OK this is a topic that sucks but I'm sure that everyone has been touched by it in some way.
Some of us have attempted it (maybe more than once) or know people who have attempted or know those who have been devastated by someone who has died or we've been one of the devastated and shocked by someone who has done this.
I've heard and read the mantra of watching for signs and behaviours.
But what I haven't seen is how it tends to happen in my own head, and I often wonder if I'm just some abnormal freak.
For me, it's impulse. Almost like that cartoon devil on my shoulder except it's inside me and it's my voice.
Separate from the noise in my head.
It comes from the quiet and the tiredness and the exhaustion of carrying so much with me for all these years.
It's like the monster in the closet, but it's just me.
It comes upon me when I'm alone. That sudden urge to drive into a tree or a post, to step in front of a car or a bus. To step off an embankment or the Niagara escarpment or to climb over a balcony and let myself drop.
In the past, I have given in to the walking in to traffic one. A number of times actually. And I've never been hit.
People have swerved or stopped. And cursed me. But I'm still here.
I've been known to call it re-affirming my belief in my own mortality. But that was when it was a deliberate choice. And I did more of that when I was younger. There was more planning involved.
Sometimes it involved pills or blades.
But now, I never know when it will hit. And I literally can't warn anyone because there are no signs. IT JUST HAPPENS.
If I am able to control it, once I get back home, I might tell MOH or a friend about what happened but I wonder if they can comprehend just how powerful the urge is.
Because is next to impossible for me to truly explain.
If I have anyone with me - it doesn't happen. That's why it's so hard for me to ever be alone.
Does anyone else relate to this?
And again, I don't know why I ask because no one reads this anyway...
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