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Saturday, 26 April 2014

Why does TV make it seem so easy?

I've been watching "Being Erica" on Netflix.

One of my fav shows is "Doctor Who."

I am, frankly, obsessed w/ time travel.

I wonder if I could go back and say proper goodbyes to ppl, if I could not marry Hubs 1, just stick around until I got pregnant and then go.

I wish I could control my weight.

I wish I could go back and protect myself from the things that hurt ne.

I wish I could go back and get my parents to take me for a psych evaluation in my childhood.

I can't help but wonder if there would be a time I could go back to where I wouldn't have this mental illness.

IS there a time or has it always been there?

I can look back and definitely see the highs and lows; peaks and valleys; the way I was so desperately out of control.

Feeling like such an outsider, looking for validation in other people - specifically men.

My self-image was horrible abd it still is,

Where am I within the mental illness?

- anger
- lacking a sense of control
- people pleaser
- confusion
- poor short-term memory
- high sex drive
- separation of emotions and mental state
- is the fear me or it or the illness or both??

I am not such how to think and feel, and I am not sure WHY this is bugging me so much right now (well a slight idea but I'm not ready to talk about it because I don't want to name names.)

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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