Just realized one of my posts never went through

My Grandpa died on June 20th.

I had written a post about it. About how I was feeling but I noticed now that it isn't here.

It's really hard for me to tell right now how much of my depression is related to grief vs my "usual" low mood.

Am tossing around the idea of calling the grief counselling service offered through the funeral home but I am afraid that I might be too " whatever" for them to understand.


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Sometimes I think parenthood will be the death of me

Sad but true. The brightest parts of my life are my kids... I love them. At the same time - the temper tantrums of my oldest, I really think they will do me in.

Tonight it was over TWO HOURS of my 11-year-old freaking out because he wanted mini-doughnuts about an hour or more after he went to bed.

He came down, said he couldn't sleep and then saw the mini-doughnuts (he'd had some earlier in the day) and he demanded doughnuts.

I said no, it was well past his bedtime and he'd already brushed his teeth.

I said he could have some tomorrow and he needed to go back to bed.

Instead he immediately went into full-on tantrum mode.

Hubs and I were called "stupid", "idiot" "the worst parents ever", we were told that we "suck" and that he "hate[d]" us.

So we threw the mini-doughnuts in the garbage.

And still it went on.

Till after midnight - he kept coming back out of his room, yelling and screaming.

It's like he can't stop.

And I've read that some people with ADHD start arguments and escalate them because it does something for their brain chemistry.

I seriously wonder if my 11-year-old had ADHD as well as his ASD.
It's a tough combo. A family where everyone (except my youngest) has some diagnosis which relates to cognitive behaviour and emotional regulation.

After we finally got my 11-year-old settled down - we had a cuddle and a talk.

Here's an exact quote, "...but Mom, I just get too angry to think and I can't stop."

It feels like nothing works.

We are yellers - but we (Hubs and I) hate it.

We've tried anger time-out cards - but that didn't work.

We've tried traditional time outs.

We've tried whispering (the idea was to make the kids stop tantruming and get quieter so they could hear us).

We've tried revoking privledges.

We've tried saying "we are not talking until you settle down" and then ignoring (that time I got spit on).

We've tried walking away (and he's followed and then attached himself to my legs).

I've even locked MYSELF in my room and said I needed a time out from the situation and he sat and repeatedly kicked the door and yelled through at me. He didn't stop that time until *I* started bawling (this was last year).

I am at a loss here.

And I need to have a good cry.

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Tv talk - Switched at Birth

Spoilers for those who did not see last night's episode...

Last chance to avoid a major spoiler...

Re: John's heart attack at the end of the ep w/ Regina doing CPR after calling 911

(Cross-posted from the twop forums)

So am I the only one hoping that John dies?

A parental death can impact all areas of the kids lives: maybe Toby would postpone the wedding to be there for his Mom. It could draw Bay back to her Kennish side and also bring her and Daphne closer while giving Regina and Angelo the challenge of being there for the girls without over-stepping.

Kathryn could inherit or be waived into John's senatorial seat and maybe choose to become an Independent representative to get away from creepy dude.

Regina could feel redeemed by resucitating John so he could say goodbye to Kathryn but then he could die en route to hospital w/ Kathryn at his side and his last words showing his love of his family.

Bay could bond w/ Regina by confessing her feelings of guilt from their last conversation and bond w/ Mary Beth over how it feels to have someone that close to you die.

Then Ty could go away because he couldn't handle it emotionally and Emmett could come back into the picture as an emotional support for both girls.

Seeing them lose their father could help Emmett see how foolish he is being about his own father & he could apologize and encourage his dad to get the implant

We'd also have a storyline for Travis as Kathryn could reveal that John was truly considering him for the car wash management position and we could see he and Toby operating the business - both head of what they are best at. Toby at finances and advertising and dealing w/ problematic people.

Travis with hands on work and direct management of staff.

And it can help Angelo for when his daughter is found, he can speak the years John lost w/ Daphne and you have a tearjerker for the judge re: him not wanting the same w/ his youngest daughter.

--- additional thoughts

It opens Kathryn to new relationships (hopefully not too soon).

Adrianna could help around the house and feel connected and be a loving mother figure to Kathryn and give Regina a taste of jealousy - enabling her to parent both girls w/ new insight.

Oh and w/ Kathryn going independent - she could change her view on the proposed bill and support birth control, inadvertently causing an additional rift between Toby and Nikki, while gaining respect from Bay and Daphne.

(Sometimes it's just easier to focus on distractions like TV than to talk about real things)

Real life stuff...

Grandpa's funeral was exactly a week ago.

:(
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The Final Countdown

I am sitting outside, with the blue sky above me and the sun's rays beating down on my skin.

The grass is soft, the breeze is light and my heart is heavy.

My grandpa is in his 88th year... He went into hospital on the Sunday of Victoria Day wkend.

Since then, on top of his diabetes & original kidney issues, a fist-sized tumour was discovered in his liver, plus a blockage of one kidney.

Then he was no longer able to eat well-blended, soft purees without Gravol.

And then even that stopped due to an undefined throat and escoughagus issue.

He wanted no more interventions, no more tests, no anything

So he was moved (after some DR drama) to palliative care.

I've been here every day.

He's been basically non-responsive since a scary seizure he had yesterday when almost all of our family was present.

Yesterday, before the seizure, Grandpa was asking over and over to see Grandma. He said he wanted to see her again before he died and that it would be too late -- that he wasn't going to get to see her.

Well, he did see her and acknowledge her before the seizure.

Yesterday he saw Mom, myself, my sister & her father, our uncle, aunt, 2 cousins (and 1 cousin's long-time gf) and our Grandma.

Today he saw Mom, my step-dad, myself, my aunt & uncle -- my sister is coming up in a bit.

I had to come outside because Grandpa made it very clear that he wants to die alone. He wants his parents (whose spirits he's said he's been seeing earlier in the wk) to come for him and that he doesn't want any of us to be there when he goes.

On Friday he told me, "I love you too much to go."

So I am taking this opportunity - waiting for Hubs to pick me up - to give him some privacy in case now is the time.

But he was always such a sun-lover, I would not be at all surprised if he went at sunset or tomorrow's sunrise.

All I want is for him to go in peace.

Just fall asleep and cross over.

Is that too much to ask?


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		This message is brought to you by Rogers
	I feel the need to blog but it's hard to decide what to say. Today my Grandpa told me that he loved me too much to go... I told him that it's OK to go. That when his parents come for him that the love I have for him stays with him so it's OK... No matter how old someone is - death is incredibly hard to deal with

		This message is brought to you by Rogers
	When a loved one is dying...

What is there to say?

It's like I always have so many emotions and feelings churning around inside of me that it's hard to know exactly how I feel in any given moment because I'm almost always in turmoil.

I swear the meds just make everything worse.

It turns out that my family DR's office didn't properly fill out the paperwork for my new psych referral back in March and, apparently, also faxed it to the wrong phone number.

After numerous phone calls from me yesterday - they did fax to the correct number but it was the wrong form and they were supposed to do the correct form (I hope) today.

The wait time is 2-3 months. So I am hoping that the referral is able to be back-dated to the original (but screwed up by my family DR's office) referral.

Also having a crampy, bitchy time dealing with perimenopause... Having my first cycle since March 8th is doing nothing positive for my mood, lemme tell you.

I have some appts tomorrow - I'm hoping they go well and I have an important medical one on Thursday morning that I am really anxious about.

When it comes to the Ontario medical and mental health system - I really feel that people are at the mercy of the doctors and specialists that we go to consult and we have enough stressful situations that have made us or left us feeling powerless in our lives...

I find it appalling that in an area so vital and personal that we are treated like second class citizens.
And it's not just those of us with mental health issues, it's everyone. Though it can be a lot harder to deal with for someone with mental health issues, or children with behavioural issues and/or sensory issues etc...

Let's face it - being stuck with a DR because you have one - even if you aren't happy with them -- SUCKS!

And not being able to GET a DR, when you need someone to be familiar with your file and history -- SUCKS!

And dealing with the related stress of situations like this -- SUCKS!

You get the picture.


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She's alive

On Saturday night I was really down - sometimes when that happens (well I'm actually prone to this at any time) I burst into impromptu song which I made up as I went along...

The chorus being, "I hate my fucking life, could end it with a knife, escaping with a slice or three... But then my kids would hurt, while I rot in the dirt, missing out on their own progeny..."

So I do actually find it helpful - even if it may appear "crazy."

CBT is over. I thought it was one of the best groups I've done.

I feel a bit vulnerable and adrift right now though.

*sigh*


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