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Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Sometimes I just can't focus

I think my anxiety is starting to creep back. Not nearly to the point where it was but moreso the more irrational, paranoid, worst-case-scenario sort of things.

They were a constant before I had any meds. Sometimes my friends and I would jokingly refer to me as "worst case scenario girl" as well as "the Queen of TMI" (too much information) but it's funny because it's true...

I'm not sure what this means though and I get a knot in my stomach when I think about bringing it up with Dr. Calm. You see I've heard all sorts of things about people taking YEARS to find the right meds and that scares me.

Hell, I'm still working my way up to talking to him about some of the other things I believe and experience because I have this terror of saying someTHING where suddenly the cartoon men in white coats turn up to drag me away telling me that I've been "formed."

I've been asked if I am ocd. I say no because while I do have some habits that may be more ritualized I guess... I am not a neat freak. I am a disorganized, clutterer, borderline hoarder who is hygienic (cuz I think actual hoarders from what I've seen on the show are NOT hygienic) and I avoid way more things than do things that I feel I am compelled to do, if that makes any sense.

And I just worry that I am all sorts of fucked up. That there are probably layers upon layers of issues that are so inter-connected and interwoven that I am probably like a complicated weapon of mass destruction and the wrong thing could make me self-destruct in a fiery blast that could take out countless others in an unknown radius from my ground zero plus minor wounds even farther out from shrapnel.

That's scary as hell.

Especially when you essentially see yourself as a kind, loving, caring person who helps others.

I often use "HULK SMASH!" when I get angry but it can be surprisingly apt.

Dr Banner and The HULK are a modern-day Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

The epitome of the fear that most people, unless they are a psychopath (or should it be a sociopath??), have about the darker feelings and impulses we all have within us -- whether or not we have diagnoses of mental health issues/concerns.

Hurting ourselves is far more acceptable than hurting someone else.

But it can never be that easy or simple.

And that is why I am still here.

And that is why I want to get myself sorted out, so that I can learn to love and accept ALL of who I am instead of just the parts I can deal with or the parts I like that day.

I think I went on a tangent on here but I am doing this on a BB so I can't be bothered to scroll up so if it's disjointed -- I hope you got something out of this anyway.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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