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Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Cbt begins tomorrow

So I've been in serious hiding... Mood has been down, down, down.

And my thing is that I just don't want to have proof of how shitty I feel.

It's why I stopped writing in my diaries by hand, why I abandoned my livejournals, why I create and then hide or delete my blogs.

I *want* somewhere to express my self but it doesn't feel safe.

And then there is the fact that it is proof of my misery.

Maybe that's why I stopped writing poetry too - because my best poems came from my pain and when I am no longer here - what do I want people to remember about me?

That I was fucked up and miserable and mentally ill or would I rather have them remember me making them smile, or listening to them or whatever?

You know I deliberately make sure I look happy in pictures that I post.

Because that's what I want the world to see.

I don't want people to judge me as a welfare/headcase failure.

Or I don't want to judge myself through the eyes of the world that way.

Maybe that's what it is - that I still see myself through the eyes of strangers because those who know me and love me would be too kind, too forgiving.

Then again - it could all just be this fucking poisonous parrot inside my head.

Yes, I need to ignore it, or teach it to be kinder but those nasty birds are far-longer lived than many of the rest of us.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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