My kid totally called me on something today

So I had no choice but to leave the house today because the one thing I make sure of is that my kids aren't missing out.

MOH's back is too messed up to be at son's event today so here I am.

Well I was talking to one of my friends and son was listening in and this wise child said, "why do you say negative things about yourself all the time? You always tell us to think positive and to say and believe good things about ourselves but you don't do it about yourself. "

My answer, "no one told me not to do that when I was a kid."

My son's reply, "but you always say good things about us and everybody else so it should be easy to do it about yourself."

Me, "you're right... It should."

That's all I've got for now and I've been informed that yesterday's was cut off so I'll have to remember to fix that later when I'm on a computer and not a phone.


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Watching "Touched by an Angel" never makes me feel better

Now don't get me wrong... I always liked watching the show when it originally aired, sometimes it moved me, sometimes it didn't.

Mostly I liked when Andrew (RIP John Dye) was in the episode because he was a good-looking "every man" kind of guy.

I used to watch the show with my Mom... She liked when Randy Travis or someone else she liked would turn up as a guest star.

Going farther back, I can tell you that my parents and I used to watch "Highway to Heaven" together and earlier than that it was "Little House on the Prairie."

We liked those shows and their feel good messages and their
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Feeling lousy

I have no energy and am constantly tired. I am napping during the day, often going to bed before midnight and if MOH leaves me alone, I am sleeping until 10 or 11 a.m.

What the hell is going on here???

I did manage to go out the other day and touch base with one of our other friends who has been having a rough time lately.

Though when I got home, I was pretty much ready for bed.

Same thing on Sunday when I made it out to the historical society for some research... I was asleep about 15 minutes after I got home.

I haven't been online much lately. Instead I've been reading a lot of titillating vampire-based books that used to have real plots but now are basically the authors masturbatory fantasies in print... which is why I stopped reading her, because if I want erotica - I'll go read it, but I was bored so since they didn't cost me anything, I thought "what the hell."

My headspace is odd in that I am really quite horny but it's all mental because I don't have the energy to take the iniative to start anything but if MOH can rev me up, then we're good to go.

So reading helps satisfy the urges that I am too tired to act upon.

I don't know what else to write.


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Quiet time

MOH and sick girl are curled up in bed.

I think I am going to curl up on the couch with some leftover Chinese food for breakfast, a morning Pepsi for my caffenine fix, take my pills and watch a movie.

No phone, no internet, just quiet.

Wish me luck!

Guess the universe didn't like the respite idea

So I don't talk about everything on here obviously.

I've been feeling pretty bad. I haven't gone out and socialized since the last time I posted here about it.

I shaved my legs for the first time in awhile the other day.

And I haven't been having baths. It's like when I feel bad I feel the need to punish myself because I am allowing myself to feel bad or something.

So I have showers, which I don't enjoy as much, instead.

I've spent a lot of time hiding out in the house watching movies. And now the wee girl seems to have the chicken pox.

So MOH and I had been talking about me going to respite for a few days because of how emotionally exhausted I've been feeling but with a sick toddler that's out of the question now.

I just tried to snap a pic of her back but I don't know if it worked. Gotta lay down w her and try to get her to nap now anyway...

Later all.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Huh???

Ruh-roh...

Wtf just happened?

Only people who know me in real life will know this but if they took notes on all the things I could cover during a half hour conversation, the notes would be surprisingly verbose.

That being said, Dr. Calm has minimal notes on our previous sessions, as I learned when he showed me the few sentences he wrote down from each to prove his point of view on things we had and had not discussed.

I don't feel like getting into all the details but, bottom line, he got a good look at how I view things and think about things after the fact.

I got a good look at him behaving like a confused human. And a completely domineering ass.


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

How does boredom factor in to stupid or harmful impulses?

I'd really like to know...

I am aware how boredom can negatively impact weight loss or healthy eating regimes but I think it can have a similar impact on mental health.

Being bored or sad or lonely or just ALONE can give us that time to dwell on things we shouldn't.

And it's the worst time to suddenly find yourself aligning with "the now."

I don't know about the rest of you but much of my life is spent far away from "the now."

You see I think a lot of us bounce between dwelling on the things we can't change from the past and all our fears about the future.

While if we try and ground ourselves in the moment, to be present in the here and now, we fear (or at least I do) that everything will catch up to us at once and we will be overwhelmed once and for all.

Beaten and battered from all sides without surcease.

It's hard enough to breathe now, I can't afford to let anything else pile on.

It's all too much and there's no way for me to find peace and refuge from any of it.

I can only hide as much as I can until my mood shifts a bit again.


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Defeated by the dread machines - attempt #2

*Note to self - Don't let toddler grab phone when starting a blog post because MOH is addicted to the internet

The pictures are of the machines I couldn't adjust and/or use properly (arrgh!)

The machine I could use the highest amount of weight on for my reps was the calf press I think.

I also went to group and shared my current self-disgust and increased feelings of body hate.

I swear I am just all over the place. It's like I have a cacophony of issues and sometimes one thing manages to get louder than the rest to attract more of my attention

Similar to how my extremes in the area of anxiety and panic masked so much of my depression and anger.



Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Defeated by the dread machines

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

A bit of fangirl SQUEEness

So I created a Twitter account to go with this blog and I had made a post the other day and I noticed that Alison Arngrim (actress, author & activist) re-tweeted it.

And I thought it was so damn cool that I had to screen capture it and post it to my blog.

Thundercat & Doctor Who art

Today MOH went to an event at a comic store and Marcus To (who did my art) as well as Richard Zajac were doing sketches for people for charitable donations.

I normally don't spend on things like this but I had been hanging on to a small bit of cash specifically for this for myself so MOH went down there and I am going to post the images.

I *adore* the Thundercats one and I like the Doctor Who one but I am worried that if one was just to look at the Doctor's face that you might not be able to tell which Doctor it is and the TARDIS is missing its light on the top.

What do you think? Am I over-thinking the piece like MOH says?


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Pirate booty

OK so this was how I thought to depict a pirate. Remember, I'm trying to keep this anonymous.

I had my measurements done at the gym last night.

Here comes my ultimate embarrassment.

Chest 44 (though that's wearing 2 sports bras to try to contain them)
Waist 44 (are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!)
Hips 55 and 1/2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Left thigh 33
Right thigh 31

BMI 41.4
% of body fat 49.4

Muscle weight 125.8
Fat weight 123

So I need a pirate to steal some of my booty.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

What makes a penis like a walrus tusk?

Yesterday I bought a pregnancy test because I was late and I was thinking that another late life pregnancy was just the sort of challenge I could see the Universe tossing at me.

I decided I'd do the test this morning. And, had it been positive - we'd have been racking our brains trying to figure out how to prepare because it would've meant we would have been having a surprise.

Instead, I could tell by how I felt that my better-late-than-never period was showing up after all.

And I felt a bit sad for that non-existent entity that shall never be because, frankly, we don't want any more kids and aren't planning on any and have taken steps to prevent them but since nothing but abstinence is 100% well the 38 or 39 days between cycles had me worried.

The other odd thing? MOH and I were trying to explaining tucking left or right and positioning one's genitalia in one's pants to my son and he said the funniest thing.

He said it usually just seems to want to point down.

I said he probably didn't want to get it used to that.

Then he agreed with me because he didn't want his penis to be like a walrus tusk!!!

Oh and not nearly as odd as that... Bought some things and in a pocket of a shirt I found a business card.

Should I look at the website???


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

What would have been perfect...

i would have loved to have had a nice bubble bath and then curled up in a cool room with a good book with a cold glass of lactose free milk and a small bowl of chocolate covered almonds.

Maybe Tuesday I'll get lucky.

I'm starting to feel tired so I am going to go up to bed now.

Gotta get up in the morning, take boy-o to school and toddler to daycare.  Then maybe a quick trip to the grocery store.

Tonight, thankfully, my son was kind and went to bed without a fuss and we even had time for a bit of a cuddle on the couch first.

Though my 2-year-old seemed to be practicing for some loudest, shriekiest toddler laughing contest for the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY today.

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love her.  I do.

My ears... not quite as much as the rest of me.

I was entertained though when she was looking at some old pictures and she proclaimed a picture of me at the age of 4 as my younger sister and one of me at the age of 1 or 2 as actually being herself.

This was much nicer than when I was looking at a video of The Bloggess' Indigo moment and my toddler kept calling The Bloggess "Mommy" much to my chagrin.

I can see where she was confused, brunettes, with prominent breasts, wearing similar glasses, talking.

But I was thrilled actually when she thought the picture of me as a toddler was a picture of her because people always say the kids don't look like me and it drives me crazy... umn, crazier???

Ha!

OK - g'night!

Apparently a temper tantrum is enough to exhaust me (or it's PMS)

For the second night in a row my son has decided to pitch a fit about going to bed. Including the excuse-ridden go-to stalls of:
- I forgot to take my melatonin
- I'm still hungry
- I need another (drink, hug, kiss, cuddle)
- I can't sleep

Then it turns into a complete refusal to go or to stay in his bed/room.

I say it nicely.
"No!"
I say it firmly.
"No!"
I remind him of the consequences.
It just deteriorates. And my anxiety and stress just build.
I remind him about doing what we ask the first time to help me stay healthy.
It makes no difference.
MOH and I stop engaging with him.
His response is to get louder, knock things over, throw things, and to yell that he won't do what we want because we are making him angry.

When he finally does go to bed, I just want to bawl my eyes out.

This happened last night too.

I have less and less energy to cope with this.

Sometimes I feel like one of these days after one of his tantrums, when I get a moment to catch my breath to cry, or to bury my face in my pillow and scream that I'll just cease to exist.

EDITED TO ADD:

According to the online tracking site I use... it could be the fact that I am PMSing.

The site thinks my period should have been here on the 26th.  But my period is not always regular.

Here's the proof (the following is the number of days between cycles):

 27 days

27 days

25 days

26 days

35 days

27 days

25 days

27 days

2011

29 days

18 days

30 days

34 days

20 days

33 days

25 days

27 days

30 days

33 days

31 days

29 days

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Why are so many negative words associated with women?

I was thinking about this the other day.

The words hurled as insults...

The C word, bitch, slut, whore, douchebag, tramp. Even words like princess can be used as an insult.

Yet someone who is ballsy and cocksure - those are generally considered positive things.

Go figure!


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Feeling in a better mood today

So the panic attack/paranoia thing had me really off-kilter yesterday and getting dragged out by some of my friends and having a few drinks gave me an opportunity to dance the tensions off.

And I realize as I type that statement that it comes across as one of self-defense or denial or something....

But I don't know how else to express it.

All i can say that when my beautiful friend picked me up that she and I had some lengthy girl talk and then i caught her up a bit on my mental state and then we went in and she bought me the shooter and my first vodka & 7.

And my friends bought me 2 more before the night was over.

So willpower 0.

I need to find something HEALTHY that can make me feel as relaxed and happy as alcohol consumption can.

Maybe it will be the gym?  

A local gym had an amazing deal on.  A few of my friends have memberships there and one of my friends has worked there for about 3 years so it gives it some credibility of safety and the gym itself has had a good vibe the times I've been through there.

MOH and I both got memberships because at $10/month per person, how can you go wrong?

It will help us get healthier, which is important in our 40s, especially when our youngest won't be 3 until next year.

And exercise is supposed to help people with bipolar, depression etc...

I am irritated because even though MOH arranged to have someone come over and see him today - he hasn't tidied up anything since making those arrangements days ago.

OK so maybe I'm only in a marginally better mood today.

True confessions

From the bar...

1 polar bear shooter
3 vodka and 7s
Confessions muist wait time todance again



Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I missed an opportunity to post whilst I was freaking out

Today we decided to walk to the school to check out Son's class assignment. Daughter is starting a whole new school and will be riding a school bus for 7th grade and the tiny dictator only has a few hrs a wk at daycare to help improve her skills.

Even though it was very quiet out today. It was/is not a strong mental health day for me.

I am finding it more difficult to be out like that, where there is no where to hide, no reason to walk away, no distractions, no safety in numbers.

Yes MOH is there but so are two of my vulnerable children.

I am too exposed.

In the car, in a building, safety with some trusted others is ok.

But walking to and from my car sucks.

What do I do now???


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network