We were discussing our personal "bill of rights" in CBT group on Tuesday.
There were a number of things on it that I find challenging and; therefore, I find emotionally upsetting.
I am an expert at being emotionally separated from myself. Deliberately distant. It has been one of the prime ways that I have protected myself throughout my life.
It is probably how I kept myself going for as long as I did.
I do not know how to stand up for myself in a socially-acceptable way.
I am scared of men in "power positions" (especially medical professionals) and it makes me angry because I feel that's a large part of why I am still struggling now.
I am instantly transported to feeling powerless and controlled and it activates my fight or flight to the extreme.
I talked about it a bit on Tuesday and I ended up crying.
I HATE crying in public.
I apologized and I got hold of myself fairly quickly, probably within 5 minutes, but I felt embarrassed.
I don't cry in public.
Intellectually, I know how to connect most of my issues to specific events in my past and the groups I've been participating in have been helping me start to re-connect to MYSELF emotionally.
The scariest part of that is the fact that this means I end up having these spontaneous emotional reactions about my own life and feelings.
I'm used to spontaneous things when it comes to laughter, anger and fear but sorrow or grief about the things that happened to me - that's the sort of thing I've always tried to control...
I feel like I'm being helped - even though things are getting scarier because things are more real and connected than they have been in awhile...
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