Crying over a diaper drive

So there is a diaper drive and I keep crying about it. We're donating a full side of one of the large boxes because I remember how terrified I was that I may have to go to a shelter back in '05 when I left Hub v1.0

Plus I participated in counselling and a woman's group at the local shelter back then.

I'm glad we can help but I am finding it really triggering.


Xo


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Waking up in a colourless mood

It's a sunshine day. Moochie and I have already been out but I just feel like crying today.

Tears stream down my face for no reason.

My head aches.

I took my meds but I feel horrible.


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Why does TV make it seem so easy?

I've been watching "Being Erica" on Netflix.

One of my fav shows is "Doctor Who."

I am, frankly, obsessed w/ time travel.

I wonder if I could go back and say proper goodbyes to ppl, if I could not marry Hubs 1, just stick around until I got pregnant and then go.

I wish I could control my weight.

I wish I could go back and protect myself from the things that hurt ne.

I wish I could go back and get my parents to take me for a psych evaluation in my childhood.

I can't help but wonder if there would be a time I could go back to where I wouldn't have this mental illness.

IS there a time or has it always been there?

I can look back and definitely see the highs and lows; peaks and valleys; the way I was so desperately out of control.

Feeling like such an outsider, looking for validation in other people - specifically men.

My self-image was horrible abd it still is,

Where am I within the mental illness?

- anger
- lacking a sense of control
- people pleaser
- confusion
- poor short-term memory
- high sex drive
- separation of emotions and mental state
- is the fear me or it or the illness or both??

I am not such how to think and feel, and I am not sure WHY this is bugging me so much right now (well a slight idea but I'm not ready to talk about it because I don't want to name names.)


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Why does TV make it so easy?

I've been watching "Being Erica" on Netflix.

One of my fav shows is "Doctor Who."

I am, frankly, obsessed w/ time travel.

I wonder if I could go back and say proper goodbyes to ppl, if I could not marry Hubs 1, just stick around until I got pregnant and then go.

I wish I could control my weight.

I wish I could go back and protect myself from the things that hurt ne.

I wish I could go back and get my parents to take me for a psych evaluation in my childhood.

I can't help but wonder if there would be a time I could go back to where I wouldn't have this mental illness.

IS there a time or has it always been there?

I can look back and definitely see the highs and lows; peaks and valleys; the way I was so desperately out of control.

Feeling like such an outsider, looking for validation in other people - specifically men.

My self-image was horrible abd it still is,

Where am I within the mental illness?

- anger
- lacking a sense of control
- people pleaser
- confusion
- poor short-term memory
- high sex drive
- separation of emotions and mental state
- is the fear me or it or the illness or both??

I am not such how to think and feel, and I am not sure WHY this is bugging me so much right now (well a slight idea but I'm not ready to talk about it because I don't want to name names.)


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Busy freakin' few days!

OK so yesterday I had a psych appt and he's still tweaking my meds.

He also ordered some blood work and an EKG.

I've been failing over and bumping into thing quite a bit. It's very embarrassing and it HURTS!

He should get the results by Tues. I am hoping he can tell me via the telephone.

I got my CPP-D application submitted and then I had to submit my ODSP paperwork - I almost faxed it off but was told by OW (The ppl on the 4th floor) that it needed to be submitted there to my OW worker.

So I had them date stamp the outside of the envelope and put my worker's code number on it and kept a photocopy of that, at least, for myself - I had planned on sending then via Purolater where they'd have to sign on receipt.

So I also had to get my envelope stapled and taped because it was in such rough shape.

Oh and Boy-o is getting glasses. The Rxs on Hubs and mine changed and OW covers $200. The rest we'll have to cover.

OW never said there was an issue when I phoned and asked the general person I got but our worker seemed a bit disgruntled jn a msg she left this a.m. (Though maybe the meds are having me read into it incorrectly.)

Nap time now - exhausted!!!


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	I think the meds are helping iver all but I am very. Aleept atm.

A good day then a bad day

Good day - had my sister work on part of my hair.

Am thinking of having the rest of the hair in my back done blue.

We'll see.

Bad part - coming home to 2 grumpy kids and suddenly Rhyme Girl was being bitchy.

Plus Hubs.

Well I don't need this shit. Everyone is going to bed at 9 p.m.

And good night and good riddance!!!

Also, ended up taking my 6 p.m. Meds 43ish minutes last.

I am finding I get dizzier around my med time or if I'm a bit late.

That's all I have to say.


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*sigh*

So I had to email Dr. S. today re: some things missing on my paperwork...

Last wk I was at OW 3 or 4 days from the whole damn wk.

And I actually fell alseep with my head on the worker's desk while she was out photocopying.

Still waiting on a letter from couNsellor T.

Wonderig if I should ask E re: CMHA peer-led stuff???


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excerpt from hand-written journal April 15th

Looking at wk # 2 of my meds

The list:

- Clonazepam 1 mg - 4 pills/day - 1 pill dosed at morn, 1 at noon, 1 at 6 p.m. and 1 at bed

- Lamictal 25 mg - 14 pills/day - 6 dosed out at morn, 6 at noon and 1 at 6 p.m.

- Propranolol 10 mg - 4 pills/ day - 2 dosed out at morn & 2 at 6 p.m.

- Abilify 5 mg - 1 pill/day dosed each morning

So compared to last wk that's a 3 pill increase/day in Lamictal (same mg)

A 3 mg increase in my single Abilify pill and the rest is the same.

Ok - gotta post this - I have some swallowing to do (and not the fun kind!!)


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Feeling drained

Had a fight w/ Hubs. Today I just needed a day to myself... He handled the kids, did some laundry (though I gave our mattress a good Norwex spraying).

I said, "Thank you" more than once but he blew up, feeling that I hadn't done so.

THEN he had his WTF moment - as in wtf am I doing? Why do I require a thank you for everything because some days, my more manic days - I get a lot done and often am not thanked.

He's worried the meds are making me a zombie but I feel like I'm less angry, yelling less, certainly less depressed over all.

Still having some mania.

Sex drive is high.

Less headaches and migraines for sure.

More dizzy and sleepy but not sleeping well.

Hubs thinks I am less quick-witted.

It's hard for me to tell because for years having to leave the house and do things - I get exhausted and have to rest and regain my energy.

And I've had to be out a LOT the past month or so.

I'm also less anxious and my back hurts less.

But this fight, as it was, left me in tears...

And I still feel horrid.

He pushed the scales the wrong way and I don't know how to get back up - even to a balance.

I need him to touch me and hold me and help me feel safe again.

I don't want to ask.

I just want him to know to do it.

Am I being unfair??


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This is just a test

I want to see if this post will appear on BOTH of my active blogs...

Let's just see...


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Where are the books on parenting when YOU have bipolar disorder??

I did a google search and I can find a lot of books for parenting children and teens and young adults who have these (or other) disorders but I feel invisible.

Not surprising with an invisible illness but I feel solely under-represented.

Reading some of the books give me "A Ha!" Moments in regards to my own trials and tribulations of growing up but they don't really help me NOW!
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