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Friday, 27 July 2012

The white noise instead of the negative self-talk

How many of you understand this one?

Before I was on any medication - I had this constant stream of negative self-talk that often passed as general commentary on everything I did or thought and it would be in my head, rather than actually in my ears but yet I would hear it in my own voice.

Honestly, I thought that's how it was for everyone because that's how it was for me for as far back as I could remember.

It was also why I often would (and sometimes still do, though now it's out of habit) talk out loud to myself when I am thinking about something or doing something.

However; once I started talking the Cipralex it made a a huge impact on that and it was suddenly so strangely QUIET in my head that I felt like things had become surreal.

Now that I am fairly adjusted to my 20 mg/day I can assess the effect and say that it has taken away about 75% of all that "noise" - that commentary/negative talk and what I can best describe as something that feels like digital white noise. 

I still get it sometimes, and it's most noticeable when I first wake up or when I am trying to get to sleep but it's nowhere what it once was.

Sometimes, I still get a touch of the racing thoughts at night or when I wake up from a dream, or when I am startled by something during the day but again, it is vastly improved over where it was.

I did bring up with my psychiatrist - I'm going to call him Dr. Calm - the fact that I feel like the decrease in the anxiety has brought the depression to the forefront and made it worse, or made me feel the full impact of it because I am less distracted by the anxiety as I have been for all these years prior.

The only side effects I am noticing from my meds thus far are the dry mouth and the extra sensitivity to heat (ugh!)

Oh and I should note that the Wellbutrin is still 300 mg/day but the Topamax is 150/day now.

I added a number of bipolar-related blogs to read when I started this one because, like I said in my first post, I'm still really a bipolar newbie.

It's good for myself and MOH to do some reading on this.

At this rate, I'm never going to finish Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter...

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