Yesterday I noticed something... While on the 401, I was able to "survive" the trip while using less protection rituals.
I may go into details later.
Also, today I was discussing some of my uncomfortable/uncontrollable/inappropriate laughter and the root cause.
I ended up blurting out the fact the it ultimately stems from fear and I learned in it my childhood.
I still feel down and upset but I do not wish to discuss it further right to deny anything.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Edited to add:
Laughter is a way I learned to protect myself and to make attackers doubt themselves as to who is really in control of a situation.
When you laugh, even when someone is hurting you - it takes away some of their power. It makes them know that you are not fully under their control or within their power, that a part of you remains free.
I have used it as a young adult and it stopped one man from trying to rape me, it allowed me to convince another man to allow me to tie him up so I could humiliate him as he had humiliated me and one of the last men who raped me as an adult -- I used laughter to strip him of his power after a brutal night that he put me through in an attempt to mind-fuck him as badly as he had physically and sexually assaulted me.
As I left him in tears, after what he had done to me, I felt that I had succeeded.
So laughter has always helped protect me when I am scared, when I am confused, when I am uncomfortable and when I don't know what else to do.