I am still alive

Gained a lot of weight since I started the Lyrica... Psych wants to try adding a stimulant. He says it could send me into hypomania but if it does, I should stop taking it.

I can't remember the name though.

I want it to help me do the things my lack of energy and my feelings of shame stop me from.



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		This message is brought to you by Rogers
	My temper is flaring today. Missed my noon meds - not sure if that factors in or not.

Thought

Do you ever have a moment where you think of how your silhouette looks to someone walking past?

And then, do you ever think of going past with a big knife like the nun in Exorcist 3, just to freak them out??

Perhaps it's only me.


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Moody

I don't really have anything to say other than H dragging me out for some garage sale perusing.

I feel crappy and Hubs is gone till tmw.

:(


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Haven't been writing

I am very bored and boring so I haven't been writing.

It's been a busy wk so I am exhausted!!!

I'm moody and semi-down most days but I slap on a happy face the best I can because Hubs is down too.

Had Son's bday, went to the beach and saw an old friend.

All good things but I feel like I have no energy left.


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Tired

I have been up and down this wk. Got my period - first one since May.

Haven't been taking many actual photos or working on genealogy either.

Went out yesterday w/ a good friend - met up w/ some other friends & I was even convinced to stay out even later and some of it was good and some wasn't as much.

Overall, I feel sort of strange it's like while I am texting this - it's one of those out-of-body experiences where I am seeing myself from above.

I feel so disconnected...


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Hmmn...

Had ODSP meeting today - came home and slept for HOURS - my case worker was nice and explained things thoroughly though I can't say I retained much of it.

Thank God there were handouts!

Awoke feeling moody.


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*sigh* Hubs 2.0 is depressed

This is so hard to deal w/ because it pulls me down too. It's so easy to be sucked into the whirlpool.
I am swimming against the current but I don't want to drown!

I *know* I should be more supportive and I tend to think I am until I end up losing my shit w/ him.

Go to a DR, a counselling place - just do SOMETHING!!!!

I've been asking for MONTHS!


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Angry

I've been kind of angry today.

Everything is like striking a match to a wick.

I hate this.


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Fuck

So there is this thing called a disability tax credit aka the T-2201.

You need a medical dr or psychologist to fill it out and without one, in Ontario, you can NOT set up an RDSP for yourself.

I don't have either.

My psychiatrist did my cpp-d application and my odsp application.

So I need some else to do the last thing.

According to CIBC - Ontario is the only province that does it that way.

Grr Arrgh!

I say this time and time again - why is it that ppl with mental health issues need to jump through hoops when we have a lessened capacity/tolerance for it all?!?!???


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Contemplating my pills

Clonazepam 0.5 mg - 6x per day = 3 mg
Lamictal 100 mg - 5x per day = 500 mg
Teva-Propranlol 10 mg - 2x per day = 20 mg
Abilify 30 mg - 1x per day = 30 mg
Synthroid 25 mcg - 2x per day = 50 mcg

MCG is micrograms so that amount won't even help with weight loss :( damn it!

But my question is - is that a LOT of medication to be on or not?

Next appt I am going to ask if the Clonazepam was actually "as needed" with the max being "as prescribed" because I think he said that to me but I can't recall.

fr: http://www.webmd.boots.com/mental-health/bipolar-disorder-clonazepam-to-treat-mania

Does it work?

Probably. If you have bipolar disorder, taking clonazepam can help calm down some of your symptoms if you are having a bout of mania. But it can have side effects, especially if you take it for more than four weeks.

What is it?

Clonazepam  [snip] can also be used to treat anxiety and mania.
Clonazepam can be addictive if you take it for too long. But it starts to work quickly.

How does it work?

Benzodiazepine drugs such as clonazepam dampen down activity in your brain. This means they have a calming effect. They help you feel less anxious and help you get to sleep.

Can it be harmful?

Yes. These are some of side effects you are most likely to get. ^[78]

• Feeling sleepy. This is the most common side effect of benzodiazepines. You shouldn't drive or operate machinery while taking clonazepam.
• Having problems with your memory. Benzodiazepines can make it hard for you to remember things.
• Having dizzy spells.

Doctors won't give you benzodiazepine drugs such as clonazepam for more than a few weeks. This is because you can become dependent on them. When you become dependent on a drug, you feel a strong need to keep taking it. And you can't stop taking it without getting withdrawal symptoms. For example, you may feel very upset or irritated, be unable to sleep, and lose your appetite. So doctors don't usually give people benzodiazepine drugs for longer than a few weeks.


 fr: http://www.webmd.com/drugs/mono-7217-LAMOTRIGINE+-+ORAL.aspx?drugid=8486&drugname=Lamictal+Oral&source=0

Lamictal oral Warnings

Rarely, serious (sometimes fatal) skin rashes have occurred while taking this medication. These rashes are more common in children under 16 than in adults. Rashes may be more likely if you start at too high a dose, if you increase your dose too quickly, or if you take this medication with certain other anti-seizure medications (valproic acid, divalproex). These rashes may occur anytime during use, but most serious rashes have occurred within 2 to 8 weeks of starting lamotrigine.

Get medical help right away if you develop any type of skin rash while taking this medication, or if you have other signs of a serious allergic reaction such as hives, fever, swollen lymph glands, painful sores in the mouth or around the eyes, or swelling of the lips or tongue. Your doctor will tell you if you should stop taking lamotrigine. Even after you stop taking this medication, it is still possible for the rash to become life-threatening or cause permanent scars or other problems.


Lamotrigine is used alone or with other medications to prevent and control seizures. It may also be used to help prevent the extreme mood swings of bipolar disorder in adults.
Lamotrigine is known as an anticonvulsant or antiepileptic drug. It is thought to work by restoring the balance of certain natural substances in the brain.
How to use Lamictal oral Read the Medication Guide and, if available, the Patient Information Leaflet provided by your pharmacist before you start taking lamotrigine and each time you get a refill. If you have any questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist.
Take this medication by mouth with or without food as directed by your doctor. Swallow the tablets whole since chewing them may leave a bitter taste.
Dosage is based on your medical condition, response to treatment, and use of certain interacting drugs. (See also Drug Interactions section.) For children, the dosage is also based on weight.
It is very important to follow your doctor's dosing instructions exactly. The dose must be increased slowly. It may take several weeks or months to reach the best dose for you and to get the full benefit from this medication. Take this medication regularly in order to get the most benefit from it. To help you remember, take it at the same time(s) each day.
Do not stop taking this medication without consulting your doctor. Some conditions may become worse when the drug is suddenly stopped. Your dose may need to be gradually decreased. Also, if you have stopped taking this medication, do not restart lamotrigine without consulting your doctor.
Tell your doctor if your condition does not improve or if it worsens.

Lamictal oral is used to treat the following:

Bipolar Disorder in Remission, Epilepsy of the Lennox Gastaut Syndrome, Simple Partial Seizures, Convulsive Seizures, Epileptic Seizure, Fit

Lamictal oral may also be used to treat:

Bipolar Depression, Rapid Cycle Manic-Depression, Neuropathic Pain

Before using this medication, tell your doctor or pharmacist your medical history, especially of: kidney disease, liver disease.
This drug may make you dizzy or drowsy or cause blurred vision. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness or clear vision until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Limit alcoholic beverages.
Before having surgery, tell your doctor or dentist about all the products you use (including prescription drugs, nonprescription drugs, and herbal products).
Older adults may be more sensitive to the side effects of this drug, especially dizziness, loss of coordination, or fainting. These side effects can increase the risk of falling.


Drug interactions may change how your medications work or increase your risk for serious side effects. This document does not contain all possible drug interactions. Keep a list of all the products you use (including prescription/nonprescription drugs and herbal products) and share it with your doctor and pharmacist. Do not start, stop, or change the dosage of any medicines without your doctor's approval.
Other medications can affect the removal of lamotrigine from your body, which may affect how lamotrigine works. Examples include hormonal birth control (such as pills, patches), estrogens, other medications to treat seizures (such as carbamazepine, phenobarbital, phenytoin, primidone, valproic acid), and rifampin, among others. Your doctor may need to adjust your dose of lamotrigine if you are on these medications.
This medication may decrease the effectiveness of hormonal birth control products (such as pills, patch, ring). This effect can result in pregnancy. Ask your doctor or pharmacist for details. Discuss whether you should use additional reliable birth control methods while using this medication. Also tell your doctor if you have any new spotting or breakthrough bleeding, because these may be signs that your birth control is not working well.
Tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are taking other products that cause drowsiness including alcohol, antihistamines (such as cetirizine, diphenhydramine), drugs for sleep or anxiety (such as alprazolam, diazepam, zolpidem), muscle relaxants, and narcotic pain relievers (such as codeine).
Check the labels on all your medicines (such as allergy or cough-and-cold products) because they may contain ingredients that cause drowsiness. Ask your pharmacist about using those products safely.

NOTES:
Do not share this medication with others.
Laboratory and/or medical tests (such as liver and kidney function tests, complete blood count) may be performed periodically to monitor your progress or check for side effects. Consult your doctor for more details.
There are different types of this medication available. Some do not have the same effects. There are also some medications that sound the same as this product. Make sure you have the right product before taking it.

fr: http://chealth.canoe.ca/drug_info_details.asp?brand_name_id=4105

How does Teva-Propranolol work? What will it do for me?

Propranolol belongs to the class of medications called beta-blockers. It is used to treat high blood pressure. It is also used to prevent angina (chest pain), to reduce the risk of more heart problems after a heart attack (myocardial infarction), to manage certain heart conditions, and to treat certain types of abnormal heart rhythms. Propranolol works by relaxing blood vessels and reducing the demands on the heart.
Propranolol is also used for the prevention of migraines and the treatment of essential tremor.
Your doctor may have suggested this medication for conditions other than those listed in these drug information articles. As well, some forms of this medication may not be used for all of the conditions discussed here. If you have not discussed this with your doctor or are not sure why you are taking this medication, speak to your doctor. Do not stop taking this medication without consulting your doctor.
Do not give this medication to anyone else, even if they have the same symptoms as you do. It can be harmful for people to take this medication if their doctor has not prescribed it.

How should I use Teva-Propranolol?

The recommended adult dose of propranolol varies widely according to the condition being treated and circumstances of the person taking the medication. Propranolol may be taken with or without food. Do not stop taking this medication suddenly unless you have talked with your doctor first.
Many things can affect the dose of medication that a person needs, such as body weight, other medical conditions, and other medications. If your doctor has recommended a dose different from the ones given here,do not change the way that you are taking the medication without consulting your doctor.
It is important to take this medication exactly as prescribed by your doctor. If you miss a dose, take it as soon as possible and continue with your regular schedule. If it is almost time for your next dose, skip the missed dose and continue with your regular dosing schedule. Do not take a double dose to make up for a missed one. If you are not sure what to do after missing a dose, contact your doctor or pharmacist for advice.
This medication is available under multiple brand names and/or in several different forms. Any specific brand name of this medication may not be available in all of the forms listed here. The forms available for the specific brand you have searched are listed under "What form(s) does this medication come in?"
Do not dispose of medications in wastewater (e.g. down the sink or in the toilet) or in household garbage. Ask your pharmacist how to dispose of medications that are no longer needed or have expired.

Who should NOT take Teva-Propranolol?

Propranolol should not be taken by anyone who:

• is allergic to propranolol or to any of the ingredients of the medication
• is in cardiogenic shock
• has a severely slow heart rate
• has allergic rhinitis during the pollen season
• has asthma or severe chronic obstructive respiratory diseases (e.g., emphysema, chronic bronchitis)
• has overt heart failure
• has right ventricular failure secondary to pulmonary hypertension (excessive blood pressure in the lungs)
• has serious heart block (second- and third-degree AV block)
• has severe circulatory disorders

  What side effects are possible with Teva-Propranolol?

  Many medications can cause side effects. A side effect is an unwanted response to a medication when it is taken in normal doses. Side effects can be mild or severe, temporary or permanent. The side effects listed below are not experienced by everyone who takes this medication. If you are concerned about side effects, discuss the risks and benefits of this medication with your doctor.
  The following side effects have been reported by at least 1% of people taking this medication. Many of these side effects can be managed, and some may go away on their own over time.
  Contact your doctor if you experience these side effects and they are severe or bothersome. Your pharmacist may be able to advise you on managing side effects.
  
• dizziness or lightheadedness
• drowsiness (slight)
• hives
• itching of skin
• skin rash
• unusual tiredness or weakness

Although most of these side effects listed below don't happen very often, they could lead to serious problems if you do not check with your doctor or seek medical attention.
Check with your doctor as soon as possible if any of the following side effects occur:

• back or joint pain
• breathing difficulty or wheezing
• chest pain
• cold hands and feet
• confusion
• depression
• dizziness upon arising (orthostatic hypotension)
• fever and sore throat
• hallucinations
• irregular heartbeat
• red, scaling, or crusted skin
• shortness of breath
• slow heartbeat (especially less than 50 beats per minute)
• skin rash
• swelling of ankles, feet, or lower legs
• unusual bleeding or bruising

Some people may experience side effects other than those listed. Check with your doctor if you notice any symptom that worries you while you are taking this medication.

What other drugs could interact with Teva-Propranolol?

There may be an interaction between propranolol and any of the following:

amiodarone antiarrhythmic medications antidiabetes medications (e.g., insulin) asthma medications (e.g., salbutamol, salmeterol) calcium channel blockers (e.g., nifedipine, verapamil) chlorpromazine cimetidine clonidine digoxin diltiazem disopyramide dong quai epinephrine ergot alkaloids (e.g., dihydroergotamine, methysergide) fentanyl haloperidol hydralazine

lidocaine medications that reduce blood pressure mefloquine methimazole methyldopa nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs; e.g., ibuprofen, naproxen) prazosin propafenone quinidine ranitidine selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors(SSRIs; e.g., citalopram, fluoxetine, fluvoxamine paroxetine, sertraline) St. John's wort theophyllines (e.g., theophylline, aminophylline, oxtriphylline) thioridazine verapamil warfarin

 fr:  http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-64439-Abilify+Oral.aspx?drugid=64439

There may be a slightly increased risk of serious, possibly fatal side effects (such as stroke, heart failure, fast/irregular heartbeat, pneumonia) when this medication is used by older adults with dementia. This medication is not approved for the treatment of dementia-related behavior problems. Discuss the risks and benefits of this medication, as well as other effective and possibly safer treatments for dementia-related behavior problems, with the doctor.

Aripiprazole is used to treat certain mental/mood disorders (such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and irritability associated with autistic disorder). It may also be used in combination with other medication to treat depression. Aripiprazole is known as an antipsychotic drug (atypical type). It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural chemicals in the brain (neurotransmitters).
This medication can decrease hallucinations and improve your concentration. It helps you to think more clearly and positively about yourself, feel less nervous, and take a more active part in everyday life. Aripiprazole can treat severe mood swings and decrease how often mood swings occur.

Side effects:

Dizziness, lightheadedness, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, tiredness, excess saliva/drooling, blurred vision, weight gain, constipation, headache, and trouble sleeping may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, tell your doctor or pharmacist promptly.
To reduce the risk of dizziness and lightheadedness, get up slowly when rising from a sitting or lying position.
Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects. Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects.
Tell your doctor right away if you have any serious side effects, including: fainting, mental/mood changes (such as increased anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts), trouble swallowing, restlessness (especially in the legs), shaking (tremor), muscle spasm, mask-like expression of the face, seizures, signs of infection (such as fever, persistent sore throat).

This drug may make you dizzy or drowsy or cause blurred vision. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness or clear vision until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Avoid alcoholic beverages.
This medication can make you more likely to get heat stroke, a very serious condition. Avoid activities that might cause you to overheat (such as doing strenuous work/exercise in hot weather, using hot tubs). When the weather is hot, drink plenty of fluids and dress lightly. If you become overheated, promptly seek cooler shelter and stop exercising.

fr:  http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-7033-Synthroid+Oral.aspx?drugid=7033&drugname=Synthroid+Oral&source=0

Synthroid oral is used to treat the following:

Additional Treatment for Thyroid Cancer, Enlarged Thyroid Gland, Underactive Thyroid, A Progressive Disease of the Thyroid Gland

Common Brand Name(s): Levothroid, Levoxyl, Synthroid, Unithroid

 This medication should not be used for weight loss. Normal doses of this medication will not work for weight loss, and large doses of this medication may cause serious, possibly fatal side effects, especially when taken with diet pills.


Levothyroxine is used to treat an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism). It replaces or provides more thyroid hormone, which is normally produced by the thyroid gland. Low thyroid hormone levels can occur naturally or when the thyroid gland is injured by radiation/medications or removed by surgery. Having enough thyroid hormone is important for maintaining normal mental and physical activity. In children, having enough thyroid hormone is important for normal mental and physical development.
This medication is also used to treat other types of thyroid disorders (such as certain types of goiters, thyroid cancer).
This medication should not be used to treat infertility unless it is caused by low thyroid hormone levels.
How to use Synthroid oral Take this medication by mouth as directed by your doctor, usually once daily on an empty stomach, 30 minutes to 1 hour before breakfast. Take this medication with a full glass of water unless your doctor directs you otherwise.
Dosage is based on your age, weight, medical condition, laboratory test results, and response to treatment.
Use this medication regularly in order to get the most benefit from it. To help you remember, take it at the same time each day.
Do not stop taking this medication without first consulting with your doctor. Thyroid replacement treatment is usually taken for life.
There are different brands of levothyroxine available. Do not change brands without first consulting your doctor or pharmacist.
Certain medications (cholestyramine, colestipol, colesevelam, antacids, sucralfate, simethicone, iron, sodium polystyrene sulfonate, calcium carbonate, orlistat) can decrease the amount of thyroid hormone that is absorbed by your body. If you are taking any of these drugs, separate them from this medication by at least 4 hours.
Symptoms of low thyroid hormone levels include tiredness, muscle aches, constipation, dry skin, weight gain, slow heartbeat, or sensitivity to cold. Tell your doctor if your condition worsens or persists after several weeks of taking this medication.

Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but serious effects of high thyroid hormone levels occur: increased sweating, sensitivity to heat, mental/mood changes (such as nervousness, mood swings), tiredness, diarrhea, shaking (tremor), headache, shortness of breath.
Get medical help right away if any of these rare but serious effects of high thyroid hormone levels occur: chest pain, fast/pounding/irregular heartbeat, swelling hands/ankles/feet, seizures.
A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is rare. However, get medical help right away if you notice any symptoms of a serious allergic reaction, including: rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing.
This is not a complete list of possible side effects. If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your doctor or pharmacist.
 DISCUSS USE OF FIBER WITH DOCTOR.
DISCUSS USE OF SOY PRODUCTS WITH DOCTOR.
DISCUSS COFFEE CONSUMPTION WITH DOCTOR

Part of another post

"Believe it or not - I left the house this morning to meet-up w/ 2 of my girl friends that I haven't seen in 4 yrs.

Shamefully, one lives maybe an hour away and the other is from the USA.

But we picked up right where we'd been.

There was extended talk re: mental health/illness since I am trying to manage with meds."

*the rest deals w/ sex and is on my other blog*


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A bit sad

Today was my last day at OW, technically past my last day but I wanted to catch up T on what's been happening and I was pleased to see M as well.

But they were 2 of my fav ppl there (+ J) and I will miss them.

I did say I'd share my ODSP app if they'd like and they both have my contact details...

Isn't it nice to know there are some honestly kind ppl who help people??

I don't know what to expect from ODSP but I can only hope my worker and/or the ppl I deal w/ are as kind and understanding as M, T and J.

I will really miss them.


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songs

I love music and sometimes I feel like songs define me...

"Pictures of Madness" by the Pleasure Thieves:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL648uZnpNg

"Take Me Away" by the Sleddogs:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDQdXtSoQg4

"Animal Zoo" by Front 242:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nI418Jw5kp4

"Happiness in Slavery" by Nine Inch Nails: http://vimeo.com/3556108

"Wish" also by NIN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuoFiIFkdAA&feature=kp

"Bury My Lovely" by October Project:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puGEpGzk2hk

"1963" by New Order: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBlxkdPPJ-c

"Breath of Life" by Erasure:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sW7QpgO0GU

"Homeward" by VNV Nation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glfH5c_1hYE&feature=kp

"Dead Stars" by Covenant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPnWOem7jok

"End of the World" (acoustic) by Apoptygma Berserk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IexZ7GQHtzM

"Stigmata" by Ministry:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxaPj19VnRA

There are many more but these are the ones that came to mind this morning...

Took Hubs 2.0 out for Father's Day

It was OK...

Too many people.

Got really stressed and anxious.

I couldn't deal.

:(


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The List

OK so I have a list of things i don't know how to bring up with my psychiatrist OR I am afraid to - depends on what it is.

Anyone else feel like this?

Effing up my meds

Totally forgot to take my lunch ones yesterday and almost forgot one (of 2 stupid pills!) today!

I keep waking up just before 6 a.m. And falling asleep my midnight - I am a night owl; I am not used to this shit!

On a thyroid pill now, if I could stop bruising, stubbing and getting my poor feet stepped on, maybe I'd have left the damn house once this wk!!!!

Oh and I have a lot of meds in the a.m. So I am supposed to do empty stomach and wait 30 - 60 mins to eat and can't have antacids and a bunch of other things for 4 hrs after.

Wanna see my morning pills?


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I always feel more down when I am sick

Been sick for days...

Also depressed.

Laundry and dishes piling up again.

I suck.


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Bought jeans today

Used ones.

In a size I've never worn before.

I felt anxious and appalled.

And yet I still feel uninspired, only dePressed.

Fuck!


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Cranky, Bitchy, Grr Arrgh!

I don't know if this is me or hormones or the start of a down after a high...

I feel shitty and angry and alone.

I am still wanting to do work around the house (or really Hubs) to sort through the extraneouS crap.

I just want to curl up and have a good cry. I"m hoping the addition of the thyroid med will help.

Oh and my phone is fucked (not ducked auto-correct!)

*sigh*


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What the hell is wrong than my phone!!!!!!

Here's the meds pic
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The list of wk 1

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New pills in a wk

Plus I am depressed...

This sucks!


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I got approved for ODSP in 16 business days.

I really want to freak on the doctors who refused to help me!

But I won't.

I also will be starting a thyroid pill in my next set of pills.

excerpt from may 27th entry of hand-written journal

excerpt from hand-written journal may 26, 2014

Thoughts sprung from. Doctor Who

Don't know how we'll this is going to go. My phone has been a pain in the ass

Anyway, I think I know why Donna is my fav Companion, deep down inside she truly believed that she was a nobody, a nothing.

I am like that a lot.

Re-watching "The end of time."

Always makes me cry

Why do I need to cry today?

No idea why but I feel like I do

So I'm just gonna go with it.



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Next psych appt

Is Tues at but I never know if he'll be running late or not.

Wondering if I should arrange for someone to pick him up or not as back-up and it's one of his Kung Fu nights

Not sure what to do

Curently taking my own (time out/in) in a bubble bath w/ Pepsi, shortbread cookies and a book 've read before "like all of them."


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Moody

Have been kinda down this wk. Feeling listless and tired. But also not interested in anything really.

Meh.


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Human Sacrifice - Just how dangerous is this for me?

OK, so a lot of us (myself included) have "self-medicated whether it be with drugs, booze, sex, self-harm or all of the previous plus maybe things I've never done so I didn't think of it.

Since the very first time I've been on meds, I am going to a bar.

I'm what you would call a "binge-drinker" I generally do not keep alcohol in my home but out at the bar it can be 5 -25 drinks a night.

It may be dangerous for me tonight but it's a friend's birthday.  I was going to go a few wks ago for a friend's divorce party but then I slammed 3 of my fingers into the garage door and took it as a sign.

Today, I took all my meds but i slept most of the day.

So I took THAT as a sign that I was OK to go.

I guess we'll see!

Wish me luck...

It's been a busy and kind of rough wk

I feel overwhelmed with getting ready for our unit inspection and even though one of my inner circle people tried to show me how to hang stuff, I completely could,kt do it.

Hence tape.
Lots of tape.
To hold up my step-daughter's curtains.

I have a sore throat and I am tired.

I joined an online bipolaR group and we'll see how that goes.

I need to pick some pics for Son"s and Step-Daughter's frames...

I have some other pics that require frames.

We planted flowers for the first time ever. EVER in my life. My parents were big on it but I wasn't.

But I had a dream about my Mom and that prompted me to do it.

Though Hubs did most of the work.


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Med increase

Ok let's see what we are at now:

Clonazepam 0.5; 2 pills 4x/day
Abilify 10 mg; 1 pill 1x/day
Lamictal 100 mg; 5 pills/ day
Propranolol 10 mg; 1 pills 2x/day

Less pills - more dosage


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Nice evening

Last night I went out with one of my old and dear friends from college (the 2nd time I dropped out, not the 1st).

Anyway, she took me out to dinner at ESM's and we talked, a lot.

I suspect that I did most of the talking but it helped - it really did.

It's also made me wonder if my noon meds are too strong...

Anyway, I felt more "normal" with her on the outing.

Today I saw my Mom for Mother's Day and I thanked her for keeping me (rather than terminating me).

I got a bit emotional but I needed to say it.

She was not keen on my meds or my drowsiness, but she does love me...

Go figure.


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I'm bummed

I'm really not going to enjoy it now that "Positive Steps" is over.

After my stint at the day hospital out-patient program - I went downhill.

I hope it doesn't happen again...

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This breaks my heart

I should avoid the news - I get so caught up in it that it keeos me in tears.

The latest is the fact that they finally found the body of a young boy, Robbire Reiner fell into a river near his home after his birthday and bfore xmas.

It keeps making my cry.

Over the years many stories have touched me in this manner and I can't seem to shake it.


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Just checking

MEDS:

0.5 mg (because isn't covered) Clonazepam - 2 pills, 4x/day
10 mg Abilify - 1 pill 1x/day
100 mg Lamictal - 1 & 3/4 pills 3x/day for one wk
10 mg Propanolol 1 pill 2x/day

So that's 16 and 1/4 pills a day, right?

Seriously?

Oh and ALL my test results were apparently good. "Excellent" was the word I believe the good DR used.

I think he may have been shocked.


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Confused by meds

Take a look...



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Crying over a diaper drive

So there is a diaper drive and I keep crying about it. We're donating a full side of one of the large boxes because I remember how terrified I was that I may have to go to a shelter back in '05 when I left Hub v1.0

Plus I participated in counselling and a woman's group at the local shelter back then.

I'm glad we can help but I am finding it really triggering.


Xo


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Waking up in a colourless mood

It's a sunshine day. Moochie and I have already been out but I just feel like crying today.

Tears stream down my face for no reason.

My head aches.

I took my meds but I feel horrible.


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Why does TV make it seem so easy?

I've been watching "Being Erica" on Netflix.

One of my fav shows is "Doctor Who."

I am, frankly, obsessed w/ time travel.

I wonder if I could go back and say proper goodbyes to ppl, if I could not marry Hubs 1, just stick around until I got pregnant and then go.

I wish I could control my weight.

I wish I could go back and protect myself from the things that hurt ne.

I wish I could go back and get my parents to take me for a psych evaluation in my childhood.

I can't help but wonder if there would be a time I could go back to where I wouldn't have this mental illness.

IS there a time or has it always been there?

I can look back and definitely see the highs and lows; peaks and valleys; the way I was so desperately out of control.

Feeling like such an outsider, looking for validation in other people - specifically men.

My self-image was horrible abd it still is,

Where am I within the mental illness?

- anger
- lacking a sense of control
- people pleaser
- confusion
- poor short-term memory
- high sex drive
- separation of emotions and mental state
- is the fear me or it or the illness or both??

I am not such how to think and feel, and I am not sure WHY this is bugging me so much right now (well a slight idea but I'm not ready to talk about it because I don't want to name names.)


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Why does TV make it so easy?

I've been watching "Being Erica" on Netflix.

One of my fav shows is "Doctor Who."

I am, frankly, obsessed w/ time travel.

I wonder if I could go back and say proper goodbyes to ppl, if I could not marry Hubs 1, just stick around until I got pregnant and then go.

I wish I could control my weight.

I wish I could go back and protect myself from the things that hurt ne.

I wish I could go back and get my parents to take me for a psych evaluation in my childhood.

I can't help but wonder if there would be a time I could go back to where I wouldn't have this mental illness.

IS there a time or has it always been there?

I can look back and definitely see the highs and lows; peaks and valleys; the way I was so desperately out of control.

Feeling like such an outsider, looking for validation in other people - specifically men.

My self-image was horrible abd it still is,

Where am I within the mental illness?

- anger
- lacking a sense of control
- people pleaser
- confusion
- poor short-term memory
- high sex drive
- separation of emotions and mental state
- is the fear me or it or the illness or both??

I am not such how to think and feel, and I am not sure WHY this is bugging me so much right now (well a slight idea but I'm not ready to talk about it because I don't want to name names.)


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Busy freakin' few days!

OK so yesterday I had a psych appt and he's still tweaking my meds.

He also ordered some blood work and an EKG.

I've been failing over and bumping into thing quite a bit. It's very embarrassing and it HURTS!

He should get the results by Tues. I am hoping he can tell me via the telephone.

I got my CPP-D application submitted and then I had to submit my ODSP paperwork - I almost faxed it off but was told by OW (The ppl on the 4th floor) that it needed to be submitted there to my OW worker.

So I had them date stamp the outside of the envelope and put my worker's code number on it and kept a photocopy of that, at least, for myself - I had planned on sending then via Purolater where they'd have to sign on receipt.

So I also had to get my envelope stapled and taped because it was in such rough shape.

Oh and Boy-o is getting glasses. The Rxs on Hubs and mine changed and OW covers $200. The rest we'll have to cover.

OW never said there was an issue when I phoned and asked the general person I got but our worker seemed a bit disgruntled jn a msg she left this a.m. (Though maybe the meds are having me read into it incorrectly.)

Nap time now - exhausted!!!


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	I think the meds are helping iver all but I am very. Aleept atm.