Pirate booty

OK so this was how I thought to depict a pirate. Remember, I'm trying to keep this anonymous.

I had my measurements done at the gym last night.

Here comes my ultimate embarrassment.

Chest 44 (though that's wearing 2 sports bras to try to contain them)
Waist 44 (are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!)
Hips 55 and 1/2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Left thigh 33
Right thigh 31

BMI 41.4
% of body fat 49.4

Muscle weight 125.8
Fat weight 123

So I need a pirate to steal some of my booty.
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