So fed up

Some days I feel like everything in the universe is designed to upset/frustrate/anger me.

One thing about not having a fam DR is not having someone who can refer me to a psych.

This time of year tends to be especially stressful and challenging for me on many levels.

Last night I couldn't turn off my brain and it wasn't even CURRENT woes -- I was caught up in some mental loop involving some of the bad things I went through as a child.

I was locked into memories of being choked and assaulted in grade school by the neighbourhood boy who hurt me for years.

Then I got stuck in the memory of physically hurting a childhood frenemy (by high school we were friends without the enemyness).

Usually I bore the physical and mental battle scars of my altercations with her but ONE TIME I just exploded into a mindless rage and I badly hurt her when we were both 8 years old.

I remember my neighbourhood abuser cheering at me from his front yard -- he didn't do anything to me for maybe 2 weeks after he saw that incident.

He told me he was proud of me.

How fucked is that??

So that's how it went from me being caught up in the memories of being abused and transitioned to the first time I really hurt someone.

Then it went to a few other incidents of when I was older and responded to some situations with violence and from there went into the time I had alcohol poisoning and blacked out (I have some vague memories) and was stopped from jumping to my death from a friend's balcony in Toronto in my mid to late 20s.

I remember throwing up violently and then I was back in time and being hurt and it was a female friend who grabbed me and held me and tried to ground me in the present.

Now, none of that happened at this time of year so I can't explain why I was so mired in all of it last night.

Even blogging about it right now, I feel like I am choking on a rock and going to throw up.

I'm so sick of feeling fragile!!



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