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Tuesday, 1 October 2013

So much on my mind

You know how when you get a new car, suddenly you see that make and model everywhere? Or like how it seems everyone is pregnant the same time you are?

I can't stop the memories popping up.

I've been trying to stay up till the point of exhaustion (2 - 3 a.m. And then I'm up between 7 and 8 a.m.) But still - my mind whirls.

B.M. from college who attempted to assault me when we were hanging out. That was over 20 yrs ago - and he didn't manage to do it (though I did have a handcuff mark on the wrist he caught).

Then there's the creepy memory of being in the basement of an uncle -- Adam West's Batman on the TV... I really don't seem to remember more than that and that's OK. I can't deal with anything else right now.

Meds still have me hypo - but I'm riding the wave, channelling it into productivity.

Been returning phone calls and emails I've been avoiding. Reaching out to services, even did some exercising last night around 1 a.m.

Christ - just texting this post has my heart racing.

Trying to breathe.

No reply from mental health advocate yet - but when I left the msg, his outgoing greeting indicated he wasn't in the office until today.

Oh and I signed up for a one-day seminar "Raising your Spirited Child" -- hoping it's not too crowded.

Called about stress therapy group and anger mgmt groups (one for adults, one for Tweens and Teens).

All are Tuesday evenings which conflict with other activities our family participates in.

Still highly agitated.

From hyper to angry in seconds depending on external environment.

Craving chocolate like a mofo but perimenopause is totally fucking with me.

Had two periods last month with 18 days between them and now it's been 35 days (I think) since my last one.

Is the universe piling up on me like this because I'm still not coping or surviving well mentally?

Or is it my sense of my own fragility that scares me so much right now?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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