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Saturday, 4 August 2012

When it's too hot to move from the couch to the computer chair...

Yesterday I noticed something... While on the 401, I was able to "survive" the trip while using less protection rituals.

I may go into details later.

Also, today I was discussing some of my uncomfortable/uncontrollable/inappropriate laughter and the root cause.

I ended up blurting out the fact the it ultimately stems from fear and I learned in it my childhood.

I still feel down and upset but I do not wish to discuss it further right to deny anything.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Edited to add:

Laughter is a way I learned to protect myself and to make attackers doubt themselves as to who is really in control of a situation.

When you laugh, even when someone is hurting you - it takes away some of their power.  It makes them know that you are not fully under their control or within their power, that a part of you remains free.

I have used it as a young adult and it stopped one man from trying to rape me, it allowed me to convince another man to allow me to tie him up so I could humiliate him as he had humiliated me and one of the last men who raped me as an adult -- I used laughter to strip him of his power after a brutal night that he put me through in an attempt to mind-fuck him as badly as he had physically and sexually assaulted me.

As I left him in tears, after what he had done to me, I felt that I had succeeded.

So laughter has always helped protect me when I am scared, when I am confused, when I am uncomfortable and when I don't know what else to do.

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