By this point in my life, I hadn't been doing much hand-written journalling like I had when I was younger.
I was more into livejournal.com at that point in time.
But on occasion I did sometimes physically write down my thoughts and feelings.
Here are some things that still apply to me NOW...
After a therapy session:
"...my big takeaway was her point that emotions/feelings aren't rational so that spending time trying to rationalize one's feelings is like running in a hamster wheel. Feelings just are.
"I need to exist now. Not in my past, not in the future."
*this is still a major challenge for me!!
"I've told friends before I learned to not experience emotions at my mother's knee... I wasn't kidding."
"She gave me some grief over my therapy appt, reminding me that when things bother you, you're supposed to throw them over your shoulder and not look back."
"What are the strong emotions I think I experience the most? Fear, anger, anxiety, joy. 3 to 1. That sucks.
"I am a pessimist because it feels safer but I can still sometimes dream."
"I'm thankful for the same things/reasons/people daily & I guess I take that for granted because I still find myself attempting to assign weight to things. Like these are the things I'm thankful for but the way I feel about [terminal cancer diagnosis for someone I still love and miss 9 yrs after her death] is over-shadowing everything else."
"I waver between hopefulness and despair. There is no middleground, not even a chemically-induced one. I stopped taking the Celexa because I don't want to have a false sense of security. I need to know that everything that happens and that everything I feel is real."
**I had started cutting myself for probably the first time since high school because nothing felt real to me.
"I tend to be naïve, gullible & over-trusting. I also feel the need to fix and to help and put all my energy into trying to make a positive difference for others because it's where I created my sense of self-worth."
"...the biggest thing I am feeling right now is POWERLESS."
"...in my life I use words as a shield and a weapon. If I can fully put something into words then I don't necessarily have to feel it."
"It's difficult not to get mad at myself for not handling this all better. I feel like having human weaknesses is unacceptable."
** I still feel this way about myself. I'd never be this hard on someone I love and care about so why is it my first reponse to myself? Where is my love and compassion for ME from me?
And, a poem I wrote back then...
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network