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Saturday, 24 August 2013

Sometimes a lil peace makes the everyday seem harder

Let me preface this by saying I had a wonderful time in Fergus for the Scottish festival (or Highland games or whatever is the current correct name) when I attended a couple of weekends ago.

It was probably the MOST relaxed I have felt in -- well, honestly I couldn't then and still can't quite recall when I last felt that good.

The weather was beautiful. And so were some of the kilted men, I must say! ;)

But at one point I was standing at our campsite. The sun was dancing through the leaves and trees of "the thieves forest" and a slight breeze was quietly weaving its way through the camp as the pipers were piping and in that moment I felt uplifted.

I felt at peace.

I felt free.

The energy of the event as a whole and of my companions in particular was positive and welcoming.

When it was time to return home, I was loathe to leave.

Hubs and the children arrived and I asked if everyone could relax and be quiet during the ride home so I could hold the feeling as long as possible.

Well, being in a car with 3 kids aged 3 - 13 - as you can imagine - it didn't work out so well.

Since I've been home I've felt worse than before I went.

It could be that I'm really starting to process Grandpa's death. That finality has been hitting me.

But it feels like it's more than that.

Sometimes I feel like it's mania but there's so much anger in it - it's not even "enjoyable" mania if you know what I mean.

Plus I only get hypomanic.

I just don't know what THIS is.

There is an upside though... I now have a real version of a "happy place". I just need to work on my visualization skills for self-soothing and comfort.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Had a meltdown after a relatively good day - wtf?!

So yesterday was a pretty good day. Had fun with the kids. Swam. Relaxed. Even had conversation with other adults. And yet, despite all that I was seized by a black mood so I informed my household I needed my space - holed up in the bedroom and had a hell of a cry.

I felt so overwhelmed and out of control at that point that I feared that it was it. The time I would finally have to give in and go to the hospital.

After maybe 2 hours I started to feel more in control again but I don't know what set me off and I still feel like some has loosely wrapped me in cellophane paper - the world doesn't look quite right and it's hard to breathe...

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network