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Thursday, 26 July 2012

I spent most of Wednesday playing Twister with Fear


Every time I took a step in one direction, it blocked me.  One, slippery, inky, immoveable foot on red, a long, strong, arm on yellow, toppling me over, like a turtle on its back.  Unable to flip over and get its bearings.

MOH and I had a big talk with our young man today who had some legitimate questions about the upheaval that's been going on lately and that, for once, have not been focused on the emotional/neurological issues of himself or his older sister.

He actually timed me the other day.  As soon as I walked in the door from my peer support group, which was followed by a smaller peer social outing for a cool beverage of a non-alcoholic variety, my pride and joy looked at me as if I had broken curfew and said, in an affronted tone, "MOM!  Do you know you've been gone for exactly 4 hours and 15 minutes?!?!?!"

To which I replies, "No I didn't.  Thanks for telling me, honey."

Then I ruffled his hair and gave him a smooch on the forehead.  Apparently not the reaction he was looking for.

He was gearing for a fight.

Now if it's one thing the more verbal members of our family have in common is that we all seem to leap into verbal sparring in the blink of an eye.  We're yellers and interrupters and we all like to get the last word.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Every single one of us is convinced that we are, without fail, almost always right.  (And you know that can't be the case since everyone should know that I am right at least 88% of the time!)

I was taking a break from my BPD 2 reading and reading about ADD/ADHD since I have been convinced, for years, that MOH has it - in part because our oldest girl has it and because in reading about it a few years ago so much of it sounded like him (granted, at the time I did say that a good portion sounded like me but I thought I was being some sort of hypochondriac or something) and, of course, along with my BPD 2 diagnosis, I was also diagnosed with ADHD.

So when I was doing this reading last night, I got very scared because I started to wonder if our young man, who already has an ASD diagnosis, might have a co-morbid case of ADHD that has gone undiagnosed.

And then I have to wonder - what does that mean for our not-so-little-one? The lover of pink, coins, shoes and animals?

So those were the fears I was wrapped up in today.

What in the world would it mean if EVERYONE in our family has some form of neurological disorder?

How could we survive as a family?

Would we self-destruct?

If we did, would it all be my fault because I took to many years to get some real help for my own issues?

Playing Twister with Fear, my friends.

And Fear is one nasty bitch of a player.

You know why?

Because she'll trip you, she'll push you and then she'll try to hold you down until you just give up.

But I don't feel like giving up right now.

Hopefully I will still feel that way tomorrow.

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