Let me preface this by saying I had a wonderful time in Fergus for the Scottish festival (or Highland games or whatever is the current correct name) when I attended a couple of weekends ago.
It was probably the MOST relaxed I have felt in -- well, honestly I couldn't then and still can't quite recall when I last felt that good.
The weather was beautiful. And so were some of the kilted men, I must say! ;)
But at one point I was standing at our campsite. The sun was dancing through the leaves and trees of "the thieves forest" and a slight breeze was quietly weaving its way through the camp as the pipers were piping and in that moment I felt uplifted.
I felt at peace.
I felt free.
The energy of the event as a whole and of my companions in particular was positive and welcoming.
When it was time to return home, I was loathe to leave.
Hubs and the children arrived and I asked if everyone could relax and be quiet during the ride home so I could hold the feeling as long as possible.
Well, being in a car with 3 kids aged 3 - 13 - as you can imagine - it didn't work out so well.
Since I've been home I've felt worse than before I went.
It could be that I'm really starting to process Grandpa's death. That finality has been hitting me.
But it feels like it's more than that.
Sometimes I feel like it's mania but there's so much anger in it - it's not even "enjoyable" mania if you know what I mean.
Plus I only get hypomanic.
I just don't know what THIS is.
There is an upside though... I now have a real version of a "happy place". I just need to work on my visualization skills for self-soothing and comfort.
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As a bipolar, to another: place your family up for adoption. Mental illness is tough; we require quiet times to meditate and do mindfulness exercises; to do yoga, to draw and garden. To use the frontal lobes in a healthy way, so that our neuroplasticity takes hold and fixes the circuitry and neurotransmitters. Don't breed.
ReplyDeleteShould I guess that you do not have children?
DeleteAs you can clearly see if you read the post completely, I do have children.
Children that I love. And as challenging as it is to be someone struggling with bipolar disorder as well as my other diagnoses, it's even harder when I worry how it might impact them.
So while I do agree we need quiet time/ down time - your "don't breed" and "place your family up for adoption" statements were rude and ridiculous.