Breakthrough, breakdown or just another day in my effing brain??

Middle of the night last night had my mind whirling out of control.

Was feeling so hopeless and powerless that I started to examine in my head exactly why I DON'T kill myself.

Suicidal ideation is like my shadow - sometimes it gets worse and I freak out but generally, it doesn't usually phase me.

But last night I was going over in my head all the times in the past where I've been at that point.

Bottom line is that I always decide to hang on because of the people I love.

Which is good, because it *does* keep me here BUT why is it - why is it that it never occurs to me or feels like I need to stick around for myself???

So I don't know how to describe the state I'm in. I get like this sometimes - it's like joy and happiness are behind an unbreakable glass wall - I can see it, I can sort of fake it but it's beyond me right now.

And it was the further thinking (which I am NOT comfortable writing about - no point in giving the universe ideas) that made me finally fire my family DR today - because part of the reason I feel hopeless and powerless is because he doesn't listen to me and doesn't respect me.

I've been unhappy being his patient since early 2006 but my fear of change kept me sticking with him.

Isn't that one of the definitions of crazy - doing the same thing and expecting a different result??

His office never phoned back today...

Of course I am immediately thinking it's because he's shredding my mental health assessments while laughing diabolically.

Or he was too busy popping champagne because he's been covertly trying to get me to remove myself as his patient for years and I was too naïve to realize it...

But I don't need the extra burden of negativity that being his patient and being at loggerheads with him brought upon me.


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network