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Sunday, 15 September 2013

Is it possible that breakdowns and meltdowns can be good for you?

OK.  I realize this might sound strange (or maybe it doesn't? Really, what do I know?) but I had such a bad day on Thursday.  And I completely broke down.

After the blog post I made - I tried to distract myself but I ended up feeling so defeated and powerless and hopeless that I actually called a crisis hotline.

I spoke to someone (albeit rather incoherently for probably the bulk of the call) about how I was feeling and what was going on with me and ended up, with some helpful advice on choosing to *not* go for intake at the hospital because, bottom line, I was not at risk for killing myself.

That being said - I've been in fairly rough shape for awhile.  I do my best to put it aside when I have to leave the house and I also try to stay engaged with the kids and take my own time outs when I can't handle the noise.

But Thursday I ended up having just a brutal cry.  Wrenching from the depths of me so much that it physically hurt to sob that way.  Keening wordlessly.  I was just fucking done.  I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't "put it in a box" and I had to feel it and express it.

It was cathartic.

Friday was pretty much a write off because I felt exhausted.  Not the same as the almost constant tiredness of the down zone but a bone-deep exhaustion.  A result of my meltdown.

Saturday I managed to get up in the morning.  I ate.  I gathered laundry.  I dropped off 2 bags of donation clothing.  I made it to Tai Chi for the first time in a week or so.

Then, I actually BBM'd one of my friends today.  I've been really quite incommunicado for the past while unless people call me and even then, I don't always answer the phone. Part of this is because I hate when I feel so bad and it's hard to put a reasonable spin on it for the people in my life.

So instead - I hibernate, so to speak.

I got the impulse to go out and around 11:30 - I picked up one of my friends and we went out to the bar to socialize and dance.  The last time I went out and did this was Aug 3rd.  And before that - I'm not sure.  I think I went out once to toss a few back after Grandpa died.

But that massive release seems like it might have been good for me.  Like draining the pus from an infection.

The thing is I am not adept at handling or expressing my own emotions.  I used to be really good (maybe I still am) at helping other people with things going on with them.  Yet as supportive as I can be for others (though sometimes I can't be present at all - let me be clear on that one) overall, I just cannot correlate that into being supportive for myself.

I get so angry and disgusted with myself that I have to do my best to block things.

My son commented earlier in the week that I will cry over music, or TV shows or books and movies.  He said I cry more over things like that than I do anything else.

And he's correct.

I think I may have mentioned this before but it's just easier for me to cry at those sorts of things, even if the basis of those emotions are coming from within - those outside forces help give me some release.

So - do I LIKE melting down or breaking down?  No.

But it feels like it helped. As if I emptied my "pain warehouse."

Will things build up again?  Of course.  It always does.

But maybe I can work on expressing some of these things before I lose control next time?

Who knows?

It's 4 a.m. and counting - I need to drag myself to bed.

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