I have been - well some might say "obsessing over" but I prefer to re-frame it as - "considering this topic quite seriously for a significant portion of time."
I have previously brought friends with me to medical doctor appointments with me because I tend to get nervous and overwhelmed and I've gotten them to pay attention to the details for me.
But this is different.
I've thought of bringing someone along with me to listen to Dr. Cool and help me interpret what his intent is since I sometimes seem to be questioning what his hidden agenda is (because there always has to be a hidden agenda according to the way I view the world, when it comes to this sort of thing which is why I simply cannot bring myself to share EVERYTHING).
The other thought is to bring one of my close friends with me. Not MOH because he is too emotionally involved with me to be clear-headed in this sort of scenario, plus he has a tough time structuring his own thoughts...
Just one of my close friends who can maybe help explain or discuss the things that I find difficult opening up to Dr. Cool about and maybe interpreting ME to him so that he better understands that unless someone gets to know me really well so that I am comfortable letting them in a bit more, people don't really get to see any of my real vulnerability.
I am the person who others come to for help and advice. Because I care and because I actually am pretty damn good at it. I'm just blind when it comes to myself in a lot of ways because I can only see myself in an unemotional way.
My emotions - at least the ones that hurt - are not connected to me. A number of years ago I saw a movie starring Matthew Perry and I really identified with so much of how his character was that I even looked up the condition his character had because it seemed so much like me.
The movie was called "Numb" and his character had depersonalization disorder & clinical depression.
At that time I was feeling very much as if I was watching my life like a movie, which is something I have experienced a lot in my life at various times because I tend to be fairly disconnected from my emotions. Though I do try to be connected to the happy ones, like happiness and joy and love.
Back to the purpose of this post though.
I tend to go off on tangents when trying to present some of my beliefs and feelings. Plus I get afraid of telling Dr. Cool everything because I have a great fear of being "formed" and being put away against my wishes for by a whim.
I've heard those questions... "Do you believe you have a super-power?"
No, not a super-power BUT believing in the power of magic and of prayer and spells is about my spiritual belief system but that might not be how Dr. Cool would see it.
Or believing that people are out to get you. Why wouldn't there be people out to get me?
Let's look at it this way - I was abused as a child for no reason other than the person who did it decided I was someone he wanted to abuse. I was abused by two other people as a child as well.
Then I was date-raped on more than one occasion and I eluded some attempts by other men more than once in my teens and 20s.
I was involved in a couple of abusive relationships in my life before I met MOH.
So looking at all that -- why is it "crazy" or "paranoid" to believe or feel or worry that there could be people I know or have known or even total strangers to me who are out to get me???
It's a damned dangerous world. My experiences tell me so.
What's that saying, burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame on me -- well how many times have I been burned by men (in general) in my life so far?
I don't call it paranoia, I call it PRECAUTIONARY!!!!!!!
I know I'll get riled and defensive if I try to explain that to Dr. Calm - but maybe one of my friends could do it for me?
So who needs the interpreter? The Doctor or the Patient?
Or is it better to look at it like simply bringing along an advocate?