It was a good day...

It was a day of family and celebration.

My youngest turned 3 so we had family over (for various reasons the friends we'd asked to drop in couldn't make it).

But I felt OK today. Even happy in moments.

The brightest joys in my life are my children.

And today, was a day where I thoroughly enjoyed them.

It's nice to say that I had a good day.
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On my mind

We were discussing our personal "bill of rights" in CBT group on Tuesday.

There were a number of things on it that I find challenging and; therefore, I find emotionally upsetting.

I am an expert at being emotionally separated from myself. Deliberately distant. It has been one of the prime ways that I have protected myself throughout my life.

It is probably how I kept myself going for as long as I did.

I do not know how to stand up for myself in a socially-acceptable way.

I am scared of men in "power positions" (especially medical professionals) and it makes me angry because I feel that's a large part of why I am still struggling now.

I am instantly transported to feeling powerless and controlled and it activates my fight or flight to the extreme.

I talked about it a bit on Tuesday and I ended up crying.

I HATE crying in public.

I apologized and I got hold of myself fairly quickly, probably within 5 minutes, but I felt embarrassed.

I don't cry in public.

Intellectually, I know how to connect most of my issues to specific events in my past and the groups I've been participating in have been helping me start to re-connect to MYSELF emotionally.

The scariest part of that is the fact that this means I end up having these spontaneous emotional reactions about my own life and feelings.

I'm used to spontaneous things when it comes to laughter, anger and fear but sorrow or grief about the things that happened to me - that's the sort of thing I've always tried to control...

I feel like I'm being helped - even though things are getting scarier because things are more real and connected than they have been in awhile...
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Frustrated by "the system"

I can't claim to know how it works anywhere else but the medical system in Ontario has it's benefits and it's deficits.

Major deficit: shortage of medical professionals

Last year I had a *massive* falling out w/ my psychiatrist after he and I had discussed something, and I was told we'd have our next regular appt and then I should make a specific appt to discuss the specific request.

At the end of my next appt, I asked for the specific appt and was blown off. I was told we'd never discussed any such thing, that he felt my family was taking advantage of me etc...

I left, went to my car and then texted a couple of friends while I flipped out.

I finally calmed down enough to leave but it sent me into a spiral.

It triggered a horrible downer. I barely left the house. I slept more hours than I was awake and I was livid and hurt.

I finally decided to write him a letter.

I had my husband deliver it.

When I went to my next appt -- it was ridiculous... He was accusatory, he spoke down to me, it was very much male in power holding that power over a female.
I felt victimized and abused.

He showed me his "notes" from my previous sessions with him. They were all of a few sentences.
A few sentences from 45 minute sessions.

He had to "prove" he was right.

I was in such a victimized position that I felt the only way to escape the situation was for me to apologize to him.

I asked if it would "adversely affect our dr patient relationship" and he sighed, paused and then replied "just give me some time to forget about all this."

I made a follow-up appointment, with plans to cancel it (I left a msg on the answering machine to cancel it) and then he also called me to cancel it, apparently he hadn't gotten the message (said he had a funeral).

Then I contacted my family DR (who I also have never been overly keen on) to say I needed to find a new psych.

This month I went in and I asked my family DR to see exactly what previous psych wrote in my assessment.

#1 - I was told that I could not view my assessment without the DR in the room

#2 - when DR was in the room, he glanced in my file, said the psych didn't say good things about me, that based on it my DR wouldn't assist me in applying for ODSP

I asked what was said - DR told me a certain disorder that the psych had NEVER said to me in all previous sessions...

According to the date family DR told me was on it; Psych did the assessment AFTER the falling out and after I stopped seeing him!

I did state to family DR that I was told I was bipolar, he glanced in my file again and told me, "he does mention that."

And yet my DR has the power to keep me from the assistance I could gain from ODSP.

DRs have too much power. They are supposed to work for their patients but with the shortages in Ontario, we patients end up getting screwed.

In a situation like this, I have no recourse - no alternatives.

I am on a waiting list for another psychiatrist but that doesn't help me with my family DR who I've had send me for psych referrals before and to a psychologist when I had coverage etc over the years.

Some DRs are not a "good fit" for a patient but we patients have to "take what we can get" and it sucks.

There's my vent!
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In emerg - not for the reason you think!

Ok so I cannot guarantee how much sense this post will make as I am on an IV, getting fluids, an anti-nauseaunt and I was given a shot of morphine or something through a port in the IV at some point before I thought to alleviate some of my boredom and work on a blog post (to be sent later).

I have turned off my BB settings because I have no signal at all here and I don't want to drain my battery.

I am concerned the painkiller might be making me slightly high because I find myself wondering if I can be half high.

You see, my left side is feeling much improved and I am no longer hunched over in pain. But I feeling body buzzed on my right side. Specifically the right side of my face of all places.

Hence -- half high...

It took 3 tries and 2 nurses before they could IV me. Even though I did warn them about my traitorous veins (*shakes fist at my Grandma, who I inherited them from).

They also have me sipping a big ass glass of ice water so they can send me for an ultrasound.

I keep picturing the WB dancing frog popping out (what spoof movie was that from?)

"Hello my baby, hello my honey..."

But seriously, ladies, this just goes to show you that you can NEVER rejoice about the days of bladder-filling for ultrasounds being over -- even if you *are* done having children.

So I think CBT is great so far. We did vision boards this wk and I found it fascinating that everyones was done in a different "style."

I'm well-aquainted with the idea but I always thought it was silly because I thought everyone's would be done the same way -- that there would be a uniformity to them or a sens e of conformity even and yet, we looked at them all today (I only stayed for part of group because I came here) -- they were all unique.

We all had the very same source materials, and the same instructions and we did them at the same time.

But they were all so very differnt and I actually found it relaxing once I started to really think about what I wanyed to put on mine.


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