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Friday, 31 January 2014

How Hubs and I stay together... (A theory)

It can be challenging to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness.

If both partners have a mental illness, the challenge multiples.

Then if there are other stress factors, it multiples exponentially.

So, frankly, sometimes I wonder how it is that Hubs and I are still together.

Here's my theory on why:

1 - We love each other. It may sound trite, but it's true.

Whereas my 1st marriage was based on a false sense of love - Hubs v1.0 misrepresented himself, and his life goals in most ways & I was suckered.

Hubs v1.0 and I are compatible as friends but intrinsically incompatible due to strong moral differences.

2 - We're honest with each other. If we're pissed off, we tell each other.

It may not be expressed calmly (or even coherently depending on the base mental state we started off the day in), but it helps that we don't have layers upon layers of resentment.

3 - We laugh together.

We have a similar sense of humour, a deep appreciation for sarcasm, and also like a lot of the same things in general.

When he first moved in with me - we discovered that we both owned the same live-action 80s Hulk DVD - it was of a couple of TV movies, Trial of the Incredible Hulk (w/ Daredevil) & The Incredible Hulk Returns.

Seemed quite a coincidence.

We have some overlap in musical likes, far more overlap in TV and movie appreciation, and enjoy some of the same books.

4 - We share similar beliefs.

In our first conversation I asked him for his opinions of and stances on religion, abortion, politics and the death penalty.

We also were raised in a similar manner in some ways.

5 - TMI warning... The sex is fantastic! And when I'm not in the mood, I still get some quality cuddling.

6 - We work on our individual issues. Some may be cyclical - but we do acknowledge and try various ways to deal with them.

7 - We are a team. A unified front with our kids and to the world.


Sorry, too tired to write more.

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Tuesday, 28 January 2014

What my mental illness looks like

So many of us have similar struggles but, sometimes, I still feel alone and adrift in "The Land of Overwhelming Hopelessness."

I have a hard time doing things like leaving the house, answering the phone, taking care of myself.

The immediate nature of person-to-person interaction puts me into a panic.

Will they be judging me? Will I have something relevant and logical to say?

Will I be told or experience something that will "set me off?"

I can get emotional in an instant. Tearing up and/or feeling overwhelmed.

Anger is also very close to the surface.

I have gone days without showering or even changing out of my PJs.

At other times, I start making plans, moving furniture, making a bigger mess than usual because I'm going to *finally* organize SOMETHING!

Sometimes I accomplish one of those things over a 4 - 6 (usually) day period when I feel UP.

I am also prone to making medical appts for the family during these times - even if the appts are for later - it's always hard for me to make appts or follow up on things.

I have nightmares. A lot.

I feel like I am being squeezed, under constant stress. And that the world is out to get me.

One day I may manage to do a number of loads of laundry but putting the clean clothes away gets me all worked up so the closet is always a disaster zone of baskets and laundry strewn everywhere.

I start to implement habits - better kitchen clean-up (for example) and it will work for awhile - 3 wks to a month but then I'll have a bad day or Hubs will and then it's right back to disasterville.

I feel like I can't control or manage anything and the worse I feel, the harder it gets until I'm almost surprised I am still breathing.

Last night I was in tears for no reason that I could discern.

Still feeling sad and empty today.

Part of me realizes that I need something for myself - so, although I am afraid, I have a meeting tomorrow about a "Positive Steps" group.

I *think* it will be similar to some of what I did during the out-patient program at the hospital awhile bacK.

Don't know how they assess me though.

When I have to - I can throw all my energy into seeming OK for an hour or two (though I need time to recuperate afterwards because it's exhausting).

Though a friend pointed out that I came across as really wound up when I thought I was seeming "normal" so maybe I don't come across as "OK" as I think I do in those circumstances??

And now I've totally lost where else I was going with this so... bye.
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Saturday, 25 January 2014

Something beautiful

Saw this on FB - breath-taking!

It's called a murmuration.

Now - after marvelling at the wonders of nature for a moment, here's an update.

The DR did my referral (my appt is in March) - so I have to just hold on till then.

Despite not wanting to get my hopes up, I felt hopeful today - I even took the kids to play outside in the snow for the first time this winter (in that I went out and participated too).

Right now, there's this feeling of quiet desperation within me, clutching at the tattered edges of my soul.

Please let the psych be the one who really helps me with medication to regulate my moods & with paperwork so I can apply for odsp (and cpp - I think you have to apply for both)...


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Friday, 24 January 2014

Feeling nervous today

So my brother-in-law is picking me up to drive me to Dream Crest Clinic in Mississauga today.

Have to see a DR today for a referral to the psych (that appt is already scheduled).

Will these be the medical professionals who will actually help me?

Get me on some meds that work?
Fill out paperwork that I need for ODSP and taxes?

Something that will give me hope?

*crosses fingers*

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Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Hysterical laughter

Ever have these moments?

I had one last week while watching American Idol. The whole episode, Harry Connick Jr was cracking me up.

Well then came Munfaird's audition

Now there was a whole lead-up in the beginning that's not in the clip but I was laughing so card that I was crying.

I managed to settle myself down but when I went to bed - I cracked myself up.

This will sound ridiculous but I'll tell you...

Hubs wanted me to spoon him (usually I get spooned) and he was pulling on my arms.

I said, "I can't move them any more, remember my arms are short, I'm like a T-Rex."

Hubs replied, "Why do they have arms? It's not like they're long enough to do much."

I said, "Yeah, not long enough to pick a nostril or play with himself. I guess all he can do is play with his dinosaur nipples."

Hubs pointed out that dinosaurs don't have nipples.

I said, "Maybe this T-Rex does because he's the epitome of a gay dinosaur stereotype. Rare as they may be."

By this point, I was laughing so hard that I could barely breathe and the tears were streaming down my face and my chest was burning.

I continued, "He's wearing a beret and a neckerchief and a striped shirt unbuttoned to he can tweak his nipples and has a moustache that curls."

I was laughing and crying so hard that I was wavering on the edge. The edge I've seen in the past on occasions where I was particularly high or extremely drunk.

Where hysterical laughter leads me to uncontrollable tears and then soul-wrenching sobs.

Until I all I feel is waves and waves of pain.

There are no words. Only tears and choking and the feeling I'm going to die from it all.

Until I purge enough of the emotion to be able to gain control of myself and my body again.

The laughter is such a high until I get to that edge and the fear seeps in as the scales tip and it's all pain.

That part terrifies me because one day - I think it could be the end of me.

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Monday, 13 January 2014

ABA group for my son

Well today is the first day. It's just my son and another boy the same age.

They seem alike. Both are here for the same reasons, they appear to be at the same level of functioning and are both very into video games in general and Minecraft in particular.

I'm having one of those moments where I feel guilty because of the genetic link between bipolar disorder and autism.

On the way here, he said that he'd rather have bipolar disorder like me rather than high-functioning autism.

I said that I wouldn't have wished any of it on him.

He said he gets really angry and he thinks it's his autism.

I said I didn't know but that I understand getting really angry and it's not fun for the person who is angry or the people around them.

Trying to resist worrying that he'll end up with bipolar disorder too...

His pediatrician is aware of my diagnoses (bpd 2, adhd etc) so I hope he's watching for signs.

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Monday, 6 January 2014

Nothing to say

Still frustrated and angry and feeling so hopeless over all.

No word yet from the new medical clinic I'm wait-listed as a patient for...

That being said, the Christmas holidays were pretty good over all.

Other than having to watch Sophia the First's "Floating Palace" episode more times than I kept track of.

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