MOH woke up a bit surly. There was quite the storm last night, so we didn't get the best night's sleep ever.
Then there was the continuing drama of Little Big Planet II. And just now, I am hearing, "Dad's a dumb-face. I hate him!" And our 10-year-old is stomping around the house with the anger and misery that only an ASD child can.
There's head-butting and kicking and excessive name-calling from him. He's calling us "stupid" and "murderers" and "liars". He's spitting and choking himself and saying he can't calm down. He can't sit. He can't sit on the stairs. He can't jump on his trampoline. He can't go in his room until he settles down. He can't sit with me. He can't stop talking. He can't do anything that I suggest he try to calm himself.
How much of this is ASD? How much of this is being a 10-year-old boy? Or is it that he has ADHD or ODD or freaking BPD???
This is the sort of thing that makes me want to swallow an entire bottle of pills - not to die, but to get away from all this for awhile. To just escape.
I imagine this is where people decide to go to respite perhaps?
And right now as I type MOH is yelling at me.
Because, as I said last night, our house is full of hot tempers and sometimes - I just can't deal with it.
I'm sure in a few minutes, I'll be able to pull myself together enough that, to look at me, know one would ever suspect how often I feel this way inside but it just so happened that this all happened right now so you are getting a slice of the stuff I just joke away, as if I'm kidding.
But I'm not.
At this point in my life, I really don't want to DIE, but I do often just want to escape - into a coma so I don't have to face any of this, I don't have to deal with any of this and then maybe when I'd wake up, somehow, magically, things would be better.
Or I'd be stronger and it wouldn't hurt so much to try to keep everything together and make things better for everyone.
I know I need to work on myself and my journey but as a parent - I need to do all I can to help and support my kids with what they are going through, whether or not they welcome it or even understand it.
And as a spouse, I also need to do that for MOH but so often I feel like none of them really understand how much of my energy and focus I use for them because I love them.
And although I think respite would probably be a a saving grace for me -- how could I do it?
Do I think MOH could handle the kids without me for a week?