A lil hypo

I didn't get out to get my Rx to re-start Wellbutrin till Sept 24th.

Am already experiencing a slight touch of hypomania at a 150 mg dose 1x/day.

Re-organization and cleaning spree began yesterday.

But I'm OK with that. Because being depressed for so long means things just haven't been done till my last episode.

I'm thinking it'll taper off as I re-adjust BUT for now, I'm trying to ride it out and get stuff done.

Sure, I'm surly BUT there's a give and take here.

At least I can get my ass off the couch.

And I'm not as angry and aggressive as when I was taking the Wellbutrin with Topamax & Cipralex.

No sex drive yet though. Last time that didn't return until I was on 300 mg of Wellbutrin.

Still wondering if an anti-psychotic is what would stabilize my moods BUT with my heart - I don't know if there is one that won't impact my heart.

Left a msg for someone re: mental health advocacy.

Cross your fingers and wish me luck.


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Feeling Moody (not like that's anything new)

So I had an appt w/ family DR on Tuesday to get the referral for my breast check follow-up.

While there he asked if I had any other concerns. I said no because I knew he wouldn't have the psych report yet.

I told him I had the assessment and the diagnosis. He said, "Any surprises?"

I said no.

I said that OW wants me on ODSP.

He said, "I prefer to see you working."

I said that he knows I haven't worked FT since 2004 & and PT 2009 and since my issues impact my ability to leave the house and deal with people.

He said, "You'll make a good forest ranger then."

I had my mom with me. She found him rude and said she understands what I've been complaining about.

BTW my appt was at 11:30 - I checked in at 11:20. Yet he didn't see me till 12:55!

I was told I was next and then he deliberately went into the room next to mine (I even said, "They said I was next" and he didn't say a word).

And when he did come in - he offered no apology or explanation re: his tardiness.

The question is now - how can I get a DR that I can have a good working relationship with?


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Still bipolar type 2

I think the assessment went well. Dr. H had me fill out a lot of questionnaires. And he asked me questions and he talked to me.

He said the easiest way to look at things is that there are some specific "main" diagnoses.

They are: Dementia, Schizophrenia, Bipolar & Depression.

Then he explained that you can be Biploar and have issues with anxiety, or obsessive thoughts or concentration etc... That all these others things are just part of that top tier diagnosis.

He recommends I see a psychiatrist to monitor my meds and a clinical psychologist or counsellor in tandem with that.

Of course he/the hospital do NOT fill out ODSP applications.

So once the report is typed up I either need to re-approach my family DR (who has already refused to help me once, despite my diagnosis of bipolar from last summer) OR fire my DR and try to find a new one who will help me.

That process will entail paying who knows how much for my medical records.

*sigh*

It's strange that one so often hears about people ripping off the system but the other side of things is people like me who are honest but being ignored/reviled/punished by the main professional who should be helping me.


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Assessment or consultation (1 time thing) is today

So, after much frustration and strife, I was able to be scheduled in this afternoon (now that fam DR finally got the proper info to hospital).

I am currently killing time before the appointment because I am afraid if I go somewhere else first, something will divert me from attending.

I know I want an, essentially, impartial assessment because of the personal strife I had with my last psychiatrist BUT now my fears are boiling over.

It brings up my issues with authority figures, with medical professionals, with men in roles of power and influence; plus, my anxiety of being judged.

And I keep reminding myself that this is a step that should assist me in getting the treatment outline that I require. A guide.

BUT I am afraid.

I am afraid of not being heard and/or being misunderstood.
I am afraid of talking about all of these things inside of me. And the possibly mitigating factors involved with them.
I am afraid of following up with my family DR and still being "pooh-poohed" by him.

After all, this dr was of no assistance re: my child's diagnosis. And I feel he has been deliberately hindering and hampering me re: my mental health whereas my ex-husband thinks the dr is great (he treats both of us).

I am afraid that I'll be just as powerless and hopeless after this as I feel right now.

So I am writing this post to try and get the worst of it, the part that knots my stomach to the point of nausea, OUT.

Wish me luck and wellness and healing.


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Is it possible that breakdowns and meltdowns can be good for you?

OK.  I realize this might sound strange (or maybe it doesn't? Really, what do I know?) but I had such a bad day on Thursday.  And I completely broke down.

After the blog post I made - I tried to distract myself but I ended up feeling so defeated and powerless and hopeless that I actually called a crisis hotline.

I spoke to someone (albeit rather incoherently for probably the bulk of the call) about how I was feeling and what was going on with me and ended up, with some helpful advice on choosing to *not* go for intake at the hospital because, bottom line, I was not at risk for killing myself.

That being said - I've been in fairly rough shape for awhile.  I do my best to put it aside when I have to leave the house and I also try to stay engaged with the kids and take my own time outs when I can't handle the noise.

But Thursday I ended up having just a brutal cry.  Wrenching from the depths of me so much that it physically hurt to sob that way.  Keening wordlessly.  I was just fucking done.  I couldn't hold it in, I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't "put it in a box" and I had to feel it and express it.

It was cathartic.

Friday was pretty much a write off because I felt exhausted.  Not the same as the almost constant tiredness of the down zone but a bone-deep exhaustion.  A result of my meltdown.

Saturday I managed to get up in the morning.  I ate.  I gathered laundry.  I dropped off 2 bags of donation clothing.  I made it to Tai Chi for the first time in a week or so.

Then, I actually BBM'd one of my friends today.  I've been really quite incommunicado for the past while unless people call me and even then, I don't always answer the phone. Part of this is because I hate when I feel so bad and it's hard to put a reasonable spin on it for the people in my life.

So instead - I hibernate, so to speak.

I got the impulse to go out and around 11:30 - I picked up one of my friends and we went out to the bar to socialize and dance.  The last time I went out and did this was Aug 3rd.  And before that - I'm not sure.  I think I went out once to toss a few back after Grandpa died.

But that massive release seems like it might have been good for me.  Like draining the pus from an infection.

The thing is I am not adept at handling or expressing my own emotions.  I used to be really good (maybe I still am) at helping other people with things going on with them.  Yet as supportive as I can be for others (though sometimes I can't be present at all - let me be clear on that one) overall, I just cannot correlate that into being supportive for myself.

I get so angry and disgusted with myself that I have to do my best to block things.

My son commented earlier in the week that I will cry over music, or TV shows or books and movies.  He said I cry more over things like that than I do anything else.

And he's correct.

I think I may have mentioned this before but it's just easier for me to cry at those sorts of things, even if the basis of those emotions are coming from within - those outside forces help give me some release.

So - do I LIKE melting down or breaking down?  No.

But it feels like it helped. As if I emptied my "pain warehouse."

Will things build up again?  Of course.  It always does.

But maybe I can work on expressing some of these things before I lose control next time?

Who knows?

It's 4 a.m. and counting - I need to drag myself to bed.

Update

Receptionist from family DR phoned yesterday and said a properly filled out referral form was to be faxed to the hospital that day.

I was told I still owe $15 for a phoned in Rx from last Oct (that I was never informed of until Thursday) and that I was no longer going to be charged for the Jan appt I showed up for but other receptionist had given me the wrong time.

(That I *had* addressed with them as soon as I got a letter about it because I'd said something when I showed up for the appt, then when I got the letter and was assured back then that they would remove the charge and then I never heard anything about that again until Thursday).

Here's hoping it WAS done.

I'll call to follow up next wk.

Wish me luck!
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The on-going BS dealing with doctors

I am livid right now. Absolutely livid. Frustrated and disheartened and absolutely sick of the helplessness we deal with re: the medical system.

I'm going to have to backtrack here - last summer I was seeing a psychiatrist who I originally liked and thought he was going to help me.

He is the one who diagnosed me with Type 2 bipolar and ADHD.

I saw him for awhile but then he forgot that we discussed ODSP and actually told me that we'd never had a conversation about it.
That occurred at the end of an appointment and I was shocked and frustrated and upset.

I went out to my car and I flipped out. I called Hubs, one of my best friends and another friend and told them what had happened.

I stewed about it for a few wks and went into a massive downcycle - worse than my standard low.

I wrote him a letter - an upset one to be sure - so that he'd know how I was feeling before my next appointment in the hope that I wouldn't have to "waste" my next appointment discussing my feelings about it and just get to the ODSP info.

Instead my next appointment was spent with him angrily confronting me - showing me his "notes" on our previous sessions (which consisted of 2 - 4 SENTENCES per 45 minute session) though he did back-handedly say, "I have a lot of patients and may have forgotten."

He also asked me why I was getting emotional (I was crying) and the whole thing was traumatizing.

I have issues with men, and with authority figures and with feeling powerless.

That last appt was all about him proving that he, the almighty psychiatrist, was in the right and I, the lowly patient should suck it up.

I tried to kowtow to him because I was afraid and I never returned.

Following that, maybe a few wks later is when he deigned to write up an assessment on me and send it to my family DR.

In between my last psych appt and him sending the assessment (which I have never seen - though family DR said it was "unflattering") I had an appt with family DR where I said I'd had a "falling out" with the psych.

I felt so distrustful after it all that I didn't ask for a new psych referral until around March 3rd, at first for whomever was available but then I got the name of someone recommended for doing well-written assessments so I called to switch the referral to a psych at the local hospital. Plus the psych family DR had first recommended turned out to be the psych of a trusted friend (and she hated him).

I knew it would be a wait.

I followed up in May and found out from hospital that family DR had sent a referral in March but it wasn't filled out correctly.

Hospital had followed up with family DR and said they'd be ignored so they closed the file.

I asked them to contact again and then contacted family DR and asked them to correct the situation (this was around May 6th or 7th I think)

May was when Grandpa got sick and went to hospital and we found out he was terminal so from that point until Grandpa died in June I was occupied with that.

And grieving.

Followed up again about Aug 20th (found the whole sitch frustrating and upsetting so I had to work up my nerve to get back to it).

Family DR office said referral had been refused.

Hospital said DR still hadn't filled out the specific info on the form they had faxed back in May. They re-faxed to my DR's office.
I called family DR and explained the situation and asked it be resolved.

I have been doing phone calls with Dr's office and hospital since Aug 20th.

Today, family DR still hasn't done it. Receptionist now presented something totally different to me. Says I have an outstanding bill with them. One since last Oct re: prescription renewal and one for Jan re: missed appt.

Says family DR won't fix the referral until this is taken care of.

This is the 1st I've heard of the Rx renewal charge.

As for the missed appt charge, I did receive a letter about thta and I called them immediately because I had shown up for the appt time I was given on the phone and the DR wasn't there. I was told at that time I'd missed the appt. I said I'd come at the time I was given.

When I spoke to the person on the phone following the letter, she said that maybe she'd told me the wrong time because we'd been discussing 2 possible appt dates and times and said she'd take care of that because it was possibly her error.

Now, keep in mind this morning was the first time they've said anything about fixing my referral being held hostage.

Then she said she wasn't sure if I was still a patient.

I explained that I had gone to a walk-in clinic once for an inquiry which I believe a patient is allowed to do.

(It was a consult re: my doctor-patient relationship and if one could go on a waiting list for a different DR while still keeping one's own DR in the interim.)

Because I require a follow-up mammogram this month, I decided to do that first. I have an appt on the 24th with family DR about that.

I started crying on phone with family DR receptionist and said he'd better get this sorted or I'll be forced to lodge a complaint.

I cannot believe this.

And people wonder why I don't trust DRs. And why it's so hard for me to deal with people. And why I get so defeated and hopeless

Well, how would you feel?

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Went to the Psychic Fair on Friday

So my Mom, sister and I went to the local psychic fair on Friday. I haven't been in years.

We walked through to get a feel for the people but only felt energy from a few of them.

And we stopped and spoke to this guy: (I'm not sure if the image my sis BBM'd me will attach for sure or not)

He reads hair.

Yep, hair.

Mom had a full reading and he completely nailed her bang-on re: her personality.

Independent, conflicts with her mother - especially when younger, has to do things herself so they are done right, is more like her father in personality etc... And mentioned asthma being in our family genealogy & said that although she is mothering to us, my sister and I both gave the feeling of having 2nd mothers.

My sister had a mini-reading and he pegged her too: all-or-nothing thinking, topics that are close to her heart and very much on her mind, spoke about her having a 2nd mother figure when she was young & said it was Mom's grandma (true) etc... Also warned her about heart murmur from her father's side of the family - I think she'll have to check on that one.

He offered me a really mini-reading since the 3 of us were together and I was low on $

He said that I have a lot of anxiety, that I put a lot of effort into making it seem like I am OK on the outside though I am not and that I am not social like my sister, I tend to be lonely.
He said I just want my partner to take care of me & say , "I've got a good job so you just stay home and do what you want to."

He said I worry about work a lot but that I just want to be at home and enjoy what I am doing (we inferred this to be genealogy but he didn't specify).

He noted a number of pregnancies for me. It was correct only if we don't include miscarriage.

He also mentioned gestational diabetes. But I did not have that.
So he didn't seem as correct with me as with my Mom and sister but he also said there was a lot going on with me.

All-in-all, I'd recommend him

It was interesting


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