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Saturday, 21 July 2012

I'm a bipolar newbie

So yeah, it may sound completely silly but honestly, even though I've got a number of friends who have bipolar disorder, some who I've known (and have also known of their diagnosis) for years - getting this diagnosis for myself is like going from heavy petting with a cute guy to suddenly being a single mom of a baby with colic in the blink of an eye.

I'm overwhelmed, I'm unprepared, I knew what was going on before and could pretty much control that (switch heavy petting with living with depression, anxiety, panic & PTSD -- which, fyi is nowhere near as pleasurable as heavy petting BUT makes your heart race more, at least in my experience...) but now I don't know whether or not to cry, scream, run away, throw things or do all of them in various moments and then eat some comfort food.

I received my diagnosis less than a month ago, so when I say newbie, I really mean it.  I am not shining you on here.

We're trying medication.

Right now my daily medications are: Cipralex 20 mg, Wellbutrin 300 mg & Topamax 50 mg (I think the Topamax is supposed to increase to 100 mg daily, but I will double-check with my psychiatrist at my next appointment).

I also have been attending peer-led group therapy which I really enjoy and I am looking into some other therapy as well and have been diving into some reading as well.

But it's hard to assimilate all this information and to deal with all these emotions I am having.

See, I've always been what people would call "sensitive" or "over-wrought" or even "overly-emotional."  Also "hyper" was a word I often heard in childhood.

So to combat that, as I grew older, I decided it would be helpful to be more analytical and it did help, although it also created a separation between my feelings and reality to some extent.  A bit of a distance, or a bit of protection.  I guess it depends on who is looking at it and from what perspective, right?

Looking at it that way, this should be no different to me than any other label or diagnosis.  I don't feel any differently about any of my BPD friends. And yet, I'm having a hell of a tough time dealing right now.


I think if we get down to brass tacks, it is mainly because of my kids.  What does it mean to them?  Do they have it?  I am really worried that my husband's major depression may actually be BPD as well, mainly because the anti-depressants don't seem to be doing much for him at all.

And if we both have it???

Is our family right and royally screwed?

It makes me afraid.

And it's all out of my control.

I'd really like to drink myself silly tonight.  My psychiatrist says that doing that is my way of self-medicating.  He says that I shouldn't do it.  Some of my BPD friends agree that I shouldn't do it, especially because of the medications I am on.

So is it the BPD that makes me want to defy them or is it leftover teenage rebelliousness that I didn't use up back when I was a teenager?

Wish me well (even though I know no one is reading this because I just created it).


  1. I wish you the best on your new journey into bipolarland. Just keep going, never quit, pray, and have hope! Take care, Jeff


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