I called Hubs, one of my best friends and another friend and told them what had happened.

I stewed about it for a few wks and went into a massive downcycle - worse than my standard low.

I wrote him a letter - an upset one to be sure - so that he'd know how I was feeling before my next appointment in the hope that I wouldn't have to "waste" my next appointment discussing my feelings about it and just get to the ODSP info.

Instead my next appointment was spent with him angrily confronting me - showing me his "notes" on our previous sessions (which consisted of 2 - 4 SENTENCES per 45 minute session) though he did back-handedly say, "I have a lot of patients and may have forgotten."

He also asked me why I was getting emotional (I was crying) and the whole thing was traumatizing.

I have issues with men, and with authority figures and with feeling powerless.

That last appt was all about him proving that he, the almighty psychiatrist, was in the right and I, the lowly patient should suck it up.

I tried to kowtow to him because I was afraid and I never returned.

Following that, maybe a few wks later is when he deigned to write up an assessment on me and send it to my family DR.

In between my last psych appt and him sending the assessment (which I have never seen - though family DR said it was "unflattering") I had an appt with family DR where I said I'd had a "falling out" with the psych.

I felt so distrustful after it all that I didn't ask for a new psych referral until around March 3rd, at first for whomever was available but then I got the name of someone recommended for doing well-written assessments so I called to switch the referral to a psych at the local hospital. Plus the psych family DR had first recommended turned out to be the psych of a trusted friend (and she hated him).

I knew it would be a wait.

I followed up in May and found out from hospital that family DR had sent a referral in March but it wasn't filled out correctly.

Hospital had followed up with family DR and said they'd be ignored so they closed the file.

I asked them to contact again and then contacted family DR and asked them to correct the situation (this was around May 6th or 7th I think)

May was when Grandpa got sick and went to hospital and we found out he was terminal so from that point until Grandpa died in June I was occupied with that.

And grieving.

Followed up again about Aug 20th (found the whole sitch frustrating and upsetting so I had to work up my nerve to get back to it).

Family DR office said referral had been refused.

Hospital said DR still hadn't filled out the specific info on the form they had faxed back in May. They re-faxed to my DR's office.
I called family DR and explained the situation and asked it be resolved.

I have been doing phone calls with Dr's office and hospital since Aug 20th.

Today, family DR still hasn't done it. Receptionist now presented something totally different to me. Says I have an outstanding bill with them. One since last Oct re: prescription renewal and one for Jan re: missed appt.

Says family DR won't fix the referral until this is taken care of.

This is the 1st I've heard of the Rx renewal charge.

As for the missed appt charge, I did receive a letter about thta and I called them immediately because I had shown up for the appt time I was given on the phone and the DR wasn't there. I was told at that time I'd missed the appt. I said I'd come at the time I was given.

When I spoke to the person on the phone following the letter, she said that maybe she'd told me the wrong time because we'd been discussing 2 possible appt dates and times and said she'd take care of that because it was possibly her error.

Now, keep in mind this morning was the first time they've said anything about fixing my referral being held hostage.

Then she said she wasn't sure if I was still a patient.

I explained that I had gone to a walk-in clinic once for an inquiry which I believe a patient is allowed to do.

(It was a consult re: my doctor-patient relationship and if one could go on a waiting list for a different DR while still keeping one's own DR in the interim.)

Because I require a follow-up mammogram this month, I decided to do that first. I have an appt on the 24th with family DR about that.

I started crying on phone with family DR receptionist and said he'd better get this sorted or I'll be forced to lodge a complaint.

I cannot believe this.

And people wonder why I don't trust DRs. And why it's so hard for me to deal with people. And why I get so defeated and hopeless

Well, how would you feel?

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Sunday, 1 September 2013

Went to the Psychic Fair on Friday

So my Mom, sister and I went to the local psychic fair on Friday. I haven't been in years.

We walked through to get a feel for the people but only felt energy from a few of them.

And we stopped and spoke to this guy: (I'm not sure if the image my sis BBM'd me will attach for sure or not)

He reads hair.

Yep, hair.

Mom had a full reading and he completely nailed her bang-on re: her personality.

Independent, conflicts with her mother - especially when younger, has to do things herself so they are done right, is more like her father in personality etc... And mentioned asthma being in our family genealogy & said that although she is mothering to us, my sister and I both gave the feeling of having 2nd mothers.

My sister had a mini-reading and he pegged her too: all-or-nothing thinking, topics that are close to her heart and very much on her mind, spoke about her having a 2nd mother figure when she was young & said it was Mom's grandma (true) etc... Also warned her about heart murmur from her father's side of the family - I think she'll have to check on that one.

He offered me a really mini-reading since the 3 of us were together and I was low on $

He said that I have a lot of anxiety, that I put a lot of effort into making it seem like I am OK on the outside though I am not and that I am not social like my sister, I tend to be lonely.
He said I just want my partner to take care of me & say , "I've got a good job so you just stay home and do what you want to."

He said I worry about work a lot but that I just want to be at home and enjoy what I am doing (we inferred this to be genealogy but he didn't specify).

He noted a number of pregnancies for me. It was correct only if we don't include miscarriage.

He also mentioned gestational diabetes. But I did not have that.
So he didn't seem as correct with me as with my Mom and sister but he also said there was a lot going on with me.

All-in-all, I'd recommend him

It was interesting

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Saturday, 24 August 2013

Sometimes a lil peace makes the everyday seem harder

Let me preface this by saying I had a wonderful time in Fergus for the Scottish festival (or Highland games or whatever is the current correct name) when I attended a couple of weekends ago.

It was probably the MOST relaxed I have felt in -- well, honestly I couldn't then and still can't quite recall when I last felt that good.

The weather was beautiful. And so were some of the kilted men, I must say! ;)

But at one point I was standing at our campsite. The sun was dancing through the leaves and trees of "the thieves forest" and a slight breeze was quietly weaving its way through the camp as the pipers were piping and in that moment I felt uplifted.

I felt at peace.

I felt free.

The energy of the event as a whole and of my companions in particular was positive and welcoming.

When it was time to return home, I was loathe to leave.

Hubs and the children arrived and I asked if everyone could relax and be quiet during the ride home so I could hold the feeling as long as possible.

Well, being in a car with 3 kids aged 3 - 13 - as you can imagine - it didn't work out so well.

Since I've been home I've felt worse than before I went.

It could be that I'm really starting to process Grandpa's death. That finality has been hitting me.

But it feels like it's more than that.

Sometimes I feel like it's mania but there's so much anger in it - it's not even "enjoyable" mania if you know what I mean.

Plus I only get hypomanic.

I just don't know what THIS is.

There is an upside though... I now have a real version of a "happy place". I just need to work on my visualization skills for self-soothing and comfort.

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Thursday, 22 August 2013

Had a meltdown after a relatively good day - wtf?!

So yesterday was a pretty good day. Had fun with the kids. Swam. Relaxed. Even had conversation with other adults. And yet, despite all that I was seized by a black mood so I informed my household I needed my space - holed up in the bedroom and had a hell of a cry.

I felt so overwhelmed and out of control at that point that I feared that it was it. The time I would finally have to give in and go to the hospital.

After maybe 2 hours I started to feel more in control again but I don't know what set me off and I still feel like some has loosely wrapped me in cellophane paper - the world doesn't look quite right and it's hard to breathe...

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Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Just realized one of my posts never went through

My Grandpa died on June 20th.

I had written a post about it. About how I was feeling but I noticed now that it isn't here.

It's really hard for me to tell right now how much of my depression is related to grief vs my "usual" low mood.

Am tossing around the idea of calling the grief counselling service offered through the funeral home but I am afraid that I might be too " whatever" for them to understand.

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Sometimes I think parenthood will be the death of me

Sad but true. The brightest parts of my life are my kids... I love them. At the same time - the temper tantrums of my oldest, I really think they will do me in.

Tonight it was over TWO HOURS of my 11-year-old freaking out because he wanted mini-doughnuts about an hour or more after he went to bed.

He came down, said he couldn't sleep and then saw the mini-doughnuts (he'd had some earlier in the day) and he demanded doughnuts.

I said no, it was well past his bedtime and he'd already brushed his teeth.

I said he could have some tomorrow and he needed to go back to bed.

Instead he immediately went into full-on tantrum mode.

Hubs and I were called "stupid", "idiot" "the worst parents ever", we were told that we "suck" and that he "hate[d]" us.

So we threw the mini-doughnuts in the garbage.

And still it went on.

Till after midnight - he kept coming back out of his room, yelling and screaming.

It's like he can't stop.

And I've read that some people with ADHD start arguments and escalate them because it does something for their brain chemistry.

I seriously wonder if my 11-year-old had ADHD as well as his ASD.
It's a tough combo. A family where everyone (except my youngest) has some diagnosis which relates to cognitive behaviour and emotional regulation.

After we finally got my 11-year-old settled down - we had a cuddle and a talk.

Here's an exact quote, "...but Mom, I just get too angry to think and I can't stop."

It feels like nothing works.

We are yellers - but we (Hubs and I) hate it.

We've tried anger time-out cards - but that didn't work.

We've tried traditional time outs.

We've tried whispering (the idea was to make the kids stop tantruming and get quieter so they could hear us).

We've tried revoking privledges.

We've tried saying "we are not talking until you settle down" and then ignoring (that time I got spit on).

We've tried walking away (and he's followed and then attached himself to my legs).

I've even locked MYSELF in my room and said I needed a time out from the situation and he sat and repeatedly kicked the door and yelled through at me. He didn't stop that time until *I* started bawling (this was last year).

I am at a loss here.

And I need to have a good cry.

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Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Tv talk - Switched at Birth

Spoilers for those who did not see last night's episode...

Last chance to avoid a major spoiler...

Re: John's heart attack at the end of the ep w/ Regina doing CPR after calling 911

(Cross-posted from the twop forums)

So am I the only one hoping that John dies?

A parental death can impact all areas of the kids lives: maybe Toby would postpone the wedding to be there for his Mom. It could draw Bay back to her Kennish side and also bring her and Daphne closer while giving Regina and Angelo the challenge of being there for the girls without over-stepping.

Kathryn could inherit or be waived into John's senatorial seat and maybe choose to become an Independent representative to get away from creepy dude.

Regina could feel redeemed by resucitating John so he could say goodbye to Kathryn but then he could die en route to hospital w/ Kathryn at his side and his last words showing his love of his family.

Bay could bond w/ Regina by confessing her feelings of guilt from their last conversation and bond w/ Mary Beth over how it feels to have someone that close to you die.

Then Ty could go away because he couldn't handle it emotionally and Emmett could come back into the picture as an emotional support for both girls.

Seeing them lose their father could help Emmett see how foolish he is being about his own father & he could apologize and encourage his dad to get the implant

We'd also have a storyline for Travis as Kathryn could reveal that John was truly considering him for the car wash management position and we could see he and Toby operating the business - both head of what they are best at. Toby at finances and advertising and dealing w/ problematic people.

Travis with hands on work and direct management of staff.

And it can help Angelo for when his daughter is found, he can speak the years John lost w/ Daphne and you have a tearjerker for the judge re: him not wanting the same w/ his youngest daughter.

--- additional thoughts

It opens Kathryn to new relationships (hopefully not too soon).

Adrianna could help around the house and feel connected and be a loving mother figure to Kathryn and give Regina a taste of jealousy - enabling her to parent both girls w/ new insight.

Oh and w/ Kathryn going independent - she could change her view on the proposed bill and support birth control, inadvertently causing an additional rift between Toby and Nikki, while gaining respect from Bay and Daphne.

(Sometimes it's just easier to focus on distractions like TV than to talk about real things)

Real life stuff...

Grandpa's funeral was exactly a week ago.

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Sunday, 16 June 2013

The Final Countdown

I am sitting outside, with the blue sky above me and the sun's rays beating down on my skin.

The grass is soft, the breeze is light and my heart is heavy.

My grandpa is in his 88th year... He went into hospital on the Sunday of Victoria Day wkend.

Since then, on top of his diabetes & original kidney issues, a fist-sized tumour was discovered in his liver, plus a blockage of one kidney.

Then he was no longer able to eat well-blended, soft purees without Gravol.

And then even that stopped due to an undefined throat and escoughagus issue.

He wanted no more interventions, no more tests, no anything

So he was moved (after some DR drama) to palliative care.

I've been here every day.

He's been basically non-responsive since a scary seizure he had yesterday when almost all of our family was present.

Yesterday, before the seizure, Grandpa was asking over and over to see Grandma. He said he wanted to see her again before he died and that it would be too late -- that he wasn't going to get to see her.

Well, he did see her and acknowledge her before the seizure.

Yesterday he saw Mom, myself, my sister & her father, our uncle, aunt, 2 cousins (and 1 cousin's long-time gf) and our Grandma.

Today he saw Mom, my step-dad, myself, my aunt & uncle -- my sister is coming up in a bit.

I had to come outside because Grandpa made it very clear that he wants to die alone. He wants his parents (whose spirits he's said he's been seeing earlier in the wk) to come for him and that he doesn't want any of us to be there when he goes.

On Friday he told me, "I love you too much to go."

So I am taking this opportunity - waiting for Hubs to pick me up - to give him some privacy in case now is the time.

But he was always such a sun-lover, I would not be at all surprised if he went at sunset or tomorrow's sunrise.

All I want is for him to go in peace.

Just fall asleep and cross over.

Is that too much to ask?

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Friday, 14 June 2013

This message is brought to you by
I feel the need to blog but it's hard to decide what to say. Today my Grandpa told me that he loved me too much to go... I told him that it's OK to go. That when his parents come for him that the love I have for him stays with him so it's OK... No matter how old someone is - death is incredibly hard to deal with
This message is brought to you by
When a loved one is dying...

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

What is there to say?

It's like I always have so many emotions and feelings churning around inside of me that it's hard to know exactly how I feel in any given moment because I'm almost always in turmoil.

I swear the meds just make everything worse.

It turns out that my family DR's office didn't properly fill out the paperwork for my new psych referral back in March and, apparently, also faxed it to the wrong phone number.

After numerous phone calls from me yesterday - they did fax to the correct number but it was the wrong form and they were supposed to do the correct form (I hope) today.

The wait time is 2-3 months. So I am hoping that the referral is able to be back-dated to the original (but screwed up by my family DR's office) referral.

Also having a crampy, bitchy time dealing with perimenopause... Having my first cycle since March 8th is doing nothing positive for my mood, lemme tell you.

I have some appts tomorrow - I'm hoping they go well and I have an important medical one on Thursday morning that I am really anxious about.

When it comes to the Ontario medical and mental health system - I really feel that people are at the mercy of the doctors and specialists that we go to consult and we have enough stressful situations that have made us or left us feeling powerless in our lives...

I find it appalling that in an area so vital and personal that we are treated like second class citizens.
And it's not just those of us with mental health issues, it's everyone. Though it can be a lot harder to deal with for someone with mental health issues, or children with behavioural issues and/or sensory issues etc...

Let's face it - being stuck with a DR because you have one - even if you aren't happy with them -- SUCKS!

And not being able to GET a DR, when you need someone to be familiar with your file and history -- SUCKS!

And dealing with the related stress of situations like this -- SUCKS!

You get the picture.

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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

She's alive

On Saturday night I was really down - sometimes when that happens (well I'm actually prone to this at any time) I burst into impromptu song which I made up as I went along...

The chorus being, "I hate my fucking life, could end it with a knife, escaping with a slice or three... But then my kids would hurt, while I rot in the dirt, missing out on their own progeny..."

So I do actually find it helpful - even if it may appear "crazy."

CBT is over. I thought it was one of the best groups I've done.

I feel a bit vulnerable and adrift right now though.


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Tuesday, 2 April 2013

It's difficult to post this...

I'm copying this from my CBT journal.

On March 26th, we discussed styles of distorted thinking and faulty assumptions.

These were the following statements we were asked to examine and reflect on:

#1 everything I do must be absolutely perfect; otherwise I am a failure

#2 I must always be at peak efficiency and performance

#3 Life is fair

#4 If others disagree with me, then I must be wrong

#5 I am only worthwhile as long as I am doing something for someone else

#6 The way to be accepted and appreciated by others is to give and give

#7 Anger is bad

#8 Being healthy will mean not having strong emotions

#9 I have to do everything I am asked to do

#10 I have the power to change people

#11 Good relationships have no relationships

#12 It is unbearable when life is not the way I would like it to be

#13 It is easier to avoid life's problems than to face them

#14 I need someone stronger or more powerful than myself to rely on

#15 I need other people to be supportive of me

The 1st one I identified with was #2. It applies to me in the realm of weight, mood, personal care and household upkeep.

Nothing I do is or seems to be or feels "good enough" because I can compare it to something I was or looked or did BEFORE (in my past) which, at that time, wasn't good enough but is now an unattainable "ideal" because of how far I have fallen.

Writing it like this -- it sounds like perfectionism and yet I have never tried to be perfect and I am one of the furthest people from perfection.

So I think I've just confused myself somewhat...

I can say that the farthest back that I can relate it to my life was to being compared to my older siblings by our mother and a few of my teachers.

Next #3. I must say that I get enraged at every instance where I am, once again, shown that life is not fair. My core belief is that all things should be fair and equal and I think, ironically, that it comes from the fact that being abused in my childhood by a neighbourhood bully and even though the school, my parents and his parents knew about the physical aspect of it -- no one stopped it and it continued for YEARS!

That clearly showed me that life was NOT fair and so it is a huge anger trigger for me.

#5 resonates with me in a few ways. Partly because a mother is supposed to be a martyr (learned at home) and partly because my emotional needs were ignored a LOT in my life and I don't want anyone I care about to feel that way.

#6 is very much the siamese twin of #5 in a multitude of ways with the added bonus of my adoption and abandonment issues thrown in. [Paragraphs not included] I am an adoptee who grew up in a household that was emotionally detached in so many ways.

Add to that the fact that both my adoptive parents died before I was 35.

[Paragraphs not included]... I claim some ownership in that one, but it still hurts.

#7 I struggle to express my anger in a healthy way and to teach my children how to do so as well which segueways right into

#8 I have been chastised and/or mocked for being "overly emotional" aka "too sensitive."

It is an on-going struggle to this date. It arises in all areas of my life but the only other thing I've learned to do is to squelch my emotions and feelings so it's like I can either choose to explode or eventually implode with the strength of whatever I am experiencing but not expressing.

It is scary and embarrassing and it's just as if my inner self has been transported so that when these overloads occur -- it is not a 40+ woman feeling this way at all.

It's a young girl, a child, my inner child, reacting to the feeling of being victimized, or controlled, or being under someone's thumb.

[Paragraph not included]

When I get emotionally overwhelmed like that I "time travel" and am not emotionally equipped, in that moment, to express myself in a way that feels safe so I react in two ways re: fight or flight -- I get aggressive or I acquiesce.

It has even happened with a mental health professional. I tried to avoid those two responses by communicating in the form of a letter because my feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger and depression lasted for weeks.

I ended up being literally chastised and then punished for it. The punishment being the assessment written about me by the so-called professional which was completed after that and after I terminated his services.

Stupidly I had trusted him to remain professional when I revealed my deeper emotional self rather than my protective intellectual self.

#9 I do feel that I am slowly but surely making progress with this one - though I am certainly the tortoise if this one is a race. I do find myself feeling guilty if I say "no" and I have a real struggle with creating natural and sustainable boundaries.

#10 Can fees into the martyr concept as well in a roundabout manner making me feel as if, "If I can change so-and-so, then I can change myself!"

#12 The big one that falls under (into?) this assumption for me ios the following -- "If our home was perfectly clean and orderly then everything would feel better; I'd have more hope!"

I cannot explain WHY this one is - it just is! Maybe it relates to my late parents being on their way to being hoarders? (Not messy or dirty - just a whole lotta junk)

My maternal grandparents are the same way.

#13 sometimes I do lose myself so far into the depression and the hopelessness of it all that I do avoid things. And not just the problems but anything and everything I can avoid or ignore or put off -- I will do that.

Taxes, other important paperwork are actually some of the toughest things for me to get done.

#14 I have actually always seen myself AS the strong person for others to rely on whoch is why it's so hard to accept where I am now...

#15 this is true but I still don't really understand why this one is a bad assumption??

If anyone actually made it through that, have you got any thoughts on it?
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Sunday, 24 March 2013

It was a good day...

It was a day of family and celebration.

My youngest turned 3 so we had family over (for various reasons the friends we'd asked to drop in couldn't make it).

But I felt OK today. Even happy in moments.

The brightest joys in my life are my children.

And today, was a day where I thoroughly enjoyed them.

It's nice to say that I had a good day.
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Wednesday, 20 March 2013

On my mind

We were discussing our personal "bill of rights" in CBT group on Tuesday.

There were a number of things on it that I find challenging and; therefore, I find emotionally upsetting.

I am an expert at being emotionally separated from myself. Deliberately distant. It has been one of the prime ways that I have protected myself throughout my life.

It is probably how I kept myself going for as long as I did.

I do not know how to stand up for myself in a socially-acceptable way.

I am scared of men in "power positions" (especially medical professionals) and it makes me angry because I feel that's a large part of why I am still struggling now.

I am instantly transported to feeling powerless and controlled and it activates my fight or flight to the extreme.

I talked about it a bit on Tuesday and I ended up crying.

I HATE crying in public.

I apologized and I got hold of myself fairly quickly, probably within 5 minutes, but I felt embarrassed.

I don't cry in public.

Intellectually, I know how to connect most of my issues to specific events in my past and the groups I've been participating in have been helping me start to re-connect to MYSELF emotionally.

The scariest part of that is the fact that this means I end up having these spontaneous emotional reactions about my own life and feelings.

I'm used to spontaneous things when it comes to laughter, anger and fear but sorrow or grief about the things that happened to me - that's the sort of thing I've always tried to control...

I feel like I'm being helped - even though things are getting scarier because things are more real and connected than they have been in awhile...
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Monday, 18 March 2013

Frustrated by "the system"

I can't claim to know how it works anywhere else but the medical system in Ontario has it's benefits and it's deficits.

Major deficit: shortage of medical professionals

Last year I had a *massive* falling out w/ my psychiatrist after he and I had discussed something, and I was told we'd have our next regular appt and then I should make a specific appt to discuss the specific request.

At the end of my next appt, I asked for the specific appt and was blown off. I was told we'd never discussed any such thing, that he felt my family was taking advantage of me etc...

I left, went to my car and then texted a couple of friends while I flipped out.

I finally calmed down enough to leave but it sent me into a spiral.

It triggered a horrible downer. I barely left the house. I slept more hours than I was awake and I was livid and hurt.

I finally decided to write him a letter.

I had my husband deliver it.

When I went to my next appt -- it was ridiculous... He was accusatory, he spoke down to me, it was very much male in power holding that power over a female.
I felt victimized and abused.

He showed me his "notes" from my previous sessions with him. They were all of a few sentences.
A few sentences from 45 minute sessions.

He had to "prove" he was right.

I was in such a victimized position that I felt the only way to escape the situation was for me to apologize to him.

I asked if it would "adversely affect our dr patient relationship" and he sighed, paused and then replied "just give me some time to forget about all this."

I made a follow-up appointment, with plans to cancel it (I left a msg on the answering machine to cancel it) and then he also called me to cancel it, apparently he hadn't gotten the message (said he had a funeral).

Then I contacted my family DR (who I also have never been overly keen on) to say I needed to find a new psych.

This month I went in and I asked my family DR to see exactly what previous psych wrote in my assessment.

#1 - I was told that I could not view my assessment without the DR in the room

#2 - when DR was in the room, he glanced in my file, said the psych didn't say good things about me, that based on it my DR wouldn't assist me in applying for ODSP

I asked what was said - DR told me a certain disorder that the psych had NEVER said to me in all previous sessions...

According to the date family DR told me was on it; Psych did the assessment AFTER the falling out and after I stopped seeing him!

I did state to family DR that I was told I was bipolar, he glanced in my file again and told me, "he does mention that."

And yet my DR has the power to keep me from the assistance I could gain from ODSP.

DRs have too much power. They are supposed to work for their patients but with the shortages in Ontario, we patients end up getting screwed.

In a situation like this, I have no recourse - no alternatives.

I am on a waiting list for another psychiatrist but that doesn't help me with my family DR who I've had send me for psych referrals before and to a psychologist when I had coverage etc over the years.

Some DRs are not a "good fit" for a patient but we patients have to "take what we can get" and it sucks.

There's my vent!
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Thursday, 7 March 2013

In emerg - not for the reason you think!

Ok so I cannot guarantee how much sense this post will make as I am on an IV, getting fluids, an anti-nauseaunt and I was given a shot of morphine or something through a port in the IV at some point before I thought to alleviate some of my boredom and work on a blog post (to be sent later).

I have turned off my BB settings because I have no signal at all here and I don't want to drain my battery.

I am concerned the painkiller might be making me slightly high because I find myself wondering if I can be half high.

You see, my left side is feeling much improved and I am no longer hunched over in pain. But I feeling body buzzed on my right side. Specifically the right side of my face of all places.

Hence -- half high...

It took 3 tries and 2 nurses before they could IV me. Even though I did warn them about my traitorous veins (*shakes fist at my Grandma, who I inherited them from).

They also have me sipping a big ass glass of ice water so they can send me for an ultrasound.

I keep picturing the WB dancing frog popping out (what spoof movie was that from?)

"Hello my baby, hello my honey..."

But seriously, ladies, this just goes to show you that you can NEVER rejoice about the days of bladder-filling for ultrasounds being over -- even if you *are* done having children.

So I think CBT is great so far. We did vision boards this wk and I found it fascinating that everyones was done in a different "style."

I'm well-aquainted with the idea but I always thought it was silly because I thought everyone's would be done the same way -- that there would be a uniformity to them or a sens e of conformity even and yet, we looked at them all today (I only stayed for part of group because I came here) -- they were all unique.

We all had the very same source materials, and the same instructions and we did them at the same time.

But they were all so very differnt and I actually found it relaxing once I started to really think about what I wanyed to put on mine.

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Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Cbt begins tomorrow

So I've been in serious hiding... Mood has been down, down, down.

And my thing is that I just don't want to have proof of how shitty I feel.

It's why I stopped writing in my diaries by hand, why I abandoned my livejournals, why I create and then hide or delete my blogs.

I *want* somewhere to express my self but it doesn't feel safe.

And then there is the fact that it is proof of my misery.

Maybe that's why I stopped writing poetry too - because my best poems came from my pain and when I am no longer here - what do I want people to remember about me?

That I was fucked up and miserable and mentally ill or would I rather have them remember me making them smile, or listening to them or whatever?

You know I deliberately make sure I look happy in pictures that I post.

Because that's what I want the world to see.

I don't want people to judge me as a welfare/headcase failure.

Or I don't want to judge myself through the eyes of the world that way.

Maybe that's what it is - that I still see myself through the eyes of strangers because those who know me and love me would be too kind, too forgiving.

Then again - it could all just be this fucking poisonous parrot inside my head.

Yes, I need to ignore it, or teach it to be kinder but those nasty birds are far-longer lived than many of the rest of us.

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Saturday, 19 January 2013

It's really hard to write

I often think of things to write and then I choose not to because I feel repetitive. Caught in the endless hamster wheel, running and running while getting nowhere and becoming more exhausted.

Burning out while simply going through the motions of existing.

I am tired and sad and angry and depressed at the same time. In the same breath at times.

Tears well in my eyes, unexpectedly.

My head pounds. My anxiety is high again.

I had a panic attack that was triggered by seeing a shovel at Walmart the other day. What the fuck was that about?!?!?!?!!!!???

I don't know what else to say.

The groups make sense and what I am learning there seems to help temporarily but so much of what is happening to me these days is just VISCERAL.

What can I do for that?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network