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Monday, 13 August 2012

Functionality should be a stepping stone to wellness and not the damn GOAL

I am angry and upset with Dr. Calm. I actually left the appt and sat in the car and cried for 5 mins before I left.

I am still, hours later, feeling frustrated and hurt, angry and even betrayed.

Why you may ask oh erstwhile (more likely non-existent) reader?

Because, like so many other professionals, he is penalizing me for being intelligent and functional.

We had been talking about me applying for disability and when I brought it up at the end of today's appt he said he wasn't convinced because I am "so functional."

You know WHY I am "so functional"????? It's because I haven't held down a FT job since mid-2004 and haven't worked PT since the end of 2009.

My last major attempt to harm myself was during a mental blackout in 2007. (I was stopped from leaping off an apartment balcony during a massive abusive flashback to my childhood) but I don't know that it counts since I was in a blackout state.

But it doesn't mean that I don't THINK about harming myself a lot.  I may not do it, or may not do things that would be considered life-threatening but it doesn't mean I'm healthy.  It means I'm doing what I need to do to take care of my kids.

I don't hurt other people.

I do what i can to hold myself together.

But over my life there have been a number of times where I have snapped in a variety of ways.  Whether it's been violence or attempted suicide or just major breakdowns.

It happens.

No matter what is happening... I have a finite amount of energy and focus.  That means i have to use that for my family and for myself.

That barely allows me enough energy to work on my issues.

I have a spouse with major depressive issues (who I think also has ADD or ADHD and possibly bipolar disorder) who is OK taking care of the kids while I have appointments or if I go out while they are in bed (aka sleeping) but then, as you know, not much gets done around the house.

Of course, until the meds started working for me, I wasn't much better re: housework thanks to all my depression.

So, once again -- exactly how am I to muster the energy and strength and SANITY and PATIENCE required to hold down any sort of job and try to be the Captain and the crew of the Ship (aka my Home and Family)????

I am still so mad I want to put my fist or my foot through the damn wall so the pain I am feeling inside can be diverted to something more tangible and easily seen and explained.

That's always the trouble isn't it?

Even the people who are supposed to be able to help you can't really see or understand what it's all about in a 30 minute - 1 hour appointment, can they?

Especially when you have to do extra well at holding yourself together for the almost 1 hour drive there and back.

Since MOH had to take the kids to an activity before I got back - instead I went to see a friend and bawled my eyes out and yelled and bitched and chugged some water and cried some more) for a good hour or more before I came back home because I decided that coming back to an empty house was certainly not a wise idea with the state of mind I was in.

Luckily there was no $$ for junk food this week so I couldn't even stuff my face when I got home with crappy comfort food.  Because I sure as hell wanted to eat until I puked.

Maybe I'll be calmer tomorrow.  If not, at least it's a peer-group-support-therapy day.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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