What my mental illness looks like

So many of us have similar struggles but, sometimes, I still feel alone and adrift in "The Land of Overwhelming Hopelessness."

I have a hard time doing things like leaving the house, answering the phone, taking care of myself.

The immediate nature of person-to-person interaction puts me into a panic.

Will they be judging me? Will I have something relevant and logical to say?

Will I be told or experience something that will "set me off?"

I can get emotional in an instant. Tearing up and/or feeling overwhelmed.

Anger is also very close to the surface.

I have gone days without showering or even changing out of my PJs.

At other times, I start making plans, moving furniture, making a bigger mess than usual because I'm going to *finally* organize SOMETHING!

Sometimes I accomplish one of those things over a 4 - 6 (usually) day period when I feel UP.

I am also prone to making medical appts for the family during these times - even if the appts are for later - it's always hard for me to make appts or follow up on things.

I have nightmares. A lot.

I feel like I am being squeezed, under constant stress. And that the world is out to get me.

One day I may manage to do a number of loads of laundry but putting the clean clothes away gets me all worked up so the closet is always a disaster zone of baskets and laundry strewn everywhere.

I start to implement habits - better kitchen clean-up (for example) and it will work for awhile - 3 wks to a month but then I'll have a bad day or Hubs will and then it's right back to disasterville.

I feel like I can't control or manage anything and the worse I feel, the harder it gets until I'm almost surprised I am still breathing.

Last night I was in tears for no reason that I could discern.

Still feeling sad and empty today.

Part of me realizes that I need something for myself - so, although I am afraid, I have a meeting tomorrow about a "Positive Steps" group.

I *think* it will be similar to some of what I did during the out-patient program at the hospital awhile bacK.

Don't know how they assess me though.

When I have to - I can throw all my energy into seeming OK for an hour or two (though I need time to recuperate afterwards because it's exhausting).

Though a friend pointed out that I came across as really wound up when I thought I was seeming "normal" so maybe I don't come across as "OK" as I think I do in those circumstances??

And now I've totally lost where else I was going with this so... bye.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network