OK. I realize this might sound strange (or maybe it doesn't? Really, what do I know?) but I had such a bad day on Thursday. And I completely broke down.
After the blog post I made - I tried to distract myself but I ended up feeling so defeated and powerless and hopeless that I actually called a crisis hotline.
I spoke to someone (albeit rather incoherently for probably the bulk of the call) about how I was feeling and what was going on with me and ended up, with some helpful advice on choosing to *not* go for intake at the hospital because, bottom line, I was not at risk for killing myself.
That being said - I've been in fairly rough shape for awhile. I do my best to put it aside when I have to leave the house and I also try to stay engaged with the kids and take my own time outs when I can't handle the noise.
But Thursday I ended up having just a brutal cry. Wrenching from the depths of me so much that it physically hurt to sob that way. Keening wordlessly. I was just fucking done. I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't "put it in a box" and I had to feel it and express it.
It was cathartic.
Friday was pretty much a write off because I felt exhausted. Not the same as the almost constant tiredness of the down zone but a bone-deep exhaustion. A result of my meltdown.
Saturday I managed to get up in the morning. I ate. I gathered laundry. I dropped off 2 bags of donation clothing. I made it to Tai Chi for the first time in a week or so.
Then, I actually BBM'd one of my friends today. I've been really quite incommunicado for the past while unless people call me and even then, I don't always answer the phone. Part of this is because I hate when I feel so bad and it's hard to put a reasonable spin on it for the people in my life.
So instead - I hibernate, so to speak.
I got the impulse to go out and around 11:30 - I picked up one of my friends and we went out to the bar to socialize and dance. The last time I went out and did this was Aug 3rd. And before that - I'm not sure. I think I went out once to toss a few back after Grandpa died.
But that massive release seems like it might have been good for me. Like draining the pus from an infection.
The thing is I am not adept at handling or expressing my own emotions. I used to be really good (maybe I still am) at helping other people with things going on with them. Yet as supportive as I can be for others (though sometimes I can't be present at all - let me be clear on that one) overall, I just cannot correlate that into being supportive for myself.
I get so angry and disgusted with myself that I have to do my best to block things.
My son commented earlier in the week that I will cry over music, or TV shows or books and movies. He said I cry more over things like that than I do anything else.
And he's correct.
I think I may have mentioned this before but it's just easier for me to cry at those sorts of things, even if the basis of those emotions are coming from within - those outside forces help give me some release.
So - do I LIKE melting down or breaking down? No.
But it feels like it helped. As if I emptied my "pain warehouse."
Will things build up again? Of course. It always does.
But maybe I can work on expressing some of these things before I lose control next time?
It's 4 a.m. and counting - I need to drag myself to bed.