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Monday, 20 August 2012

Looking through time -- post 1 (LTT #1) - bottom part of entry may be triggering

I decided to dig out some old diaries and report cards.
My very first one, from 1984, had short entries with a lot of use of "LOVE" and "HATE" on an almost daily basis.

There's quite a bit of "I hate _____" and then the next day "____ and I are friends again" involving various people, including one person who was my on-and-off best childhood friend in grade school.   Here are a few selected entries.
From the old red diary: 
March 19, 1984
I made the school floor hockey team.
March 28, 1984
We lost the floor hockey game because our goalie [name removed] backed the puck into OUR net. The score ended 6 to 5. I was warned to watch slashing the opponents! Hey, I can't wear my glasses when I play so what do you expect?
June 5, 1984
Mr. R. SUCKS! ______ and I got the revision spelling list 20 TIMES! He could have given us the usual 10 times instead...
June 12, 1984
Today my feelings were REALLY hurt about 41 TIMES!  
July 6, 1984
...I can't even tell YOU why _______ and I were crying between the garage and Dad's truck.
*No entries again until August 1.
August 1, 1984
[the bully who abused me in all ways for 8 years] is 14. I hate him!

Elementary school report cards - selected comments:
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} has a vivid imagination & uses it to advantage in play activities. She is quite an independent little girl & tends to be bossy with her classmates
  • She is very excitable & active  & needs supervision in order to channel her energy in the right direction
  • She is showing progress in all aspects of development & seems happy in the kindergarten setting
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} is a very verbal child who expresses her ideas in class discussion though she has found it difficult to listen to others without interrupting or constantly talking
  • She is making efforts in learning to share & waiting her turn and has shown some progress in this area
Grade 1
  •  {Flabbergasted Mom} is active & interested in school 
  • She is learning to control her impulses & how to make her ideas & suggested accepted by others <but yet I received a NEEDS IMPROVEMENT in the self-discipline line under work habits on that report>
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} is learning to co-operate more with here peers & to accept their ideas
  • She grasps new material readily
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} has often required extra directions in mathematics due to lack of concentration during lessons. She benefits from frequent review & practice in basic math facts <Confession: I still do not know my times tables>
Grade 2
  •  {Flabbergasted Mom} is an outgoing, friendly girl who sometimes is overly-concerned with the affairs of others
  • She is an excellent reader who seems to enjoy books and reads with good expression. Seldom does she have a problem with word recognition
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} is quite aware of what is going on around her and has not overcome her tendency to interrupt when she wants to be heard
  • The appearance of her work varies from day to day & my hope is that she will strive harder next year to improve the neatness of her work
Grade 3 (had the same teacher I had for Grade 1, who I disliked greatly)
  •  {Flabbergasted Mom} is interested in all areas of school life & she understands new ideas quickly
  • She especially enjoys group work activities &the company of other children
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} is getting more acceptance for her ideas from the other children
  • <though she doesn't mention it in any comments, handwritten by speech on 2 reports is "rambles" and on 1 is "needs self-control" and on 1 report in work habits she wrote "talks too much">
Grade 4
<I was involved in a trial enrichment program which I HATED, Junior Choir, Chess, Skipping/Skipathon & Three Pitch according to notes in a school memory book, but I don't remember Three Pitch0>
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} has a very creative mind & often comes up with very interesting ideas
  • When speaking in front of the class she should try not to become overly-excited or to monopolize the conversation
  • Sometimes she tries to put too many ideas into her stories & the same is true in art. She must plan whether her ideas would make an artistic picture
  • i hope {Flabbergasted Mom} develops a better attitude about finishing her work at home. She seems averse to doing anything extra
Grade 5
<I found a certificate stating that I was on the Girls Three Pitch Team, I don't have *any* recollection of that at all.  MOH asked me how that's possible.  But there are large chunks of my childhood that are a complete blank to me.  Some things come back if someone talks about them, I can pull some memories from  wherever they hide but they usually don't stick with me and I do have some of my own but not many.  Pictures can help resurrect some as well but is that a normal thing, a BPD thing or an abused child thing?>
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} is to be commended on her excellent work in composition. She is quite creative & the class thoroughly enjoys when she delivers them with such effective expression
  • She must make a concerted effort to listen more attentively
  • <All three terms I received a "needs improvement" in the effort column for listening>
Grade 6
<I was on the Floor Hockey Team, I was a Kindergarten Assistant, and in the Chess Club + I worked on painting backdrops for the school play>
  •  With continued hard work & effort, improvements with be forthcoming
  • {Flabbergasted Mom} had little difficulty with any new materials of concepts covered during the first term
  • She participates quite well in French class
  • <dinged yet again with "needs improvement in effort re: listening>

Some other things about my elementary school years.
  1. These were the years I was abused by [the bully]. He also had specific other children be cruel to me & then he would be nice to them.
  2. I had a "boyfriend" every year from Kindergarten to Grade 6 even if it wasn't always the boy I might have liked the most because even back then, I needed that so I could be like all the other girls.  I needed something normal.
  3. I was bullied and teased by a number of kids, boys and girls all the way through school for a variety of reasons such as: my nose, my teeth, my glasses, my name, my height, my lack of physical health, other personal family matters.
  4. I had a "frenemy."  It began in Kindergarten when she stole a book of mine and flushed it down the toilet. Years later (when we were 8 years old) she deliberately broke my new Kissing Barbie and laughed in my face. The next thing I remember is that we were halfway up the street and she had my hair and was screaming and I was wailing on her with a really old hockey stick and [the bully] was on his front lawn, cheering me on.  We got to the end of the street, I hit her again, the stick broke (and so did her ankle) and I shoved her into traffic and went home.  [The bully] came over and slapped me on the back and told me it was one of the best things he had ever seen and then my memory goes blank again except for being certain that [the bully] was nice to me for about a week.  I have no idea how my parents handled it but, I did get a new doll at some point. In Grade 6, we were working on painting backdrops for the school play on picture day.  It was after photos were done, but she had loosened the lid on the red paint and we had to shake the bottles before using them so I ended up covered in red paint and had to go home. There were lots of things like that over the years and we often were inside being punished when we were in the same class (K, Gr 4, Gr 6).
  5. The first time I tried to kill myself I was 9 years old.  I locked myself in the bathroom and my parents used a coat hanger to unlock the door and I don't even know if they knew what I'd done (there was a high shelf in the bathroom and I drank the nastiest looking stuff in there).
  6. My parents and the parents of [the bully] knew that he would beat me up but I didn't tell anyone the other things he did to me because he said he would kill me.  And no one could stop him from beating me up; not even the teachers or the principal at school so I knew what he told me was true, [the bully] was unstoppable because he said the devil made him do it. (I was going to write more about this but I can't do it now.)

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