Why is outside validation (aka sexual attraction) so important?

You know how when you are a child and you are being viciously bullied and abused in a variety of ways by other children?

You don't?      Seriously?

Oh sorry, I guess that was just me...

Fuck.

OK, anyway -- you know how you go home crying, bruised and bleeding, spitting dirt out of your mouth, snot dripping from your nose and telling your parents that the other kids are really, really mean and nobody likes you?

And then your Mom or your Dad or whomever your caregiver is usually tells you that the boy (or those boys) are just mean to you because they like you and that the girl (or girls) are just mean to you because they are jealous that the boy(s) like you.

*Note: if none of this sounds familiar to you, then my childhood is even more messed up than I previously thought!

So then your caregiver tells you that they like you. And you sniffle and wipe away a mixture of tears, snot and dirt and say with disdain and distrust, " You have to say that, because you're my Mom/Dad/caregiver/Grandma!" etc...

With a sigh, you are told to go clean yourself up and are promised a treat when you come back out.  It might be a toy, a book, a trip to Dairy Queen for ice cream, or maybe Mom will bake some cookies or it'll be your favourite meal for dinner that night.

As you get older, you see how the people who are perceived to be attractive are treated versus how the other people are treated and if you live in the same town and go to school with many of the same people your entire life, you tend to be pigeon-holed as who they decided you were in kindergarten.

Despite wanting to be liked, I never went out of my way to fit in.  I was just myself, though often quieter.  Once I first learned the term, I considered myself a non-conformist.

But all that did not stop me from wanting men, even men I hated, from finding me physically attractive.

Even if it was something rude, or gross, or wildly inappropriate, I'd still get an inner charge when I'd hear someone say something about me being attractive, or "doable" because even though most of the time I felt like I was from a different planet -- those sort of comments made me feel like I had some sort of secret or super power.

When I feel really low, I am prone to a bit of retail therapy and then I dress up, go out with my friends and if I get hit on, especially by strangers - I get such a charge, such a rush from it that it's like the best high in the world without doing anything illegal.

Of course, when I was single, that sort of thing resulted in a lot of reckless sexual encounters and one night stands (sometimes longer when I found the men harder to get rid of than anticipated).

And even now, I am happily (most of the time) married to a very affectionate man and have 3 wonderful kids but last night I came home just flying high on all the positive attention I received when I was out with my friends last night.

I did NOT get drunk.

I just had a really fun night.

Though I forgot to take my night pill.

Hopefully that doesn't mess with my too much today.

So, why is that external validation so important?  I got hit on by a few younger men.  One of my former lovers was very flirty and even asked if my husband and I might be interested in a third.

I felt beautiful and sexy and desirable last night.

It was a nice change because I really hate my body from the stomach down and often fantasize about slicing my stomach fat off and throwing it in the trash.

The strike-over, I think that is my plan for when I write things that might be a bit too scary to write.  I won't delete the words, but I'll do that in case I ever do pick up any readers so you know that I panicked immediately after writing those words.