Apparently it takes a wk for the files

Called ex-family DR's office today - was told it's $25 for copies of all mental health records, breast-related records, cardiology-related records & for records re: my LEEP.

Had to pay up-front (sent Hubs to do it) and the reciept is very non-specific.


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Still no luck

The name of the DR I was told about is in a different area and only take patients from that area.

I had a cry about that.

Still no word re: my medical files that *I* want copies of.

On Wed, I spoke to one of the receptionists and explained why I was leaving the practice and said I wanted to know how much it would be for copies of the following:

-anything in my file to do with mental health
- everything from the cardiologist
- everything re: my breast health

No one called me on Wed.

I called back on Thurs and was told it was $75 for tranferring my complete file to a new DR.

I re-explained that I didn't have a new DR yet and what I wanted and added that I'd also want any and all info related to a LEEP I had done by my OBGYN at the local hospital.

This receptionist (different from the one on Wed) said the note for the DR *had* specified exactly that. And she said she'd get back to me.

No phone calls from the DR office the rest of Wednesday or today.

Of course this is the same DR who took from March - till Sept to properly fill out a referral so I should not be surprised.

I know that, legally, he cannot deny me my records if I pay for them. But I just feel like he's deliberately stalling to fuck with me.


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Breakthrough, breakdown or just another day in my effing brain??

Middle of the night last night had my mind whirling out of control.

Was feeling so hopeless and powerless that I started to examine in my head exactly why I DON'T kill myself.

Suicidal ideation is like my shadow - sometimes it gets worse and I freak out but generally, it doesn't usually phase me.

But last night I was going over in my head all the times in the past where I've been at that point.

Bottom line is that I always decide to hang on because of the people I love.

Which is good, because it *does* keep me here BUT why is it - why is it that it never occurs to me or feels like I need to stick around for myself???

So I don't know how to describe the state I'm in. I get like this sometimes - it's like joy and happiness are behind an unbreakable glass wall - I can see it, I can sort of fake it but it's beyond me right now.

And it was the further thinking (which I am NOT comfortable writing about - no point in giving the universe ideas) that made me finally fire my family DR today - because part of the reason I feel hopeless and powerless is because he doesn't listen to me and doesn't respect me.

I've been unhappy being his patient since early 2006 but my fear of change kept me sticking with him.

Isn't that one of the definitions of crazy - doing the same thing and expecting a different result??

His office never phoned back today...

Of course I am immediately thinking it's because he's shredding my mental health assessments while laughing diabolically.

Or he was too busy popping champagne because he's been covertly trying to get me to remove myself as his patient for years and I was too naïve to realize it...

But I don't need the extra burden of negativity that being his patient and being at loggerheads with him brought upon me.


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Called DR's office to remove myself from the roster

Feeling terrified.

Worried DR will remove things from my file.

Wondering what sort of price (which is unregulated and set by the DR) I'll be charged for all pages in my file relating to my mental health, mammograms and the cardiologist.

Freaking out.

Got on a waiting list. No idea how many people are already on there.

*sigh*
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Everything is bloody pointless

Bottom line appears to be that I'll have to fire my DR; pay for my records and then DR shop till I find a good one (if that's possible) and one who will read my records and fill in the ODSP application.

*IF* I manage to accomplish all that - then I have no idea how long it is until ODSP decides.

I feel like it's all pointless and stressful and there's no guarantee that any of this will help.

Been bummed all day.

Back up to 300 Wellbutrin as of yesterday.

We'll see how it all goes.

Life sucks.


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Compulsive hair pulling

Not pulling people's hair but compulsively pulling out my own hair and wrapping it into balls and then throwing them out.

Anyone else do this?

I've done it since I was a little kid.

In my teens I actually had a small bald area because back then I always pulled from the same spot.

Now I know enough not to do that.

I also bit my nails and pick and peel hang nails. I also have always picked off scabs.

And I love peeling sunburned skin.

Is this part of the bipolar disorder?

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Inordinately upset

Overall, it's been a decent day - pretty good even.

The weather was beautiful, the kids were good, I ran errands with my Mom (I have/had 2 moms), visited my grandma, briefly saw my sister.

Hubs made a nice dinner.

That being said, the end of my day has me feeling quite upset. Hubs was giving me a hard time over something he disagreed with & didn't drop it so I ended up having to partially address a long-time situation re: my sense of self-worth that existed before I ever knew Hubs.

He FINALLY got to the point where he saw beyond the surface and apologized.

However; I'm already down here - feeling like crap.

talking about it won't make me feel better. Neither will crying about it.

It's one of those things that I have to just accept.

But it's not easy. And it's something I've struggled with for over 20 years.

If I had somewhere to go - I'd go in the car and just drive but it's not the right time of year for that.

Our town is overrun with beer enthusiasts, enjoying a good polka at various festhalls.

Not a good time to be driving.

But I don't want to be here either...




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Does it ever get better?

I recently found a diary I briefly kept in 2004.

By this point in my life, I hadn't been doing much hand-written journalling like I had when I was younger.

I was more into livejournal.com at that point in time.

But on occasion I did sometimes physically write down my thoughts and feelings.

Here are some things that still apply to me NOW...

After a therapy session:

"...my big takeaway was her point that emotions/feelings aren't rational so that spending time trying to rationalize one's feelings is like running in a hamster wheel. Feelings just are.

"I need to exist now. Not in my past, not in the future."

*this is still a major challenge for me!!

My Mom:

"I've told friends before I learned to not experience emotions at my mother's knee... I wasn't kidding."

"She gave me some grief over my therapy appt, reminding me that when things bother you, you're supposed to throw them over your shoulder and not look back."

Introspection:

"What are the strong emotions I think I experience the most? Fear, anger, anxiety, joy. 3 to 1. That sucks.

"I am a pessimist because it feels safer but I can still sometimes dream."

"I'm thankful for the same things/reasons/people daily & I guess I take that for granted because I still find myself attempting to assign weight to things. Like these are the things I'm thankful for but the way I feel about [terminal cancer diagnosis for someone I still love and miss 9 yrs after her death] is over-shadowing everything else."

Meds:

"I waver between hopefulness and despair. There is no middleground, not even a chemically-induced one. I stopped taking the Celexa because I don't want to have a false sense of security. I need to know that everything that happens and that everything I feel is real."

**I had started cutting myself for probably the first time since high school because nothing felt real to me.

Facts:

"I tend to be naïve, gullible & over-trusting. I also feel the need to fix and to help and put all my energy into trying to make a positive difference for others because it's where I created my sense of self-worth."

"...the biggest thing I am feeling right now is POWERLESS."

"...in my life I use words as a shield and a weapon. If I can fully put something into words then I don't necessarily have to feel it."

**still true

Confession:

"It's difficult not to get mad at myself for not handling this all better. I feel like having human weaknesses is unacceptable."

** I still feel this way about myself. I'd never be this hard on someone I love and care about so why is it my first reponse to myself? Where is my love and compassion for ME from me?

And, a poem I wrote back then...

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Feeling apprehensive

Have appt #2 with MSW at OW.

I've been plagued with late night paranoia and fears. I even erased what I was writing because I felt like my heart was being squeezed.

I used to think if I wrote out or thought out my fears and worst-case scenarios - it would prepare me for the worst but now I fear it would release things into the world I do not want.

Giving false intentions to the Universe.

Giving power to things that would destroy me.

So that's all I am going to write about that.

It's too hard to explain even if I could.

Not sure what I am going to talk about at my appt tmw.

I had considered doing a short-form cheat sheet of sorts for MSW re: my issues & external factors that exacerbate them.

But I didn't.

I guess I'll wing it depending how I feel.

Sometimes I wish there was a "how-to" participate in therapy.

If this is a test, I'm probably failing.


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Slowing down

My mood is dropping, as is my energy.

Also finally got my period.

Connected? I don't know.

OW worker called today to tell me about a job fair I should send Hubs to.

But she didn't actually talk to him or ask to talk to him.

So why am I the middleperson?

Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive...


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Charges for your own medical records

Who governs this?

I called my family DR's office to ask (using *67 so they wouldn't know it was me) how the process works.

If a patient wants copies of anything - it's on paper (not digital format) and is $1/page.

If it's a transfer of care and is your whole file - it's a "lump sum" but it's up to the DR discretion & is delivered directly to the new DR.

So right there is another thing that traps ppl with DRs that they aren't happy with.

I know my file is thick - been there as a patient for just over a decade.

So how much is that going to cost on a limited income????

I read an article where a Kingston woman was charged over $600 for her own medical records.

(http://www.cbc.ca/m/touch/canada/thunder-bay/story/1.1305279)

I know when my previous DR left her practice (and I ended up w/ my current DR) that there was a number to call and an automated msg informed me (in 2002) it would be $1000 for my medical records.

I did not get them - no way could I afford that.

How much worse would it be now???

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health/want-your-medical-records-be-prepared-to-pay-a-lot/article9755471/

http://www.cpso.on.ca/policies/policies/default.aspx?ID=1686


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So much on my mind

You know how when you get a new car, suddenly you see that make and model everywhere? Or like how it seems everyone is pregnant the same time you are?

I can't stop the memories popping up.

I've been trying to stay up till the point of exhaustion (2 - 3 a.m. And then I'm up between 7 and 8 a.m.) But still - my mind whirls.

B.M. from college who attempted to assault me when we were hanging out. That was over 20 yrs ago - and he didn't manage to do it (though I did have a handcuff mark on the wrist he caught).

Then there's the creepy memory of being in the basement of an uncle -- Adam West's Batman on the TV... I really don't seem to remember more than that and that's OK. I can't deal with anything else right now.

Meds still have me hypo - but I'm riding the wave, channelling it into productivity.

Been returning phone calls and emails I've been avoiding. Reaching out to services, even did some exercising last night around 1 a.m.

Christ - just texting this post has my heart racing.

Trying to breathe.

No reply from mental health advocate yet - but when I left the msg, his outgoing greeting indicated he wasn't in the office until today.

Oh and I signed up for a one-day seminar "Raising your Spirited Child" -- hoping it's not too crowded.

Called about stress therapy group and anger mgmt groups (one for adults, one for Tweens and Teens).

All are Tuesday evenings which conflict with other activities our family participates in.

Still highly agitated.

From hyper to angry in seconds depending on external environment.

Craving chocolate like a mofo but perimenopause is totally fucking with me.

Had two periods last month with 18 days between them and now it's been 35 days (I think) since my last one.

Is the universe piling up on me like this because I'm still not coping or surviving well mentally?

Or is it my sense of my own fragility that scares me so much right now?


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