Psychiatric Interpreter or Advocate - what are your thoughts?

I have been - well some might say "obsessing over" but I prefer to re-frame it as - "considering this topic quite seriously for a significant portion of time."

I have previously brought friends with me to medical doctor appointments with me because I tend to get nervous and overwhelmed and I've gotten them to pay attention to the details for me.

But this is different.

I've thought of bringing someone along with me to listen to Dr. Cool and help me interpret what his intent is since I sometimes seem to be questioning what his hidden agenda is (because there always has to be a hidden agenda according to the way I view the world, when it comes to this sort of thing which is why I simply cannot bring myself to share EVERYTHING).

The other thought is to bring one of my close friends with me.  Not MOH because he is too emotionally involved with me to be clear-headed in this sort of scenario, plus he has a tough time structuring his own thoughts...

Just one of my close friends who can maybe help explain or discuss the things that I find difficult opening up to Dr. Cool about and maybe interpreting ME to him so that he better understands that unless someone gets to know me really well so that I am comfortable letting them in a bit more, people don't really get to see any of my real vulnerability.

I am the person who others come to for help and advice. Because I care and because I actually am pretty damn good at it.  I'm just blind when it comes to myself in a lot of ways because I can only see myself in an unemotional way.

My emotions - at least the ones that hurt - are not connected to me.  A number of years ago I saw a movie starring Matthew Perry and I really identified with so much of how his character was that I even looked up the condition his character had because it seemed so much like me.

The movie was called "Numb" and his character had depersonalization disorder & clinical depression.

At that time I was feeling very much as if I was watching my life like a movie, which is something I have experienced a lot in my life at various times because I tend to be fairly disconnected from my emotions.  Though I do try to be connected to the happy ones, like happiness and joy and love.

Back to the purpose of this post though.

I tend to go off on tangents when trying to present some of my beliefs and feelings.  Plus I get afraid of telling Dr. Cool everything because I have a great fear of being "formed" and being put away against my wishes for by a whim.

I've heard those questions... "Do you believe you have a super-power?"

No, not a super-power BUT believing in the power of magic and of prayer and spells is about my spiritual belief system but that might not be how Dr. Cool would see it.

Or believing that people are out to get you. Why wouldn't there be people out to get me?

Let's look at it this way - I was abused as a child for no reason other than the person who did it decided I was someone he wanted to abuse.  I was abused by two other people as a child as well.

Then I was date-raped on more than one occasion and I eluded some attempts by other men more than once in my teens and 20s.

I was involved in a couple of abusive relationships in my life before I met MOH.

So looking at all that -- why is it "crazy" or "paranoid" to believe or feel or worry that there could be people I know or have known or even total strangers to me who are out to get me???

It's a damned dangerous world.  My experiences tell me so.

What's that saying, burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame on me -- well how many times have I been burned by men (in general) in my life so far?

I don't call it paranoia, I call it PRECAUTIONARY!!!!!!!

I know I'll get riled and defensive if I try to explain that to Dr. Calm - but maybe one of my friends could do it for me?

So who needs the interpreter?  The Doctor or the Patient?

Or is it better to look at it like simply bringing along an advocate?

Something that's been making the rounds lately

OK so this is a blog post that was made a year ago but it still relates to people today.

And, sadly, it will probably relate for years to come just as it has in the past.  We women say these things to ourselves in the form of negative self-talk.

Our friends and families have said this to us, our teachers, our peers, our colleagues, our employers, our significant (or maybe past INsignificant others have done so).

Maybe we've had a doctor or therapist even say something like this to us. Hell, maybe even our kids have done it and said things like this to us.

Society, the media, the infamous and insidious "THEY" have drilled these sorts of messages into us -- and I'm sure we've all had a moment or even more where we've done it to someone else, whether it was to someone female or male. And whether or not we are willing to admit it to ourselves else or not.

The blog post I am speaking of is from here: http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/#more-361

And here is a quote from the post: 

"Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal."

The post focuses mainly on men who do this to women but, frankly, it's done by a lot of people to others, regardless of gender. Though I will say I have experienced a lot of it in previous romantic relationships.

So, since I am still sick and, apparently, spending most of my day nauseous, with a fever and frequent trips to the bathroom doesn't allow much time for any other issues to arise because the rest of the family is treating me with supreme kindness and doing their best to keep it quiet and peaceful around here (other than some short-lived tantruming this morning from my son) I don't have much else to report.

Puberty in our house!!!

So our oldest kids have been a bit emotionally behind others their age so although our 12-year-old requires a bra, we haven't had to deal with any other "cusp of womanhood" things in reality, though we have had many preparatory talks.

And our 10-year-old, although oblivious to his capabilities as a ladies man, has given us no real issues other than complaining over a lack of body hair and general height.

That is until recently.

He has had a few talks to me about erections. Because he's been experiencing random ones.

As a Mom, this is a tough one. But he always confides in me. We are a lot alike and I "get" him better than anyone else (or I am experiencing delusions of grandeur, who knows?)

So as difficult as it may be to talk about this with him, I'm also proud that he knows that he can talk to me about anything.

----
Totally random memory moment about my boy:

In Junior Kindergarten, they had a Mom Day at my son's class. He was attending a special school so his class consisted of 8 students

All the kids who were verbal were introducing their Moms with, "My Mommy's name is Mommy."

The teacher gets to my son who yells out, "My Mommy's name is Flabbergasted Mom the First!"

Because he used my full legal name and was the only child in his class to do so.

I still smile when I think of it.


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I blame Sister Coughing Lady

Guess who has been spending way too much time in the bathroom for the later part of the day?

Yep.

C'est moi.

And I just went bilingual on your ass! ;)

At first I wondered if I caught something when I voted at the early polling station today but then I thought about the coughing lady I encountered at the Family History conference yesterday.

Arrrgh.

Hopefully this is a 24 hour thing.

In other news, MOH and I had a pretty good week but there have been a lot of quick blow-ups.

For that, I blame housework/organization.

I am sipping some Pepsi (the ultimate internal cure-all) out of my Wonder Woman cup in the hopes that it helps me feel better since I haven't really eaten today.

This better be a 24 hour thing.

And I know I already said it but I really mean it!!

I think I need to sack out again now that MOH and the kids are upstairs.




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Organization thy name is truly Hell

I really, really, really suck at this sort of thing. So does MOH. But at the same time I am determined to get some structure and routine in our lives.
But I feel like I am not only at odds with my family but also battling against my own intrinsic nature!

*sigh*


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Finally, a quiet moment

The computer has been defragging for over an hour.

Today ended up being a good day once my meds kicked in :)

Being in a place I've never been before, with a LOT of strangers, who were far more outgoing than I had anticipated and on yet another crappy night's sleep was not a recipe for success but I actually quite enjoyed myself overall once my nerves calmed down.

Three things I thought would have been an improvement:

- the seminars all being based towards FREE ways to source and cite and research and to make our info available to researchers of the future
- every guest filling in a sheet with the names of our ancestors back 6 generations (if known) at time of registration for connections to be looked for and handed out when picking up our packages in the morning
- NO politics!!!! I could give a rat's ass what msg freakin' Stephen Harper had for us this morning (and I'd feel the same if Jack Layton was alive and he'd become Prime Minister since I voted NDP in the last election!)

What else did I learn today?

Mormons refer to one another as Brother and Sister and I was told by someone non-Mormon that they either do not consume coffee specifically or caffeine in any form (or someone could have been pulling my leg)


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I'm in an LDS church and I want to go home!

No, I haven't been kidnapped, consumed any Kool-Aid, been converted, transformed or heard the word, call or whatever.

At a point and time far earlier this year when I was living, breathing and forgoing sleep in the pursuit of my newest obsessive passion which was genealogy (which I still enjoy but at a far more reasonable and moderate pace) I decided to pre-register and pay to attend a Family History conference being held in my town.

Of course I was also feeling a lot more "up" then.

Well, it's today.

And I'm here.

I am sitting at the back of a room, as far away from everyone else as possible, and the friendly, well-meaning Mormons keep coming over to say hello while I am taking my stupid Rescue Remedy drops (meant to alleviate anxiety as one of my diagnoses is social anxiety disorder) but which seems to be doing exactly NOTHING!!

And I have to pee but I am afraid that there will be more friendly people who will have conversational expectations of me if I go into the bathroom because, well hell - that's a trueism that entertainment media got right... Women DO talk in the bathroom!

It's not even 9 a.m. And this goes till 4!!!

What the hell am I going to do? There is a limited amount of genealogical related literature for me to read, then re-read and then pretend to read until the seminars begin!!!!!

And I read REALLY fast!

Plus all my previous years in retail may even allow me to wait to pee until this whole event is over, like a camel. Isn't it camels that don't have to pee very often? I know they don't have to drink very often so it would make sense that they also don't pee a lot.

Old ladies are staring at me now. Like "why is that girl in the pigtails playing with her phone?"

If it was my son, he'd be hoping I downloaded a game or something cool. But the old ladies probably think I am pretending to be on the phone so I don't have to talk to them (because they can SEE I'm clearly not on the phone since it's not up to my ear and I'm not even talking) and now the one who came and sat two seats away from me where there are literally at least 100 other seats is coughing!

I can't remember if coughing is a sign of West Nile or not but I was scratching a mosquito bite the other night and then the news came on and they were talking about West Nile being an epidemic and that there were at least 30 cases in Toronto (which isn't that far from here).

It's getting too busy in this room. I am going to walk outside because I can't breathe in here anymore.

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I want purple hair

I want a hair cut. I want amazing purple hair and I want it now. But I can't do it. I'm too fat for the hair cut I want and I totally suck at dyeing my hair. I always manage to miss like a big patch of hair on one side of my head but the purple dye I like the best is so damn messy I can't really ask anyone to help me with it. But at the same time now I am a bit paranoid that if I change my hair that suddenly it takes on some new meaning.

Keep in mind that since I first started dyeing my hair 22 years ago that I tend to whine and bitch about my hair for a bit and then BOOM new hair for me!

So now it's like what if it's looked upon like a sign of something more? Was it actually Freud who said that sometime a cigar is just a cigar or is that some shit I read on the internet?

Got some other stuff on my mind since one of my good friends is at the hospital with her mom but I don't want to think about that stuff so this is all you are getting from me for now.


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