excerpt march 29th from hand-written journal

Dosages

So by the weekend I should be at the full doses assigned by my psychiatrist...

200 mg Lamictal (two 100 mg doses daily)

20 mg Clonazepam (two 5 mg doses and one 10 mg dose)

Not as depressed by not happy either.

More neutral and apathetic.

Anxiety is quite a bit down though.


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So freakin' tired

So I somewhat lost my shit today.

Whether it started because of the 3:51 a.m. phone call from someone else I am close to who battles mental illness or a build up of emotional exhaustion somewhat related to said person on TOP of my own grab-bag of insanity or what...

BUT

I exploded.

Got some stuff done myself, Hubs got some done (though lots more to do in kitchen for him and living rm & dining room for me).

Kids not very helpful, creating more work by "helping" or by needing step-by-step instructions on how to help.

I say this a lot but I hate living like this, I hate the apathy and the lack of energy and the disaster we live in until I blow up like a volcanic whirlwind and start doing stuff while the rest of the family must join in or be on the receiving end of my freak out(s).

This is not the fun high of furniture rearranging.

This is the anger at my belief that the house in such a horrid state reflects the fact that no one loves or cares about me - not even myself.

Logically, I *know* Hubs and the kids love me but the inner me, the tiny, child me - feels unloveable and takes all these unspoken acts and the disarray as proof of my utter unloveableness.

It does not make sense.

But it's hard to battle belief. Especially long-held ones...


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The Secret of my Mental Illness

Everyone has their own preconceived notions of mental illness. And I can understand that. There are a variety of diagnoses and they tend to manifest in a variety of ways with different people though there are common themes that appear.

My secret is shame.

Before I was diagnosed, with ANYTHING, I had low-self-esteem, I'd been bullied for years, I had been the victim of sexual abuse in childhood outside of my family and I'd been raped (more than once) as a young adult.

The person I saw in the mirror was gawky, strange, with huge teeth, eyes, ears and a nose that didn't seem to end.

My moods and my thoughts were things I was taught not to share.

I remember being taken aside in Grade 9 after writing a story about a man beheading a young boy on Devil's night and licking some of the blood off his black leather gloves.

Even younger than that, I snapped when I was eight and viciously attacked a frenemy because she deliberately broke my new Kissing Barbie.

I thrashed her with a hockey stick until I broke her ankle and then shoved her into the busiest road nearby.

I was not punished. I was not taken to any sort of professional to be assessed. It was all ignored.

But I was ashamed.

Generally I lived my life more under the radar, not standing up for myself. Not showing my feelings. Not even acknowledging that I had them.

I wrote in my diary, I wrote poetry, I buried myself in a rich fantasy life that I could always escape to until my fears crept in to it and infected it.

What was once an escape can as easily be a prison now depending on which thoughts wrestle for control.

BUT - I try to put a decent face on it, for my family, for my friends, for the world.

Because I am ashamed of how I feel and that I am so utterly unable to cope with or CURE it.

Comments about all the crazies in the world and "why don't they lock them up", news articles always focusing on the mental illness aspects of crime - fear-mongering and tarring all of us with the same brush.

I've been warned, time and time again that people will view me differently and judge me more harshly than they already do.

Mental illness is surrounded by stigma and secrets. Just like sexual abuse is (although I think that's changing).

When I was growing up - if you were raped, it was your fault. You had to have done something because boys will be boys.

And I carry those feelings about myself to this day.

Now with mental illness, the common inference is also that it's the person's fault.

Some sign of weakness or biology or life experiences or both.

I cannot for a fact say what it is.

I can only say how hard it is to try to put my best FACE forward when I have to interact with the world.

It is exhausting, embarrassing and saddening.

I cannot freely be all of myself on any given day with 99% of the people I encounter.

I have an inner circle of friends and loved ones who accept me, even if I can sometimes annoy them, scare them, depress them or avoid them.

I am thankful for that.

For them.

But this sense of shame and weakness cling to me like a second skin, an invisible viscous creature - almost an entity in its own right.

Sometimes I can claw my way through and be totally real but in unknown situations, like even at the grocery store, the safety of the false face seems prudent.

I judge myself, probably more harshly than anyone else does so why would I allow myself to be vulnerable to the world?

That happened in my childhood and look where I am now.

I'm usually not even this open with expressing my thoughts. Perhaps it's the new meds I am on - I don't know.

But really, I am writing this because I know there are others who feel as I do, who have similar experiences to mine AND I know that those people have people who care about them who may not know what goes on inthe heads of their loved ones with mental illness.

My experiences do not apply to everyone because we are all unique individuals, but I hope this can be of help to someone.

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Thoughts

My head is overwhelmed with thoughts and worries.

Having bowel issues all day.

No major anger today - though yesterday was horrid in the respect.

Group tmw and I'm looking fwd to it.


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Thurs, March 13/14

Boy-o and Moochie were sick today :(   Rhyme Girl has been well-behaved today.

Hubs took Rhyme Girl to volunteering today and I think that was a positive.

Hubs and I slept for shit last night re: Moochie.

I worked on my portion of ODSP paperwork today. Even though my appt isn't until the end of April.

POSITIVES

• no yelling at Hubs or the kids today
• did some of the stressful paperwork re: ODSP
• reviewed homework for group tmw

pic post of my hand-written journal excerpt 1

OK I see that if you click the image you can make it bigger...

March 12, 2014

Lousy weather today.

Boy-o is sick. Moochie is still making deliberate droning noises instead and not using her words (have I ever mentioned that she has a pragmatic language delay? I still worry she's slightly on the spectrum).

Hubs does NOT understand how I am feeling.

I was happy I was able to see Mom today & I even managed a short trip to an almost deserted Zehrs re: the crap weather.

YET Hubs has been so fucking volatile since the news (they want to move into an old folks home but will not consider coming here) about his parents.

I am volatile too - in general though.

I've tried to ask him to cool it and not get into it with me or to handle the kids while I am trying to adjust to my meds and try to sort out some of my thoughts and feelings.

Instead I feel like he's PURPOSELY doing things to infuriate me because HE wants to fight w/me because because instead of dealing w/ his feelings about Mom and Dad (I call his folks that too).

He doesn't want to deal with their failing health -- that's terrifying for him to handle so instead he misdirects his fears into anger because we all know anger is an easier emotion to release (not usually healthily).

So he picks fights w/me rather than getting in touch with his inner child and all the emotions he has about this.

Completely UNFAIR and UN-FUCKING SUPPORTIVE!

March 11/14

Not much sleep re: Boy-o's sleepover & Moochie refusing to stay in her room and settle down.

Many tantrums from Moochie as reaction for being put back in her room for hitting, kicking & making incessant monotonous droning noises at top volume.

Hubs was supposed to be back from volunteering by 3:30 -4:30 but was late, didn't call and Boy-o missed ABA.

A few calls from T. today - I really have to work on my boundaries because it's so DRAINING!  Psychic vampire or what?

I feel like I need time to think about and fully process my appt with Dr. S but T's already bugging me about how the meds are working.

POSITIVE

• took my meds
• went for a 10 min drive with H
• had a bath

Feeling overwhelmed

So there's a lot going on in my head today...

Been a lot of information overload from a family member lately - some of which has brought up some tough emotions.

Then other stuff that doesn't really have any impact on me (maybe ripple effect).

As well as my appt the other day, my hopes for future ones... My starting the new meds...

Then there's the fact that it's March Break and I'm trying to prep for the girls birthdays...

*sigh*


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March 10/14

Not much sleep re: Boy-o's sleepover & Moochie refusing to stay in her room and settle down.

Many tantrums from Moochie as reaction for being put back in her room for hitting, kicking & making incessant monotonous droning noises at top volume.

Hubs was supposed to be back from volunteering by 3:30 -4:30 but was late, didn't call and Boy-o missed ABA.

A few calls from T. today - I really have to work on my boundaries because it's so DRAINING!  Psychic vampire or what?

I feel like I need time to think about and fully process my appt with Dr. S but T's already bugging me about how the meds are working.

POSITIVE

• took my meds
• went for a 10 min drive with H
• had a bath

March 9/14

Started Lamictal & Clonazepam today.

Didn't notice any changes except I was drowsy all day but that could also be from being out all day yesterday w/T as it's very TIRING for me.  I did get 7.5 hrs sleeep last night & I went to sleep feeling hopeful.  Today I was really afraid of jinxing it so I tried to conceal my hope & excitement to some extent so that the Universe doesn't feel the need to give me a smack down.

POSITIVES

• contacted a few family members & friends w/ a cautiously optimistic update
• got groceries w/Hubs & Moochie
• refrained from engaging after a snippy text from _____
• let Boy-o have a sleepover w/his friend at our place
• organized and finally bagged bday gifts today
• gathered laundry for washing

The appointment

Had my appt out-of-town today. Spent almost 3 hrs with the psychiatrist.
Liked him. Good vibe. Everyone at his office/clinic is nice.

Don't want to say too much - afraid of jinxing things.

Current diagnoses as follows (on card written by DR):


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March 8/14

Overall, today was a good, albeit LONG day. Met with Dr. S for almost 3 hours!  He listened and he asked good questions and he read my 2002 assessment and didn't understand why no one had done ODSP for me before.

He'll do an ODSP assessment for me (before due date of June 6th - I think) And he said lots of lovely things about me and my sense of virtue and sensitivity after I talked about how I try to always have pictures of me smiling for the sake of my kids.

He also said he thinks some people have a healing "super-power" rather like Wolverine - some ppl can use it to heal themselves and some pppl can use it on others and he thinks I must have that for surviving so much and beating the odds re: my patent ductus areteriousis as an infant.

POSITIVES

• being heard
• being understood without judgement
• being asked insightful questions I've never been asked before

NEGATIVES

• T. kept interrupting my appt either to say things about me like how he knows me better than anyone else (and how he says I'm not depressed - umn, how does he know - fuck he depresses me)
• T. also interrupted my appt to talk about some of his stuff before his own appt 

March 7/14

Woke up around 4:30 a.m. w/ a migraine & felt horrid all day :(

Never got dressed at all.  Mostly dozed on the couch, took Advil migraine & Extra Strength Tylenol and then dozed with Vick's vapour rub on my head.

Boy-o was off to his father's for the wkend so it was a quiet day.

Still very keyed up about tmw. Having a hard time focusing today.

POSITIVES

• called in sick to group instead of procrastinating
• looked through some of the disability forms (even though I found them intimidating)
• talked to T on the phone (another 2 hr call this wk), listening him because I know he needs it

March 6/14

I've been feeling worse as the day has gone on because I can't stop thinking about Dr. K and Dr. G aka fucking assholes who, in my opinion, screwed me over - one for 11 YEARS and the other for a few months.

They were so disrespectful & unprofessional and just plain UNFAIR to me!!!

And I'm not sure how I'm going to explain it all on Sat - will it make me sound even nuttier? I'm afraid to talk about it in case I totally flip out.

Last night I flung myself upright in bed in the middle of the night 2x, just sure I was going to puke all over the room.

I felt like I had extreme motion sickness.

I was hot and nauseous and dizzy and I couldn't breathe.

I thought I was going to die.

IN the morning I did still get up and get some things done.

POSITIVES

• got paperwork from OW
• dropped off Rx form at pharmacy in case I get new meds
• finished bday shopping
• had a bath
• washed my hair

March 5/14

Didn't leave the house today and wasn't social.
Ignored emails.
Was exhausted.
Cumulative effects of my busy day plus late night nookie I think.

LENGTHY phone call with T. Drama and mental issues interspersed w/more "natural" convo.

Trying to stave off nervousness and paranoia re: appt on Sat.

POSITIVES

• I had a two-hour nap and did so withOUT feeling guilty & forcing myself to stay awake
• planned errands for tomorrow
• asked former M-I-L for favour re: Boy-o

March 4/14

A busy day (for me). Got some things done, emailed a friend (out of town) to whom I haven't talked to in WAY too long!

And I predicted her pregnancy - just like I did when she was pregnant a over a year ago.

No phone calls re: extended family drama.

Did call Mom and also had a brief visit w/ Grandma.

POSITIVES

• went to the MALL w/o totally losing it (I was with Hubs and Moochie - new nickname for our youngest for now) had to do bday shopping
• did photo errand for Grandma
• attended CCS meeting with Hubs *annual review
• dropped pics off for Sis
• retuned to a store who over-charged me (which I discovered on the receipt)

March 3/14

Lots of family-related drama today from extended family plus the kids weren't listening; Hubs was cranky & Rhyme Girl was giving me some attitude to us during our call tonight.

I took Boy-o (replacing the nickname from "Little Man") to ABA.

Have been quite teary today thinking of my late Dad.

(OK both my adoptive parents are deceased, I have a great relationship with my blood maternal relatives and only really talk to one cousin on my paternal side).

Feeling guilty for not phoning Grandma or Mom re: my shite mood.

POSITIVES

• talked to J to follow up on how he was doing (Fri)
• M visited me with her new/old/new bf, C (Sat)
• K and I talked on the phone & then I ran an errand w/her & talked about my mental health (Sun)
• took Boy-o to ABA  (mon)
• drove through the cemetery to relax during Boy-o's ABA (Mon) 
• listened to T on phone (Fri)

info

• first time off work re: mental health for more than 2-3 days Fen or March 2001 when I was the manager of P.I. - I believe my District manager said I had some sort of throat-related illness
• I went on sick leave for EI 2004-2005 for 15 or 16 weeks, whatever the maximum was which then rolled over into a "regular" claim with diagnoses of: stress, panic disorder, GAD, PTSD, agoraphobia re: crowds (grocery stores and such)
• the last time I worked full-time was 2004
• A former district manager (from 2 previous companies where I had been a store manager for him) asked me to work for him at least PT to help support myself since I had left my husband  and was struggling
• I worked very part-time (starting around 12 hrs per week and the worse I felt, it was 3 hrs maybe every 2 weeks)
• I had a surprise pregnancy and began to miscarry in early 2009 and I honestly I cannot recall if I ever returned to work after that
• I am morbidly obese :( and my health and weight changes have been what I would consider extreme since 2000 (160 lbs - 281 lbs, up and down since 2000)
• I skin-pick and pull out my hair and obsessively nail-bite
• In my childhood I discovered that creating physical pain to myself is somewhat of a mental release for emotional pain that I cannot deal with

I experience something that I call "phantom smells.:

1. fish
2. cigarette smoke
3. burning plastic
4. smoke in general
5. gasoline
6. ink
7. dirt
8. grass
9. skunks
10. blood (which I also taste)

I withdraw from the world, I panic, I can't always slow down my thoughts and there is ALWAYS something I am afraid of.

Freaking out

So, next Sat is my out-of-town psych appt & yesterday I got a distressing call from the person who had committed to driving me.

I still haven't figured out a solution. And now I cannot sleep.

I think I may have written previously in my blog that I was trying not to get my hopes up and tempt the universe into fucking me over.

Well, idiot that I am - what do you all think I did at my therapy group on Friday?

I talked about my hopes for my psych appt.

Then BAM!

Now it's all in jeopardy!

Sat is a very busy day for a lot of my near and dear -- moving, job-related commitments, activity/sports commitments & the need for childcare if Hubs ends up having to take me.

Plus he has a volunteer event that day that he doesn't want to miss.

I feel hopeless and sad.

Makes you just want to go sit in a snowbank and fall asleep and never wake up.

NOTE: this is not a plan of any sort - it is an expression of how pointless everything feels right now.

I wish I was alone and I could crank up some angry music and just bawl my eyes out.

But I can't - I'd wake Hubs and the kids and disturb the neighbours.

My fingers are already too sore from biting and picking throughout the day.

And I don't cut myself anymore.

If I eat, I think I'd throw up... I don't have any alcohol in the house and Hubs was too tired for sex.

What now??

I'm at a loss.


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